I’m female, 53 and suffered with HA on and off since I was a child.

I’m on medication, had cbt, counselling and various other help and yet it still has a hold on my life. I know it’s not a separate entity, that only I can manage it, but I just need to write on here as it helps to get it down in black and white. I used to get acute bouts of HA, but over the last few years, it’s become much more chronic, bouncing from one thing to the other. Despite people saying to me (each time I have a new health concern) that it was ok before and that it will be this time, I see it more as the opposite - the fact it’s been ok before means that this time it’ll be bad. I think to me, it’s a case of getting away with it so many times before that when we look at it statistically, the odds are getting less in my favour that it’ll be ok.

I was worried about a chronic cough a while back and after a normal chest X-ray, I felt better. Then I feel something else and off I go to get checked. The cycle is non-stop. I’ve recently been promoted to Head of school and am thinking there’s no way I am going to be capable of doing the job; the dark thoughts and what ifs fill my head.

Just after Christmas I noticed that when I look up, the front, right side of my lower neck protrudes more than the left. I panicked and eventually saw my doctor who examined my neck and said she could feel what I meant, but that she just thought it was the anatomy of my neck and nothing worrying. Since then I have had periods where I can stop myself checking but then this week I started again. The creeping urge that something is wrong and if I don’t check it I will miss it etc. All the while I know that I should not be checking, that it will make it worse, that the cycle will just go round and round and the desperation for certainty and reassurance will never be met. I’ve been checking my neck for the last few hours and got my husband to check too. The dread that it’s cancer rushes through me, then I have to check again.

Don’t check. Don’t Google. Such simple answers. But it’s not is it; not to the HA sufferer; if it were, then I imagine sites like this would have a lot less posts like mine. Years ago I could rely on the fact that I was ‘young’ but since turning 50 I find it’s fuelled my fears ten fold - suddenly I’m in the age group that makes many of my fears more likely (to me anyway) and every pain, bump, sensation is evidence. I’ve lost any idea of what is ‘normal’ checking. Sometimes, going to the loo, fills me with anxiety because we are told to check. Just before the monthly boob check, (assuming I’ve managed to go a month) I’m anxious. I never used to check my neck, groin, armpits for lumps, but now I do. What is normal? What if I miss something if I let it go just this once. What if I agree to stop checking like the therapists advise and the one time I do, I miss something. I know I’m hyper-vigilant and that everything I do increases my fears, but then I can’t ignore it, just in case.

Just wanted to get thoughts in type.

Sarah