Extreme anxiety days before flight. Don't see me getting on the plane!
In 4 days time, I am due to fly to Copenhagen from The UK. This will be my first flight in 4 years. I've not flown much in my life, just 3 round trips and once doing the same flight that I am due to take again. The first ever time I flew, I was ok. Second time was horrendous with my panicking, hysterical crying and I swore I would never fly again after that and the last time, I was nervous but it never got to panic attack point and I even felt bored for the first time while flying. Usually too highly strung to feel bored 😂
For me, the fear isn't the fear of flying itself. I know all the safety facts and I'm a bit of an aviation geek. Its more the feeling of being trapped, loss of control and the waiting that gets to me. I suffer from agoraphobia and was housebound from it years ago. I also suffer from BPD, CPTSD and dissociation and currently still under the MH team as I have been for 10 years. I have 'typical' anxiety thoughts especially relating to my dissociation like "what if I dissociate so badly that I never 'come back to Earth again?'" or "what if I become crazy on the flight and need to be sectioned when I arrive?!" - I can tell how silly these sound but you know the crap an anxious mind can spout.
I also suffer from BPPV (type of vertigo) and that can get worse on flights. I've had it mild on every flight but then so bad on others that I can't walk until the plane lands. When I have this vertigo, I feel like the ground will disappear from under me and I have to grab onto my arm rest for dear life or I'll fall out the plane, that the plane is spinning, the sensation will never pass etc. Moving my head, watching TV (or even just movement in real life), plane banking etc can trigger it.
I used to use booze as a coping mechanism but I was recently diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis and take methotrexate now and I haven't had a drink since I started it. My husband will be with me on the flight but he isn't much company on flights. He falls asleep soon after take off even if its a short flight so I am always sitting on my own.
Last night, I couldn't sleep for worrying about the flight. I was crying myself to sleep. I always feel anxious days or weeks before a flight but its been so long since I have flown that I can't remember if I was like that last time, I know I was at the airport until I checked in the nerves got better. When I imagine the flight, I can't see myself on it or if I do, I see myself having a huge hysterical panic attack and making a fool of myself. I keep trying to tell myself that every time I thought I couldn't do something this year to the point I could bet my life on not being able to do due to nerves such as my dad's funeral, starting a scary medication like methotrexate, long driving holidays etc - I have managed to do them all and even though they were hard, they were nothing compared to how my anxiety told me they would be. Why should flying be any different?
Just looking for a shoulder to cry on. My friends and family don't understand the fears and I get it, its hard to empathise if you don't have experience. I am terrified to go but terrified to cancel too. One day I want to go to NZ in memory of my dad so I need all the flying experience I can get. I'm sick of letting my fears hold me back but its so much easier said than done to accept anxiety and work with it rather than against it
__________________
C-PTSD (Complex Trauma), OCD, Panic Disorder, GAD
"Save your sympathy for someone else. I don't need it or want it. What you call a panic attack is merely a few normal chemicals that are temporarily out of place in my brain. It is of no significance whatsoever to me!"
"Recovery always lies ahead - however painful the moment"
"Recovery lies in the places and experiences you avoid"
Dr Claire Weekes.
Reply With Quote