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Thread: HA for my children and spouse

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    430

    HA for my children and spouse

    You know, when it is me I am worried about- I am ok- I mean it sucks but it is WAY better to worry about myself than my babies or my husband. If I worry about myself, I can do that in manageable silence. I can go into the bathroom and cry, freak out etc. as a release and can even look at whatever has me worried and often times realize how silly I am being. But when it is my kids- there is no release! I can NOT check what I am worried about on them, can't talk about it bc I dare not let them be like me- so I legit just suffer internally and alone bc THEY are who I have to protect from this monster that lives in my head.

    My 11 year old currently has a weird spot on her scalp that has been there for about a month. She came to me a month ago and thought she had a tick on her head and HELLO ANXIETY! I told her she was fine, go play, and off to google I went to set the spiral into motion (and just like years before, I was fine for months and then BAM it is back just like that!!).

    Well, I find that childhood melanoma is different than grown up melanoma (it is skin colored like the spot she has instead of dark in color) AND if a kid will get it- they gonna get it on the scalp! Now we have increase the anxiety up by about 400%. I am now obsessed to find a pic of a spot like hers to know what the heck this is on her head! We have an appt w a derm tomorrow at 11:30 and in my mind, I have created and can actually see me in the office and despite there only being less than 300 total cases a year in the US of childhood melanoma, in my mind, tomorrow, my kid will be one of those cases! I can see the entire appt. just like watching a video on the TV. The feelings are so real- I am so terrified to go. I am torn between being scared of them missing it bc they do not see enough of it and them finding it and telling me they have to remove it ASAP.

    I am not looking for you all to tell me what she has or doesn't have- the Dr. can do that tomorrow. I am simply looking for ways and suggestions to stop these terrible thoughts bc they are so real that I am fighting myself and feeling like a crapola mom for even thinking them! I have tried to distract myself but I always come back to the terrible images in my head. They are so real that I have mentally distanced myself from my daughter for the moment because I am so scared she will know the things I am thinking.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    3,916

    Re: HA for my children and spouse

    Look, Iíll be honest. If I knew, I would help you. But I have just restarted cbt because itís one of my main anxieties. If I get any good tips Iíll pass them on!

    I hope you get on ok at the dermatologist tomorrow. Iím sure itíll all be ok.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    3,920

    Re: HA for my children and spouse

    Have you ever had any kind of therapy for the HA?

    I saw your post from 2017 saying that your HA started with the loss of your baby? I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage too (albeit an early one)

    You need therapy (CBT) to deal with HA, for sure, but did you have any kind of counselling re your miscarriage?

    If it helps you, I have had a small benign cyst on my scalp for decades. It's not doing any harm. It's just there. I'm sure it will be ok with your daughter..
    __________________
    A thought is harmless unless we believe it.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    430

    Re: HA for my children and spouse

    Awe thank you- I actually had 4 losses since then and yes, I have seen several therapists- I did CBT, heck I even did hypnosis and worked with a guy in the UK who was the "phobia guru". It seems that all helps on the short term, but not long term. It has now been 13 years since this monster started and I can't seem to shake it forever. The spot on her head is a mole- which I knew deep down but had to have the MD tell me. What a waste of 150 bucks- maybe? Maybe not bc I feel better but I know it is just a matter of time before it comes back. I just do not know how to move forward when the therapy doesn't work.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    3,920

    Re: HA for my children and spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by Stressed32 View Post
    Awe thank you- I actually had 4 losses since then and yes, I have seen several therapists- I did CBT, heck I even did hypnosis and worked with a guy in the UK who was the "phobia guru". It seems that all helps on the short term, but not long term. It has now been 13 years since this monster started and I can't seem to shake it forever.
    One miscarriage is bad enough. I can't even imagine having four. I'm so sorry this happened to you..

    To control/cure HA, we have to learn how to challenge and rationalise our thoughts and to practice acceptance of everything we fear, and in terms of HA, this is illness & death. Unless we can do this, any therapy or medication intervention will be of short-term effect. In my case, it's control rather than cure because I have OCD and lifelong anxiety. So far I've been in control for about four years and that includes several significant health issues to deal with. HA started when I was a little girl but my last (and worst) phase was brought on by having my son (autistic) and worrying myself sick about me not being here to bring him up. In this, I've never been so scared in all my life but I learned how to handle my irrational thoughts and to do that I had to accept that I'm not always going to be here for him, but that he will be ok because other people will step up to support him. That, and while I am here I get to do the best job I can as being his mum. I can't do that if my mind is elsewhere on Planet Scared Shitless, right?

    The spot on her head is a mole- which I knew deep down but had to have the MD tell me. What a waste of 150 bucks- maybe? Maybe not bc I feel better but I know it is just a matter of time before it comes back. I just do not know how to move forward when the therapy doesn't work.
    Learn how to challenge those irrational thoughts. Accept that life means having to go through some incredibly shitty things but that we do get to choose our response, even if the initial one is one of fear. This is our script; we get to do the edits. Fear wrote the script for me for over forty years before I finally turned to face it, and the moment I did this I wasn't scared anymore. It was a case of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz finding out that the 'big old scary wizard' was in reality a little old man with no real powers at all..

    I know it's easy for words to be said. I know how it feels to be down that hole looking up and to see the kind of words that I'm writing. But I also know that it's all true.

    With what you went through with your miscarriages your fear is more than understandable. I say, if you can come through something as epically shit as that, you can definitely take HA on and win..
    __________________
    A thought is harmless unless we believe it.

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