I hate weekends, it is when I start thinking all my wacky stuff. I went to bed anx last night, I woke this morning anx. I just hate it. My daughter has just asked for a friend over to play but I can't stand the idea of it as it means I can't slob around in my pj's so I have said 'no' which is so rotten.
I started off well thinking 'I am going to beat this' and suggested going for a country walk, which we did and it was lovely. We all fell in the mud and had a good laugh and all was nice. Now that I am back in the house, I got back into pj's and I feel so anx and desperate for bedtime. It doesn't help that my daughter asked me 'why do you always go to bed early?'
I am thinking all the silly things that I have done like the disappearing and stuff and I 'want' to do them again.......... yet I don't really so I have an internal battle going on in my head (which the sensible side is winning) Don't ask me why I do stuff like this. I really don't know.
I am so anx as I can't see my way to bedtime feeling like I do. the thought of having to get through another day is just mammoth.
I take all the drugs I am prescribed even though I hate them and it just doesn't seem to get better, yet I get told by shrink that I am 'impatient' what is wrong with wanting to stop feeling like this and be a normal mum and let her daughter have friends round to play?
I realise I have been having a few spitting out the dummy moments recently but I am in despair of this BP ever stabilising. To top it all I have a tic that is probably caused by my drugs.
I really don't see an end to this.
Happyone
xx