Would love a virtual hug or words of wisdom

[WorryRaptor]

It's been a pretty bad week. You know the ones when lots and lots of small things go wrong until everything is a complete mess?

I've been struggling with feeling like a huge burden on everyone in my life. I have ADHD, and while I try hard to manage it, there are times where I slip up. I don't mean to, and it almost physically hurts when somebody thinks I've been intentionally careless. Every day is a combination of managing my symptoms, while trying to meet a set of standards designed for people who don't have a brain like mine. I can't take stimulant meds because I have an irregular heartbeat so I have to work extra hard just to maintain a semblance of normalcy. It's intensely lonely sometimes.

On top of that, these migraines have been plaguing me. My neuro said they can be very random, and essentially something messes with my nervous system with some of the attacks. I'm sitting here wondering where all the weird symptoms end, because it seems like a new one joins the rest every week. If I'm honest, I feel like I've been left somewhat in the dark with these "episodes". This morning, I woke up, was feeling pretty rested, then, when I raised my head from the pillow, the world spun. I slowly sat up and my whole left side just felt like it wasn't holding me up and I tipped sideways. I couldn't stop myself from doing so. It was like being on a boat. Tears just ran down my face out of nowhere, and while I was perfectly calm in the moment, my body was weak and shaky. It wore off after about 20 mins, and left me with a mild overall dizziness/head pressure which is still here now. If I bend and straighten up too quickly, it brings on the dizziness again. They did mention my cervical spine is all kinds of messed up, so I guess it's gotten a bit worse.

That's the thing though, I just have that sort of tired acceptance that stuff is falling apart, and then sudden flashes of anger that nothing is really being done to help me. But there's nowhere to direct that anger, because I'm relying on a broken system (NHS) to help with a very rare type of migraine, and a neck that's essentially got the structural integrity of silly putty, and a possible autoimmune problem that they haven't had the time to test fully for. So that anger turns inwards, at myself, the person who "always seems to be sick", and who constantly lets people down, with the added layer of ADHD to really drive home the reputation of being an oversensitive, flaky person who thinks of nobody but herself. That couldn't be further from the truth. Everything I do is to make sure I'm mindful of other people, and I overcompensate in every way to show them that I care.

All of this stuff going on is putting SO much pressure on Mr Raptor (I like that name, so that his name from now on haha). He was exhausted today having had very little sleep, and he tried desperately to stay awake and make sure I was ok after I'd lost my balance. I lied and said I was better than I was so he would go and catch up on some much needed rest. I'm sitting here now, wishing I could wave a magic wand and be fixed, just so he had less stress. But magic wands don't exist, so I pretend that I'm ok. I downplay everything.

I have a pile of housework to get through, work to catch up on, and I have to somehow find the energy to travel overseas and visit family. Family who doesn't really believe that ADHD is real, and that I just need to toughen up, and that because I'm relatively young, my health issues are clearly nothing serious and just a way of getting out of boring tasks.

My Mum gets fixated on the idea of me being back home, and how amazing it will be, but only as the super shiny, successful, happy version of me that I have to plaster on just to survive the encounter. Everything is about image with them. The moment we have a real conversation, she almost seems disgusted when I voice any real concerns in my life. So I have to sit there and look like everything is roses, pretend my entire spine doesn't hurt, that my hand and foot isn't numb, that I struggle every single day to make sure I'm keeping up. In reality, every single part of me wants to run out of the house screaming.

Dramatic much?

[pulisa]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low and overwhelmed, WR..I just wondered whether you had ever talked frankly to your Mum about the pressure you feel you are under to be the "successful" coper of a daughter whereas in reality you are struggling with chronic pain and the challenges posed by ADHD which the family has preferred to blank out as insignificant

Do you think she is frightened of anything related to mental health in the family? Does she have understanding of MH issues or is this something to be brushed under the carpet?

[WorryRaptor]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low and overwhelmed, WR..I just wondered whether you had ever talked frankly to your Mum about the pressure you feel you are under to be the "successful" coper of a daughter whereas in reality you are struggling with chronic pain and the challenges posed by ADHD which the family has preferred to blank out as insignificant

Do you think she is frightened of anything related to mental health in the family? Does she have understanding of MH issues or is this something to be brushed under the carpet?

Thank you

I've tried as best I can to explain to her, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I'm uncertain if she is able to empathise if I'm honest. She has always been like that. I sort of hold out hope that one day it will click with her, but at this stage in my life, I've given up trying with her.

I think she genuinely views mental health problems as a weakness, and any neurodevelopmental issues she takes as a personal insult, if it's even suggested anybody in the family has them. When I was being assessed for ADHD as an adult, she was extremely preoccupied with making sure the therapist knew how smart I was, and how I was "gifted" because I had a high IQ. She genuinely seems to view ADHD as "stupid", and somehow a reflection on her. When I was officially diagnosed with ADHD, she couldn't care less about the relief I felt, or how I was looking forward to making changes now that I understood what I was struggling with. It seemed more like she just wanted it all to be over and done with.

However, with something like depression, she will immediately embrace it as a very real thing, but has a rather cruel habit of pointing out the less flattering moments that come with a depressive episode. She almost seems to enjoy describing it. I have a couple of more distant family members with with depression, some with ADHD or autism alongside it, and she is pretty narrowminded about them too. One family member, who has battled severe depression their entire life, and who is one of the strongest, smartest, and caring people I know, struggles with bouts of agoraphobia. My mum thought it was all a bit "over the top" that this person couldn't leave their house, and seems to think they're perpetuating the whole thing instead of just going outside.

In a way, I'm thankful she is the way she is, because it made me so much more determined to help others around me. My siblings are the same. We try to make sure everybody we know feels heard, and that their emotions are always valid. Whether I succeed at that, I'm not sure, but I can't bear the thought of another person feeling as invalidated as I did growing up.

[pulisa]

Do you think she may be on the autistic spectrum herself?

[WorryRaptor]

Do you think she may be on the autistic spectrum herself?

That's a very good question. I've often wondered if there was more to her behaviour, though certain things she does don't seem to fit. (Not that there's a strict standard for people on the spectrum, and I apologise if it seems like I'm minimising anyone's experience) She's very social, extroverted, and can small talk to anybody who will listen. Always keeps up with gossip, and is very astute at reading peoples emotions, and their intentions. She's especially good at manipulating those too in a social setting. On the flip side of that, especially concerning her own children, she can be incredibly cold and judgemental. She will know something hurts us, but still verbally twist the knife. A lot of outsiders see our family as a tight knit one, with her at the centre as this warm loving Mum, as that's the part that got played as we were growing up. In reality, none of us could be vulnerable around her in case she used it against us at a later time when things weren't going her way. She would play this push and pull mind game with me when I was a teenager, telling me how pretty I was one day, and then completely slating my appearance the next. She would liken me to some sort of derogatory term I won't repeat here, and then the next day tell me I was stunning. It seriously messed with my self image.

It can seem like a lot of it is a performance for her which I know is common with masking. I do it too to some extent, only my version is that I make myself less noticeable in order to avoid revealing ADHD traits. For her, it could be that she's projecting a bigger personality to cover up her own struggles. Honestly, it's impossible to tell. She could be masking like there's no tomorrow, or she could genuinely be emotionally cruel. I know that raising the subject with her would be met by rage. She's vehemently avoidant of therapists. Perhaps she fears they might see something there.

[gary_2.0]

"You know the ones when lots and lots of small things go wrong until everything is a complete mess?"

Yep, I know that feeling all too well, so please take this virtual hug from me and remember that everything passes/resolves itself in time..

I know what it's like when no one gets you too, and you suffer their frustration, and anger in the belief you're being deliberately cruel, or horrible. Even after you try to explain it to them. I think I find that one of the most hurtful things I have to deal with. In the end though, we can't educate people who don't want to see reality.

So anyway, everything passes/resolves itself in time - all the small stuff. All the shit that seems to feel like a dead end. Everything. Hopefully your stuff works out for you soon. And never forget - you're never alone

It's frustrating how hard we must work. We have all of life's problems, plus extra. I hope you find comfort here at NMP. I always have. It's a great resource, and all credit to Nic who created this safe place for us all

[Scass]

Have a hug from me WR. You’ve had some beautiful thoughtful replies and I don’t really know how to add to them. There’s a lot of pressure this time of year to be better than the best version of yourself, make sure you get time to rest and relax too x

[NoraB]

My Mum gets fixated on the idea of me being back home, and how amazing it will be, but only as the super shiny, successful, happy version of me that I have to plaster on just to survive the encounter. Everything is about image with them. The moment we have a real conversation, she almost seems disgusted when I voice any real concerns in my life. So I have to sit there and look like everything is roses, pretend my entire spine doesn't hurt, that my hand and foot isn't numb, that I struggle every single day to make sure I'm keeping up. In reality, every single part of me wants to run out of the house screaming.

I'm so very sorry that this is your experience. Family don't understand the damage they do in not accepting who we are. They don't have to understand; but they should be able to accept us for who we are because that's part of unconditional love. If that doesn't happen, maybe you need to think about whether this trip is the right thing for you at this time, especially when you're struggling so much. Sometimes we have to put our own needs first, Raptor. Your family have to take responsibility here. You have ADHD and you have no choice in this. This is something you were born with. You are who you are. Life is hard enough even with the acceptance of family.

What do you have in the tank?' Given how exhausted you are now, what does it take from you to get through these trips? (What are the physical, emotional and mental consequences?)

I would speak to your mum or send an e-mail or letter. Tell her what it takes for you to 'pretend' in order to be acceptable to her, and how damaging that is to your physical and mental health. Explain what you need from her, and maybe lay down some boundaries?

Dramatic much?

Not at all.

[pulisa]

That's a very good question. I've often wondered if there was more to her behaviour, though certain things she does don't seem to fit. (Not that there's a strict standard for people on the spectrum, and I apologise if it seems like I'm minimising anyone's experience) She's very social, extroverted, and can small talk to anybody who will listen. Always keeps up with gossip, and is very astute at reading peoples emotions, and their intentions. She's especially good at manipulating those too in a social setting. On the flip side of that, especially concerning her own children, she can be incredibly cold and judgemental. She will know something hurts us, but still verbally twist the knife. A lot of outsiders see our family as a tight knit one, with her at the centre as this warm loving Mum, as that's the part that got played as we were growing up. In reality, none of us could be vulnerable around her in case she used it against us at a later time when things weren't going her way. She would play this push and pull mind game with me when I was a teenager, telling me how pretty I was one day, and then completely slating my appearance the next. She would liken me to some sort of derogatory term I won't repeat here, and then the next day tell me I was stunning. It seriously messed with my self image.

It can seem like a lot of it is a performance for her which I know is common with masking. I do it too to some extent, only my version is that I make myself less noticeable in order to avoid revealing ADHD traits. For her, it could be that she's projecting a bigger personality to cover up her own struggles. Honestly, it's impossible to tell. She could be masking like there's no tomorrow, or she could genuinely be emotionally cruel. I know that raising the subject with her would be met by rage. She's vehemently avoidant of therapists. Perhaps she fears they might see something there.

Perhaps she does so she goes all out to make sure-ostensibly-that there's "nothing to see here"?

I agree with Nora's suggestion as to questioning whether it's in your best interests to go back there now and potentially re-visit old torments? You don't have to go. You have made your own life for yourself. I think it would be good if you could communicate with your mum and tell her what's going on and what behaviours of hers really make you feel bad?

I doubt whether she would want to know about ADHD and how it affects you? You say that she is very astute at reading people's emotions but she's used this "skill" to denigrate and belittle you when it suits her. She's maybe scared to know more because she sees it as something reflecting on her? These are just my views based on what you have written of course and I'm probably way off target but maybe communicating with her would help you to get all this out in the open if you could tolerate this?

[Luna night]

Hi sending you a virtual hug. ❤️