Partner trying to make move further away from my family

[MrLurcher]

Hi all, not a health related topic for a rare change.

Background info, we currently live in the same town as my mother in law but 35/40mins from my mum.

I don't really want to move house anyway, but my partner has always had this 'dream' of living in the countryside in a smallholding type of thing. She currently has a horse on a friends' farm, but wants to have the horse with her.

But I have been open to moving if it could mean moving towards my mum a little bit, but obviously still close to the girls' school for commuting.

My partner has been looking at the market, and she's figured out that houses are cheaper the other side of our town, further away from my mum. She's now found a property in that area which means an extra 15/20 minute drive away from my mum and family, which she said is 'perfect' and within budget. Properties closer to my mum are more expensive, I'll admit that, and she has been looking for a long time for somehwre with land - so I can understand that she's frustrated and upset about my stance.

It's caused huge arguments because I've said before that I'm not moving further away from my mum, especially after we lost our dad last year. I want to ensure that I'm not too far away if/when my mum needs help in the future. My partner says I'm being unreasonable and that I'm not thinking about hers or my daughters' needs to 'have a better life', and that I'm choosing my mum over them. She's also using my mental health against me a bit by saying I've put her through lots of crap over the past 2 years because of my HA, and that I 'owe' her this move.

Does anyone think I am being unreasonable? I know 15/20 minutes isn't that much, but it all adds up - especially to my mum as she's the one that comes to help us with the school runs and general help most weeks. She's not getting any younger and won't like a 60 minute drive to come and see us.

Title should have said 'make me move' btw.
I understand that she wants to achieve her dream, but I think she's being very callous regarding my situation and my mum/family.

[NoraB]

Does anyone think I am being unreasonable? I know 15/20 minutes isn't that much, but it all adds up - especially to my mum as she's the one that comes to help us with the school runs and general help most weeks. She's not getting any younger and won't like a 60 minute drive to come and see us.

Are your partner's parents still alive?

[MrLurcher]

Are your partner's parents still alive?

Yes, her mother lives 5 minutes down the road from us, however doesn't help out much with anything. She doesn't really feel it's her 'job' to her help us out practically. She raised my oartner and her brother independently, so she feels that's what we should be doing as well. Which is fine.

My partners father moved away to Dorset (approx 4 hours away) after they divorced 20 odd years ago, and have only seen him once in person since. He's a very mentally ill man unfortunately, and doesn't really want contact with my partner or her brother, which in itself is sad.

[Fishmanpa]

Sounds like you're at a crossroad and frankly this is a personal life decision and something you need to make on your own. I made a similar decision in 2005, choosing to follow my dream and move to Virginia, 4 hours away from my family, friends and children. While there have been challenges, I don't regret my decision.

FMP

[pulisa]

What does your mum think about this potential move a bit further away?

It's a big decision to make and it's unfair of your partner to put such emotional pressure on you re the "better life". You're not in the Wills and Kate bracket financially (who is?). It's not a question of making a choice between your partner's whims/dreams and your mum/family. It may not be the right time for you to make a move anyway as didn't you mention that your work situation was a bit precarious?

[Scass]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Is there any other reason you don’t want to move?
And yes, what does your Mum think?

[NoraB]

I don't think you're being unreasonable either...

[pulisa]

She's actually putting her horse above your mum in terms of priority though.

[Lencoboy]

She's actually putting her horse above your mum in terms of priority though.

Sounds like a bit of a catch-22 situation to me, with the horse vs family dilemma.

One of my biggest bugbears is when people like to up sticks willy-nilly, (whether to another part of this country or overseas period) in pursuit of an often-fabled better quality of life, usually convinced their existing area of residence is 'going to the dogs', and then the new place they move to doesn't quite fit their expectations/needs, then inadvertently move back to the area they previously moved away from.

There have been two instances of people I know upping sticks in pursuit of a better life then eventually coming back.

Firstly, there were twin sister clients at my previous day centre who moved away to Wales with their parents for about 3-4 years then ended up coming back to Tamworth because their 'new life' in Wales didn't quite live up to their parents' aspirations/expectations, plus they all ended up missing Tamworth.

Secondly, there was this guy (who lives in the Sandwell area) who my dad used to work with back in the 90s, who emigrated to Australia with his wife and (then) 2-year-old son, also bemoaning both his area and the UK as a whole 'going down the toilet', but ended up moving back to the UK (and to the Sandwell area) after approximately 1 year.

So the grass isn't always greener on the other side for a lot of people, despite what their rose-tinted specs often seem to convince them.

(sorry for my lengthy meandering borefest once again).

[NoraB]

(sorry for my lengthy meandering borefest once again).

Lol. My epic posts make yours seem like one-liners, Lenco.

I think I have the monopoly on 'bore fest' around here mate, don't worry. The mighty Ponder stole my crown for a few months but he's been banned for being a very naughty boy so I'm back in my rightful place, boring the living shit out of people on here.

What was it that Anxiety Joe said to me? Something like, 'You need to find a way to say what you need to say in fewer words'