Hit Rock Bottom

[rcs]

Hi I haven,'t posted on here for a while except for a post on sleeping pills.
I was diagnosed with GAD 10 years ago in my 30s and have gone for long spells feeling well and some were I am not but I have worked quite regularly but have to take extended leave for treatment several years ago.
I am really struggling tonight with severe anxiety and it is depressing me severely, it has been a tough couple of weeks with anxiety and the depression only really started this week but I have been off work for a month knowing something is wrong.I I have quite a stressful and dangerous job as i work for an oil company offshore.
I have been through this before but this is the worst anxiety I have had for several years. It has been building up for several days now and after a long drive back home today after staying with my mother and the heat and heavy traffic were horrible back to my local chemist to collect medication (propananol). I thought It would be tough and It was and has struck me tonight and has really shaken me up. I took two propananol which made me feel sick and that made me more anxious instead of less and only breathing exercises have relieved the symptoms .
As for the reasons and triggers that CBT and Doctors want you identify I usually blame work , family and genetics for my condition and it's been a tough couple of years with world events but I am hardly unique in worrying about them.
A nurse once told me it's alright not always to have an explanation for my depression as it can tear you up trying to search for reasons sometimes leaving the symptoms i cannot change and identifying the symptoms I can remedy is a better strategy.
I have been staying with my mother for support but she is quite old and has issues herself with alcohol and anxiety so I came back to my flat to go to the Doctor on Monday and I will have to maybe speak to some kind of crisis team , I have self harmed before.
After speaking to the Doctor on the phone last week I suspect and so do they that the Citalopram SSRI I take has stopped working after several years on the highest dose 40 mg which was never ideal .I was advised to continue them even though I suspected they were not working like before .
GPs and the NHS are pretty restricted with COVID until recently which I understand totally but this is the first time I have admitted I am ill for several years and need help as I can usually recover myself with some hard work and common sense.
I have had courses of CBT with both NHS and private but found them only effective temporarily and I didn't see it working for me long term, I do still try to utilise some of the techniques but I am still not convinced.
I am hoping writing this out will bring me some respite and the strength to wait until Monday , my mother is with me but asleep and I don't want to stress her out too much as she is getting frustrated with me which is understandable and I am not the best of company.
I feel it's counter productive to keep popping pills that have been prescribed but that's all you seem to get from doctors at first and I was nieve in the beginning and thought anti depressants would cure my anxiety and that is my next challenge is to either change SSRI or stop them altogether.
I will try and slow down over weekend and take one step at a time. I am convinced it's just been a stressful day and I will feel more hopeful tomorrow.
I still have a lot of dreams and aspirations and I will not let this condition stop me.... Sorry for the long out pouring but I am pissed off ☹️

[Nyx.78]

Hi RCS,
I'm so sorry to hear how bad things have gotten. I'm not in any position to help but I just wanted to let you know that someone is listening when you say how much you are struggling right now, and I understand how you're feeling with the pressure of anxiety building up to breaking point. Sometimes venting can help more than we realise so if you want to vent any more I will be here to listen.

Stay safe and know you're not alone.

Jynx

Sent from my J8210 using Tapatalk

[rcs]

Yes thanks Jynx i appreciate your reply, it's a distraction to write out my problems and vent my frustration about my anxiety issues and to write it down to maybe put in perspective.

Its a wretched condition at times which can floor you even when you understand it quite well and know the triggers especially late at night , it is just having the strength and patience to deal with it and to let it pass.

I have changed my life style considerably over the last month and I am hopeful for some treatment next week or some advice on my medication.

I find dealing with some aspects of the NHS stressful especially when I'm feeling like this.
But I shall endeavour to persevere 😬

[Darksky]

It is indeed a wretched condition that can strike just when you feel better. And yes genetics have a lot to answer for imo.

I hope venting here has helped somewhat. When you feel you have no one to talk to, there are always people on here who understand you like no others can.