Lost my girl tonight :(

[fishman65]

Bless you Poppy that's awful news. I'm so sorry, losing a loved pet is one of the worst things that can happen. Thinking of you xx

[NoraB]

Very sorry to hear this, Poppy.

[Carnation]

Thinking of you poppy

[.Poppy.]

Thank you all. We buried her on Monday, the ground was pretty frozen but the man who usually delivers hay to my parents was able to dig a hole. It's near a tree so we talked about buying some solar lights and stringing them on the tree.

I'm still struggling with it, to be honest. I've lost pets before but in nearly all cases they've been much older, slowing down, or sick. The suddenness of it all is what has been hard I think - she was there greeting me when I arrived home and less than five minutes later she was just gone. And not knowing for sure what happened. This was always my safe space and I feel a bit betrayed. I'm sure what happened was an animal was coming down and looking for some cat food and she probably was up there doing the same but I do have to keep telling myself that to not feel a bit paranoid. I've played how it could have happened a bunch in my mind but obviously that's not helpful and I'll never really know - she didn't have any obvious external injuries. And even if it's not helpful I keep wondering "what if I'd just taken Chisum out" or "what if I'd just gone out earlier and left my parents to feed the other dogs".

I still haven't told my best friend; she'll be devastated. I fear she'll try to call me after I tell her the news and I'm just not up to talking.

Poor Chisum lost his only friend and he doesn't get along with other dogs, so he'll probably never have another dog friend again. I know he can sense we are all upset, but I wonder too if he's missing her and doesn't understand where she's gone.

I also am going through the motions of "last time I did X, she was still here" and thinking of all the things we were going to do that we can't. Vacation this summer, charity dog walks, chasing the waterbugs around the stream, hiking with my nephew. There will just never be another Sophie.

Anyway, that's my pity party, thank you all for thinking of me.

[Carnation]

Oh poppy you need time to process but not too many 'Ifs'. I think the string lights are a lovely idea. And by a tree that will be there always. We are here if you need to talk. It's early days and still so fresh in your mind. One-step at a time. x

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, Carnation. I did manage to tell my friend and she was very supportive. I am still struggling with a major anxiety spike though. I am working on setting up a plan to visit my friend but it’s about a 10 hour drive and suddenly I’m panicking about that and what if something bad happens, what if I get sick? What if there is a car accident? I’ve never had driving anxiety before but it’s like all the things I felt safe about before feel so unsafe now and that’s a major struggle that I’ve had for awhile now that is just ramping up more. I have another therapy appointment next week so will see what they say.

My mom told me last night that she was so proud of me and that I was so strong; she as giving me all kinds of compliments saying that I was smart and capable and stuff like that and it was hard not to just laugh, I certainly don’t feel like any of those things.

[Carnation]

You are smart and capable poppy. I can see that in your posting. I can understand a 10 hour drive may be causing you pre anxiety. You don't have to go so soon. Maybe see what your therapist says or see how you feel nearer the time. Try not to refer to safe and unsafe situations, that won't help. And remember it's still early days. x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Poppy, I'm so sorry to hear this. You've had all that worry over Chisum and now this comes out of nowhere.

If you could you would have done everything possible to stop it. We all know this. So whilst it's only natural you need to remember you could never know and it's just one of those tragedies in life than can happen to any of us. To protect ourselves from such events would mean we wouldn't live and she had all those wonderful years with you all where she knew what it felt like to be loved. She knew that and loved you back.

You will think about her a lot and see her out of the corner of your eyes where you would expect her to normally be. This will heal in time and whilst there will still be sadness you will find memories of fondness come to take over.

[ckelley116]

Oh Poppy, I’m so sorry! I was so wrapped up in my own pet fears I completely missed this. Hoping you can find some peace in your memories of Sophie 💗

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, ckelley. It's been hard but we are pushing through.

I hope you were able to get good news for your kitty.