Dealing with HIV OCD and really scared right now

[maz063]

Hi all. Normally my contamination OCD doesn't focus on HIV but I am in a spiral today. Last night I was getting on the train and a man walked past me and I felt something poke and slide across my bare arm. I turn around and he was carrying a large frame(I think) and what looked like a pen without a cap in his hand. I was like oh ok his pen is what poked me. But then I started freaking out wondering what if it wasn't a pen and it was a syringe and I accidentally got poked by a used needle.

So now I am freaking out thinking I could have been exposed to HIV. I keep trying to tell myself that if it was a syringe I would notice right away. Backstory: Years ago there was a lady holding her syringe in her hand while moving through the crowd in the train. I noticed the needle right away and tried to move as far away as possible. So because of that event years ago, I was freaking out thinking that the man may have had a needle in his hands. But since he was carrying some kind of frame or large flat object, a pen makes more sense because maybe he was using it to mark the box or whatever he was holding.

The poke also didn't feel quite like a needle. It felt like being poked with a pen tip. I didn't find any ink on my arm so that's what made me freak out and question if it really was a pen. I don't see any cuts or blood or punctures. So I don't think anything broke the skin. And I know the stats for getting HIV from a needlestick injury are less than 1%

I am having a hard time emotionally and am stressed about a lot of things so I think this just caught me at a weak point. I am taking meds and in therapy and my OCD is pretty managed for the most part. I called my friend with OCD who specifically has HIV fears and even they told me that I have nothing to worry about and that I'm ok. The anxiety is creeping back up on me again and I feel like crying and just curling up in bed but I need to focus on work. I just want to accept the fact that it was a pen and if it was a needle I would have broke skin since we basically shoved past each other. Idk I need some help getting out of this hole.

[Jenna214]

I'm sure it was a pen, otherwise you would have had a small red spot on your arm from the needle. Try not to worry, because when we become anxious it will make us physically ill.

[maz063]

Yeah and a pen was the first thing I observed when I turned around and looked. Had it been a syringe, I would have noticed the syringe and not mistaken it for a pen

[maz063]

I've managed to calm down some more at work but I get the nagging feeling that I need to keep worrying as if that's going to magically give me an answer.

[lovemydogs]

I spent a lot of my life worrying about HIV from creating scenarios like this. My therapist was a huge help in getting me over this, I too have OCD. HIV is not an easy virus to catch and I'm sure you have researched how it is transmitted. I wouldn't spend another moment worrying about this, I know it's hard when you're in the middle of the panic. Enjoy your day and know that you aren't alone!