I'm a mess

[Claralou845]

I have had HA on and off for years (probably way back to when I was a child) , usually pops up at stressful times but Ive managed without seeing a Dr over the years. Noticed it got a lot worse after having children.
2021 started with me waking up in the night with panic attacks and have had them ever since. Looking back I can see I was very stressed in the few months before they started happening and the month before I was worrying excessively about some things and was very emotional. I also wasn't sleeping well for months before this.
I spoke to the Dr and was signed off work and was referred to MH nurse. Seemed to be better but then went downhill again. Signed off work again and referred for CBT. Didn't find the CBT much help to be honest, but the speaking to someone did help and I was in a better place. Panic attacks still seemed to happen around my period and after a day where something stressful happened but I was able to cope. I suppose the HA has never went away though, I have always had in the back of my mind something else must be causing this.
Now I feel like im back to how I felt in the beginning. I have this worry now that something has been wrong with me this whole time and it has been missed. I did not get any blood tests, or an ecg for the palpitations (they were constant at one point) going by my symptoms my Dr thought it sounded like anxiety. I worry about cancer mainly and that this is causing my symptoms and now it is worse because it has spread through my body and I won't be around to see my children grow up. My husband thinks I'm bonkers and tells me it's just anxiety. Now I am absolutely terrified to go to drs because I am certain i will be told there is something serious wrong with me. I'm a mess. Last month I thought I was doing well as I hadn't woken up with panic attacks for weeks and then I noticed my son has a large lymph node up on his neck this has probably set me off again.
I started to get chest pains one night and then woke in a panic. Now I'm back to having back and shoulder aches my ribs hurt, I have itchy rashes flaring up, it feels strange and when I'm breathing. I'm aware of every single pain or mark on my body. I'm back and forward to the toilet. Today I was playing with my son and suddenly felt a bit woozy then my heart started racing for a minute then I just felt really strange for 5 minutes afterwards. Probably a panic attack. At nights I wake up feeling strange and panicky and then my hands go all tingly and my heart starts racing. Usually calms down when I get up and splash some water in my face but I struggle to sleep afterwards. I suppose I just find it hard to believe that anxiety could do this and cause so many symptoms that constantly change so much. Why is my racing heart mainly at night...i very rarely have daytime panic attacks.
Not quite sure what the point of this post is, just needed to vent and wondered if there is anyone else like me. My husband and friends are very good but I tend to keep this to myself as they don't really understand... I feel alone. I wish I could go back to the person I used to be before all of this instead of this constant worrying about what illness I could possibly have. I miss sleep too, I loved my bed and now I dread it

[Anglo]

Not quite sure what the point of this post is

the speaking to someone did help

It's great to get our worries and concerns out into the world, whether that's to a trained therapist or to strangers on the internet who might in a similar situation to you.

As it happens, a lot of what you said either applies to me right now or has applied to me in the past. I've suffered with health anxiety a lot too - you can check my recent posts to see what I've been feeling and the kind of thing I worry about. Everything you've described sounds like something anxiety can trigger.

If you're worried something serious is wrong, then you'll need a doctor to diagnose you so you can fix it right? If you're too scared to go to the doctor in case they give you bad news, do you really believe it could be something serious? It sounds like deep down you believe it's your anxiety causing all of these odd symptoms. I'm quite sure my anxiety is causing most (if not all) of my symptoms, though I do worry that I could have a serious problem.

This is something I tell myself when I feel bad about whether I should go to the doctor or not. A doctor will tell you one of two things: either there is something which needs investigating, which is good because then it'll get investigated. Or there isn't something that needs investigating, which is good as you can try to use that to relax yourself.

[NoraB]

I have had HA on and off for years (probably way back to when I was a child) , usually pops up at stressful times but Ive managed without seeing a Dr over the years. Noticed it got a lot worse after having children.

Same for me.

2021 started with me waking up in the night with panic attacks and have had them ever since.

I don't know if you're aware, but these are called nocturnal panic attacks. I've had them for about 11 years, but I've worked on myself and got them down from nightly to occasionally.

I suppose the HA has never went away though, I have always had in the back of my mind something else must be causing this.

So says everyone with HA...

I have this worry now that something has been wrong with me this whole time and it has been missed.

Again, classic HA dialogue.

I won't be around to see my children grow up.

My decades of experience with HA, and the fact that this disorder creeps in (or steps up several gears) for so many women when they become mothers, tells me that this is your fear. This is what's driving the whole show. So, you have to work on challenging your thoughts, so that you don't catastrophise them all the time, and also on the acceptance that you only have control over the present moment, and not the future. None of my fears have ever come to be and my children are now, 34, 30, and 13. (I'm still here, obvs) But the fear of not being here for my youngest (he's autistic) took me to breakdown with HA. But I've done the work and I learned how to challenge my thoughts, re-frame situations, and to accept death and illness as part of life. And also, that death is a given. We are all programmed for survival and there will always be someone who will step up (and step in) if something happens to us. I know my boy will be ok if something happened to me today. And spending my time traumatising myself with irrational thoughts was to waste the precious time I did have with him. I can't get that time back, but I have learned from it - so it's not totally lost time.

Now I am absolutely terrified to go to drs because I am certain i will be told there is something serious wrong with me.

About that...

I was 100% certain I had bowel cancer, so certain that I accepted death was coming at that point (and was ok with it). I'd lost two stone in weight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - had basically existed in a chair for several months. I had the colonoscopy and was given the news that I had one of the healthiest-looking colons in Manchester!

I started to get chest pains one night and then woke in a panic. Now I'm back to having back and shoulder aches my ribs hurt, I have itchy rashes flaring up, it feels strange and when I'm breathing.

The chest pains are part of the stress response (fight or flight) and also because you won't be breathing properly (most likely breathing shallowly). The majority of chest pain that people are admitted to Accident and Emergency with is non-cardiac, but it feels like we're having a heart attack, right? The achy shoulders, ribs - everything - it's all connected. You have lots of muscles in the chest area, and these get very tense when we're experiencing fight or flight. Normally during fight or flight, there is actual danger which distracts our brains from what our body is doing. I mean, really, we should be running away or fighting, right? With anxiety, there is no actual danger, so we are highly aware of these responses. What you're experiencing is most likely tension from the fight or flight response and because this has now become a constant triggering, these symptoms and sensations are also constant, you get me?

Today I was playing with my son and suddenly felt a bit woozy then my heart started racing for a minute then I just felt really strange for 5 minutes afterwards. Probably a panic attack.

Sounds very much like a panic attack...

At nights I wake up feeling strange and panicky and then my hands go all tingly and my heart starts racing. Usually calms down when I get up and splash some water in my face but I struggle to sleep afterwards. I suppose I just find it hard to believe that anxiety could do this and cause so many symptoms that constantly change so much. Why is my racing heart mainly at night...i very rarely have daytime panic attacks.

This really was me...

Don't try to get back to sleep after a panic attack. You have to burn those stress hormones off (that would normally be burned off by actively responding to danger). Get up, move about. Go and do some light cleaning. I used to get up and clean out a drawer. Or I would pace around the living room until I felt calmer. You need to give your brain the message that this isn't scaring you. If you continue to lie there, you will fixate on the sensations and catastrophise, and this just adds more fuel to the issue.

To clarify; there's nothing wrong with your heart. It's a panic attack, but panic attacks feel worse than daytime attacks because there are fewer distractions.

First thing I do when they happen is to breathe deeply. I do box breathing and this slows my heart rate down. Then I get up and move about. Sometimes, I don't have to get up anymore because I am able to shut them down before they kick in, and then I go back to sleep, but this will take a lot of work, so for now - get up!

Don't fear going to sleep because of these 'attacks'. This is a good way to ensure you have one. Instead, tell yourself that it doesn't matter of you do have one because you will cope with it. I've seen many a beautiful sunrise because of my panic attacks, something that I would have missed otherwise...

Not quite sure what the point of this post is, just needed to vent and wondered if there is anyone else like me. My husband and friends are very good but I tend to keep this to myself as they don't really understand... I feel alone. I wish I could go back to the person I used to be before all of this instead of this constant worrying about what illness I could possibly have. I miss sleep too, I loved my bed and now I dread it

You're not alone. It feels like you are when you're lying there at 2am feeling like you're having a heart attack, and everything is so QUIET, but there are thousands of people experiencing the exact symptoms as you are, and at the same time.

I have gone from averaging 3 hours a night's sleep to 8 hours. I've done the work I've needed to do. You can absolutely learn to control this. First, you need to understand that this is your body trying to PROTECT you; that's the role of fight or flight. It's just that it's hard to comprehend this when you're lying-in bed, not having moved for hours, and your heart is suddenly banging like you're running for a bus, right?

My advice is that chest pain should be checked out (i was checked out) but once you know your ticker is working as it should be, then you can work on what's causing the issue, anxiety.

[Claralou845]

Anglo - Thank you for taking the time to reply 😊
I should have posted this a while ago it feels good to speak to people that think like me and that understand 😊
You are right of course, on my good days I can think to myself yes this is anxiety. But on my bad days I am thinking there must be a reason I feel like this, anxiety can't possibly cause all of this. There is a pattern, something sets me off and then it's like the anxiety builds over a period of time (without me realising) which causes more symptoms and when it starts causing symptoms like dizziness and chest tightness I think back to all of the horror stories and illnesses I have googled over the years (how I wish I could take that back) and think oh it must be that. I must be really ill! I know... classic HA! I've spoken to my Dr about it previously but it's hard to think rationally when in that mindset! Today has been a better day though 😊

[Claralou845]

NoraB - thank you, you're post actually made me cry because everything you said is correct you have hit the nail on the head there. I'm not afraid of death, I'm just afraid of dying while my children are so young. I've never actually said that out loud to anyone but it's true. I've had a few things happen over the last couple of years that I think may have built up to this. Had to get genetic testing due to a relative having a rare cancer that is caused by some gene and at the time. Then someone I worked with for a long time died of cancer, I know it's not often something like that happens but it was just horrible when they had young children and I couldnt imagine that happening, it was truly awful. Then my best friend died which was a totally different situation but again left young children behind. Just very sad. I've obviously been very good at trying to forget about it and then the stress of covid must have been the final straw! See I'm quite rational today about it, I've been ok but then something can happen to set me off again all it takes is for something like a bruise I can't remember getting 🙈
Can I ask what you did to change your way of thinking, did you speak to someone and work through it that way or did you just figure it out yourself?
I definitely do have tight chest muscles.. I can feel my ribs click sometimes when I stretch and I am aware that I'm tensing my whole stomach and back when I'm standing.
I feel better about the panic attacks now that you have said you have had the same. I made the mistake in the beginning by googling and it's came up with all kinds of serious illnesses it could be so made me think it wasn't panic and noone I know has ever had nocturnal panic attacks. Its like I'm the opposite 🤣
I did go and see my gp at the beginning of the year as I had nearly constant skipped beats and racing heart for days and he sat me down explained I was very anxious checked my oxygen levels etc all was OK and my heart rate did come down and the skipped beats stopped after a couple of days of diazepam to calm down as I was in such a state. He does have an interest in MH so he took a long time explaining everything. I just don't like going back constantly saying the same thing,and I suppose I am worried they will tell me I have to get a blood test (bad experience with that once too and they caused me panic sending me to hospital for no reason - probably now why I am absolutely terrified of any kind of tests!). And I know its me that needs to do the work to get better, I just don't know how I do it!
That turned out to be a really long reply, sorry 🙈

[Enoughalready!]

Oh my goodness, you sound so much like me- even the health anxiety as a child! Back when my kids were very little. I started noticing every odd sensation in my body to the point where I was convinced I had cancer. I used to get the racing heart at night- the first time it woke me out of my sleep, I was so terrified that I had my husband pack up our baby and two year old and take me to the ER. That’s when I learned about anxiety and started meds for the first time. It was so, so difficult. I felt like I was losing my mind but I felt so fearful about having a terminal illness that would take me away from my babies. And I honestly wasn’t comfortable talking to anyone about it. My husband tried his best for me but he didn’t really understand.
And I felt the same way about missing sleep. Bedtime used to be my favorite part of the day and it felt really sad that it became something I feared and dreaded and no longer could look forward to.
I want to tell you that my introduction to health anxiety was now almost 20 years ago and over the years it’s gotten so, so much better. The more I learned about anxiety, the less fearful I became. Being on medication helped A LOT. I still have my freak out moments but they feel much less scary.
I guess I don’t have any advice for you (sorry!) I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been where you are and I’ve gotten through it. I know you will too.

[Ladyjulz]

I'm in the same boat with you! I have HA about myself and my children. I'm starting to dislike my bedroom/bed as well. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of this and yet I can't stop!

[ErinKC]

First - NoraB, you’re such a gem on this forum!

My anxiety started when my daughter was born. I had no anxiety except the odd moment every few years until I became a mother and then it was off to the races! I catastrophized left and right about dying and (1) missing out on seeing her grow up, (2) the trauma she’d go through without a mother, (3) how she’d be raised in my absence (that’s the control freak in me!). It was OVERWHELMING. It still makes my eyes well up with tears imagining it and I’ve still not made a will because it’s too horrible to imagine who would raise her in my and my husband’s absence.

But, I got my anxiety under control with therapy, keeping myself busy (I went to law school for my mental health because I’m crazy), having a lorazepam prescription for emergencies and as a comfort that I can control panic attacks, and developing a trusting relationship with my doctor who understand my anxiety and can help me through worries without overly feeding my anxiety. I know going to the doctor can be frightening, but I’ve found that getting on a normal schedule with visits ultimately really eases my fears - annual check up, annual skin check at the dermatologist, annual gynecologist visit, regular dentist visits, etc. If I keep up with these it eases my mind knowing that I’m maintaining my health the best way I can. If I am really worried about something that lasts more than a week or so I call my doctor, get her opinion, trust it, and move on.

I’ve had a bit of a spike in anxiety this past month after getting Covid. But I’ve managed it fairly well. I had a weird new symptom on Sunday and my doctor recommended seeing an ENT. I went today and all was well. I’ve noticed a change in my breasts so she recommended doing my mammogram early. I’m nervous about it, but I’ve found calm knowing it’s the right thing to do and likely nothing is wrong.

It can be tricky to balance health anxiety with reasonable health care. I found a way to balance these by letting go of the guilt and shame of calling my doctor when I’m worried about something but at once being more thoughtful about what requires a call to the doctor and what doesn’t.

[mom1982]

Going through the same things now.

Off and on HA, havent had an issue for years but coming back recently. I think my iron is low is taking supplements but too scared to get bloodwork in case they find something else.

Frequent headaches have come back and lightheadness and easily breatheless. Sounds similar to you. I know it HA when things are fine but when they're not fine, i cannot rationalise and i think it's something bad :(

[Claralou845]

Thank you so much for all of your replies everyone, it really does help to know I am not alone.
I've not replied lately as I've been quite ill with a nasty virus (explains the funny feeling i was getting when I was breathing in my first post as it must have been the start of it), then my children got it so it has been a tough few weeks.
I have really been struggling these past few days, my anxiety is really bad. Funnily enough when I was ill my anxiety was actually not too bad, then when my children got ill and had very high temps I was a nervous wreck, unable to sleep constantly worrying. Its like the anxiety has built up even more over this past wk or two now and I'm now feeling anxious most of the time and not sleeping well. It's awful.
Last night I woke up and felt so strange, like my vision was funny I had buzzing in my ears, pins and needles and fet like if I was to stand up then I felt like I wouldn't be able to walk, then my heart started racing. I don't know if it was a panic attack but I kept waking up after that and today I feel terrible and have just cried for most of the morning. I've taken some diazepam which I take for emergencies, but I really don't like taking it, and to be honest the doctor doesn't like giving me it. I'm not sure how I get past this. I've been here before but it's like each time a different symptom pops up and it throws me and then I think oh no this is it this time I'm dying there Is something wrong with me it's not been anxiety all this time. Last night I managed to convince myself I had a brain tumour because of the way I was feeling and I had had a headache the last couple of days (I'm on my period too so had originally put it down to that). I feel so drained today, I'm so sick of it. I know I should phone the Dr but what is the point CBT did not help me and they are quite against giving out medication, but if I'm honest I don't really want to take it as that just gives me more anxiety worrying about side effects... I've been sitting with my mini pill for 6 months still unable to take it incase it makes my anxiety worse! Sorry for the pity post, just need to get it off my chest 🙈