Health Anxiety is relentless

[pulisa]

Did she ever say that an appointment wasn't necessary and if so, how did you cope with that? Personally i wouldn't have wanted a GP to ring me every few weeks because it would have given my mind something to work on in anticipation of the call and would represent a "safety net" which really was a safety behaviour and unhelpful to me in the long run.

It's quite normal for your guts to play up due to continuous high anxiety..or to go the other way and slow down. i'm sorry that you're having such a rough time..Do you have any diazepam to take in a crisis just to help calm you down a bit?

[flatterycat]

Did she ever say that an appointment wasn't necessary and if so, how did you cope with that? Personally i wouldn't have wanted a GP to ring me every few weeks because it would have given my mind something to work on in anticipation of the call and would represent a "safety net" which really was a safety behaviour and unhelpful to me in the long run.

It's quite normal for your guts to play up due to continuous high anxiety..or to go the other way and slow down. i'm sorry that you're having such a rough time..Do you have any diazepam to take in a crisis just to help calm you down a bit?

She has reassured me over the phone and not wanted to see me, but it’s often something I’ve found while checking so on those occasions I’ve gone in.
I know what you you’re saying and deep down I know it’s been a safety net that I’ve created. I think she’s been there more because I lost my mum last year and I’ve really struggled with that. I still cannot believe she’s gone and it’s still really painful if I allow myself to think about her.
I already take Sertraline and Pregabalin (very low doses) and that makes me feel bad enough that I’m on the two, so I wouldn’t want to take anything else. However, I might consider increasing the Pregabalin for a while.

[NoraB]

Did she ever say that an appointment wasn't necessary and if so, how did you cope with that? Personally i wouldn't have wanted a GP to ring me every few weeks because it would have given my mind something to work on in anticipation of the call and would represent a "safety net" which really was a safety behaviour and unhelpful to me in the long run.

I agree with this. No doubt the doctor thought that she was trying to help FC but safety behaviour only serves to keep HA going..

[NoraB]

I think she’s been there more because I lost my mum last year and I’ve really struggled with that. I still cannot believe she’s gone and it’s still really painful if I allow myself to think about her.

I really struggled when I lost my Mum, FC. I was still very much in the denial stage of grief after a year. It took my several years to reach the acceptance stage but I got there and now I think about her a lot of the time and without it hurting. It helped me to 'talk' about her. At the time, I was a blogger. I wrote about my mum in my own way which was with humour. I wrote about the time when we were kids and we were holidaying in Bournemouth. We drove to the seaside for the day and were almost there when I noticed a flash of pink in the footwell on Mum's side of the car. Mum was still wearing her slippers - pink fluffy mules which were the height of fashion in the 70s. I pointed this out to her and she started having a go at my dad for having rushed her out of the holiday cottage lol. Dad (between the howls of laughter) had to do a detour to the local shop to buy her a pair of flip-flops. He came out swinging a pair of bright yellow ones. Mum wasn't thrilled at all(yellow was not her colour) but it was all they had in her size and at least she had something to wear on her feet. Later that day she got caught in some quick sand. Dad got her get out swiftly enough but she was minus one of the flip-flops, so it was back on with the pink fluffy slippers! I got a lot of feedback on this story and a few years later, a lady messaged me and she told me how she'd laughed at this story and how my mum came across as such a character, and that's because she was. Mum was a real life Hyacinth Bucket (sorry, Bouquet) and it really helped me to focus on the many laughs she gave us rather than her last morning on this earth..

I lost my dad when I was 26, and that was bad enough, but losing my mum was much worse. The pain eases in time but you never get over losing a parent. I don't think so anyway. I just learned to live without them but I became a different version of myself with each loss..

One day, I was in a café looking at a mother and father with their grown up daughter (presumably) and it hit me that I was a daughter in my memories, on paper, and in photographs, but I was no longer a daughter in life. Both my parents were gone and I was overwhelmed with sadness. At that moment, a song started playing and it was one of theirs. I felt like they were saying, 'We're still here. You're still our daughter..'

What's your take on the afterlife, FC? Are you a believer? If so, there's lots of literature which can help & comfort you. If you're not a believer, there's lots of literature that can help you there too. Grief counselling might be useful for you? Or if you like writing, maybe write about your mum? It can be incredibly cathartic..

I'm sorry you're struggling but I get it because I've been there.

One day, you will be able to think about your mum and it not cause you pain.

One day you will want to think about her, and it will comfort you to do so..

I have a beautiful picture of Mum holding me in her arms when I was about 12 months old. I'm gazing off into the distance (as per) but she looks happy (rare for her in photographs) and she always told me that having me made her very happy. I didn't know this photograph even existed until last year when I asked my (much older) cousins if they had any pictures of Mum or Dad. My cousin went into her attic and found a load of old (projector) films and I got them printed out as photographs. Since the only picture I had of me as a baby went missing years ago - you can imagine my joy at finding this one?

[flatterycat]

I really struggled when I lost my Mum, FC. I was still very much in the denial stage of grief after a year. It took my several years to reach the acceptance stage but I got there and now I think about her a lot of the time and without it hurting. It helped me to 'talk' about her. At the time, I was a blogger. I wrote about my mum in my own way which was with humour. I wrote about the time when we were kids and we were holidaying in Bournemouth. We drove to the seaside for the day and were almost there when I noticed a flash of pink in the footwell on Mum's side of the car. Mum was still wearing her slippers - pink fluffy mules which were the height of fashion in the 70s. I pointed this out to her and she started having a go at my dad for having rushed her out of the holiday cottage lol. Dad (between the howls of laughter) had to do a detour to the local shop to buy her a pair of flip-flops. He came out swinging a pair of bright yellow ones. Mum wasn't thrilled at all(yellow was not her colour) but it was all they had in her size and at least she had something to wear on her feet. Later that day she got caught in some quick sand. Dad got her get out swiftly enough but she was minus one of the flip-flops, so it was back on with the pink fluffy slippers! I got a lot of feedback on this story and a few years later, a lady messaged me and she told me how she'd laughed at this story and how my mum came across as such a character, and that's because she was. Mum was a real life Hyacinth Bucket (sorry, Bouquet) and it really helped me to focus on the many laughs she gave us rather than her last morning on this earth..

I lost my dad when I was 26, and that was bad enough, but losing my mum was much worse. The pain eases in time but you never get over losing a parent. I don't think so anyway. I just learned to live without them but I became a different version of myself with each loss..

One day, I was in a café looking at a mother and father with their grown up daughter (presumably) and it hit me that I was a daughter in my memories, on paper, and in photographs, but I was no longer a daughter in life. Both my parents were gone and I was overwhelmed with sadness. At that moment, a song started playing and it was one of theirs. I felt like they were saying, 'We're still here. You're still our daughter..'

What's your take on the afterlife, FC? Are you a believer? If so, there's lots of literature which can help & comfort you. If you're not a believer, there's lots of literature that can help you there too. Grief counselling might be useful for you? Or if you like writing, maybe write about your mum? It can be incredibly cathartic..

I'm sorry you're struggling but I get it because I've been there.

One day, you will be able to think about your mum and it not cause you pain.

One day you will want to think about her, and it will comfort you to do so..

I have a beautiful picture of Mum holding me in her arms when I was about 12 months old. I'm gazing off into the distance (as per) but she looks happy (rare for her in photographs) and she always told me that having me made her very happy. I didn't know this photograph even existed until last year when I asked my (much older) cousins if they had any pictures of Mum or Dad. My cousin went into her attic and found a load of old (projector) films and I got them printed out as photographs. Since the only picture I had of me as a baby went missing years ago - you can imagine my joy at finding this one?

Thank you for sharing those wonderful memories of you mum Nora. I’m sat here crying, even though your story was so funny. I haven’t had any grief counselling. Not long after we lost mum we moved house into a bit of a project and every spare moment has been spent doing the renovations. We are doing it bit by bit because we can’t afford to get people in to do everything and I’ve found that’s been a big distraction, especially while working full time too. As for the afterlife question, that’s another one of my biggest fears (if not the biggest) and I know deep down (and from your own posts) that it’s at the root of my HA.

Thank you for all the help you are giving me x

[pulisa]

Special photographs are absolutely priceless, aren't they?....They really can speak to you.

It'll be 32 years at the end of May since I lost my Mum suddenly. My son can barely remember her and my daughter never got to know her as she wasn't born until the following year. Your grief and devastation will still be profound, FC along with a sense of incredibility that she is no longer "there" and the void could well be the cause of your increased anxiety, insecurity and desperate need to keep a very close eye on your own health?

Has your GP ever suggested Cruse counselling and would it be an acceptable option for you to consider? As for meds, if you think you need more pregabalin then ask your GP about this possibility? My son is on a whole load of psych meds to keep as stable as possible and my daughter is on pregabalin which has helped her more than any other AD. Don't feel ashamed of being on psych meds

[NoraB]

Thank you for sharing those wonderful memories of you mum Nora. I’m sat here crying, even though your story was so funny. I haven’t had any grief counselling. Not long after we lost mum we moved house into a bit of a project and every spare moment has been spent doing the renovations. We are doing it bit by bit because we can’t afford to get people in to do everything and I’ve found that’s been a big distraction, especially while working full time too. As for the afterlife question, that’s another one of my biggest fears (if not the biggest) and I know deep down (and from your own posts) that it’s at the root of my HA.

RE grief counselling? Maybe it would be an idea to ask your doctor to sort this out for you?

Weird one with me and the afterlife. I lost my fear of death (itself) when I was 12. This was because of a profound experience I had. HA went into hibernation for 5 years until I had my first child and then it was back, and how! Even more so when I had my third child who is autistic, and I had him late. The fear of dying and leaving him consumed me. Death itself? Not afraid at all. There are several aspects to health anxiety that we need to accept in order to effectively control the condition. This is to accept our own mortality, the acceptance of potential illness (but that this doesn't mean death) and the acceptance that our children will survive when we die. They will be sad, yes, but if we've done our jobs right as parents then they will not only survive, but thrive. So what matters is what we do now while we are alive because that's all we ever really have...

Distractions can be helpful FC but when it comes to grieving the loss of someone we love we really do have to face our feelings in order to heal...

[flatterycat]

Special photographs are absolutely priceless, aren't they?....They really can speak to you.

It'll be 32 years at the end of May since I lost my Mum suddenly. My son can barely remember her and my daughter never got to know her as she wasn't born until the following year. Your grief and devastation will still be profound, FC along with a sense of incredibility that she is no longer "there" and the void could well be the cause of your increased anxiety, insecurity and desperate need to keep a very close eye on your own health?

Has your GP ever suggested Cruse counselling and would it be an acceptable option for you to consider? As for meds, if you think you need more pregabalin then ask your GP about this possibility? My son is on a whole load of psych meds to keep as stable as possible and my daughter is on pregabalin which has helped her more than any other AD. Don't feel ashamed of being on psych meds

Thanks Pulisa - sorry about your mum too.
Your last bit about your daughter taking Pregabalin has really helped. I’ve been on an Ssri for pretty much 20 years now, but when the doctor gave me Pregabalin 2 years ago, it was the one that really made a difference to my general anxiety levels. However there’s so much negative press around it (as there is around any drug if you look hard enough) that I reduced from 150mg to 75mg, so I know that I’m not taking the initial dose I was subscribed. My thinking was that I am still getting HA so the drugs weren’t really helping. Time to review.

Anxiety is really high again this morning and the blood test results are just on a loop in my head. I so want the doctor to tell me they are all normal so I can move on. But there’s a little voice that questions if I will.

[flatterycat]

Distractions can be helpful FC but when it comes to grieving the loss of someone we love we really do have to face our feelings in order to heal...[/QUOTE]

I do feel a little bit like I’ve used the move and work as a distraction to quite a high level.

[pulisa]

I think you have to have a distraction in order not to be overwhelmed and it's not as if you have blocked out your grief. Grief hurts and continues to hurt but inevitably we all have to face the world again even though we don't want to and why should everyone else just carry on when our loss is so immense and intense?

I'm sure your mum would have been very proud of your promotion to Head. Working on your new house to make things just as you want them must be very satisfying too. These are positive and practical ways of coping through grief but they don't take away the emotional pain.

You're on a very low dose of pregabalin. The bad press comes from much much higher doses which have not been prescribed by doctors. It's a controlled drug now so is prescribed and monitored very carefully. It has certainly been a good choice for my daughter.