Terrified I sexually abused someone as a kid

[Rhys1879SAFC]

And it’s all I think about all day every day. I just can’t escape it. I’m hoping some of you are going to tell me I’m being ridiculous.

This is bizarre and a little embarrassing to write.

When I was around 7/8 years old I stopped at a friends house and sometime before bed for whatever reason I went under the sheets and started touching / tickling his feet. I have absolutely no idea why I did this or why I felt like this was an okay thing to do. I can remember him laughing and then for some horrible reason I remember licking his foot for like a second. I remember him saying in shock “was that your tongue?!” And I lied and said no. Then we went to sleep.

I never did anything like that ever again and forgot about it for 20 years. Then one day it popped into my head and oh my God the shame, embarrassment and anxiety about what I did is horrendous and it’s eating away at me.

I keep trying to tell myself that I was just a kid and kids do bizarre things and that it’s unlikely the guy even remembers it and even if he does he probably doesn’t care.

But my anxious mind is saying I’ve abused him. He’s scarred for life. He’s traumatised. What if he felt / feels violated? What if he feels like he was sexually assaulted? Am I a child abuser?

At one point it was so bad I was scared to change my daughters nappy which is ridiculous I know.

I keep worrying I’m going to receive a message from him saying I remember what you did. You abused me. I’m going to get the police involved etc…

I don’t know how I could live with myself if I’d abused someone, let alone an innocent child.

Please someone tell me I’m overreacting!

[venusbluejeans]

You are 10000000000000% overeacting.

[NoraB]

When I was around 7/8 years old I stopped at a friends house and sometime before bed for whatever reason I went under the sheets and started touching / tickling his feet. I have absolutely no idea why I did this or why I felt like this was an okay thing to do. I can remember him laughing and then for some horrible reason I remember licking his foot for like a second. I remember him saying in shock “was that your tongue?!” And I lied and said no. Then we went to sleep.

It's just kids stuff..

For what it's worth, I give you kudos for going near a pair of feet. (There's no way in hell you'll catch me near anyone's feet, inc my own)

[ankietyjoe]

Maybe re-read your previous post about exactly the same thing.

[Rhys1879SAFC]

It's just kids stuff..

For what it's worth, I give you kudos for going near a pair of feet. (There's no way in hell you'll catch me near anyone's feet, inc my own)

I think this is what is freaking me out so much as I hate feet too. I guess as a 7/8 year old you do bizarre things.

I feel worse now as I spoke to someone last night who says that she’s not too concerned by what happened but that it’s hard to know how the other person would feel about it now and that it’s subjective. This has sent me into a bit of a spiral as to me that signals that the other person might recall the incident as me abusing them which has ****ing terrified me…

[NoraB]

I think this is what is freaking me out so much as I hate feet too. I guess as a 7/8 year old you do bizarre things.

It's innocent behaviour that your OCD is twisting into something it's not...

I feel worse now as I spoke to someone last night who says that she’s not too concerned by what happened but that it’s hard to know how the other person would feel about it now and that it’s subjective.

She's just stating the obvious here.. You can't possibly know how that person (or anybody) feels, or what they're thinking, but the chances are that the guy hasn't given you a second thought for years..

This has sent me into a bit of a spiral as to me that signals that the other person might recall the incident as me abusing them which has ****ing terrified me…

But, it's not abuse. This was two little boys mucking about, nothing more..

The problem is your OCD...

[Rhys1879SAFC]

It's innocent behaviour that your OCD is twisting into something it's not...



She's just stating the obvious here.. You can't possibly know how that person (or anybody) feels, or what they're thinking, but the chances are that the guy hasn't given you a second thought for years..



But, it's not abuse. This was two little boys mucking about, nothing more..

The problem is your OCD...

Thanks Nora.

Logically my brain is saying I’m being stupid. But the anxious brain is saying all this other crap that’s scaring me.

I’m on NHS waiting list for CBT but was told it’s like a 7/8 month wait. I’ve been waiting 4 months now so just trying to hold out till then.

[NoraB]

Thanks Nora.

Logically my brain is saying I’m being stupid. But the anxious brain is saying all this other crap that’s scaring me.

I have OCD. (Checking habit and intrusive thoughts). I understand you, believe me...

I’m on NHS waiting list for CBT but was told it’s like a 7/8 month wait. I’ve been waiting 4 months now so just trying to hold out till then.

In the meantime, we're here to support you, and there are some good self-help books out there..

[Rhys1879SAFC]

I have OCD. (Checking habit and intrusive thoughts). I understand you, believe me...



In the meantime, we're here to support you, and there are some good self-help books out there..

The sad thing is I remember having this memory a couple of years ago when I was happy and anxiety free and thinking at the time “wow that was weird, why did you do that?” But then something came along to distract me and I never gave it a second thought.

It’s insane what anxiety can do.

[Lencoboy]

I can't see anything sexualised nor sinister about 7-8-year-old kids of the same gender tickling and licking each other's feet. Plus as the big media circus about historical sex abuse seems to have died down more recently, your old friend is less likely to be reminded of it and inadvertently make an issue of it, and probably unlikely to have done anyway.