Hi All,
Yesterday I went in for my annual mammogram and ultrasound check up. I'm 33, but have a strong history of Breast Cancer in my family (mom had it when she was 39, maternal aunt had it before 50, and paternal grandmother had it). Because of this, they started my screenings young. Thankfully, both my mom and aunt tested negative for the BRCA gene and, most importantly and thankfully, all three women in my family have survived.
I've assumed since I was a kid that I would get breast cancer; I was 9 when my mom was diagnosed, and I knew enough about cancer at that age to know that it was genetic, so I kind of just accepted that it would happen to me. When my aunt got it in her 40s, that was further proof for me that I would get it, and could probably get it young. Thankfully, I have access to good health insurance and health care, and we started ultrasounds in my mid 20s, and added mammograms to it in my 30s. I have "busy" breasts, as the doctor puts it. Lots of cysts (some simple, some complicated), as a lot of women have, so the check ups are extra necessary to make sure nothing is wrong.
Yesterday's mammogram showed nothing, but the ultrasound (which I believe is more useful for cystsy breasts like mine), showed something that caused the doctor some concern. They came in after the procedure and explained that there was some "abnormality" in one of my cysts that was more prominent and therefore caused them some concern. It's small (9mm), and they label it as "low suspicion for malignancy", but they want to biopsy it just to be sure. The doctor even made a point to say "there is no rush to biopsy this", but they just want to be sure.
I completely fell apart right there on the ultrasound table (goo on my breasts from the ultrasound, clutching the towel to cover myself, not my best moment lol), then again when making my appointment. I've been waiting and assuming this would happen since I was a kid, and it feels like the inevitable C word has come for me. They were all wonderful, assuring me that this is low risk and low suspicion and they just want to be sure it's nothing bad. And, it's small, so no matter the outcome we seem to be in good shape.
I've done all of the research, that 80% of biopsies come back benign, the fact that this is the "low suspicion" category is a good sign, my age helps (although with my mom getting it in her 30s, this doesn't really comfort me), etc. etc. But I'm spiraling. I'm convinced that this is cancer, and I'm not comforted at all by the fact that, if it is, signs are pointing to it being caught early. I oscillate between being panicked by the word cancer regardless of the stage, to being convinced that it's spread further than they assume (I'm reading into muscle pains, acid reflux, etc. that I've been having as signs of spread).
My biopsy is scheduled for June 21st, plus 3-4 business days for the results to come in. I gave myself yesterday to really lean into this and panic and cry and consider all worst case scenarios (of which I have created MANY). But now I need to figure out how to not let this consume me for the next few weeks. All I can focus on right now is how they're going to tell me the results, and I can't stop imagining them telling me that I need to come in for a discussion, or for them to tell me over the phone that it's cancer. How do I tell my parents that? How do I respond? I can't imagine another outcome other than that right now, and the way my anxiety works is that I interpret that to mean that this is a premonition of what's to come. Since I can't envision an outcome where this isn't cancer, that must mean that I have an intuition here that the doctors, friends, family, don't have.
What I really am craving right now (along with a hug and chocolate lol) are stories of people who have had something similar happen and it came out to be benign, but probably what I really need is advice on how to move through the day with this giant question mark over my head. I feel paralyzed and numb, while at the same time like I'm constantly on the verge of sobbing and throwing up. I've reached out to my close friends and my parents, and they've all been wonderful. My friends have rallied around me to distract me this weekend, my dad is sending encouraging texts, and my mom will be coming in for the biopsy.
I feel trapped by my anxiety and my own worst thoughts, and I'm giving my worst case scenario thinking more credit and logic than what the doctors are telling me. I know inherently that isn't logical, but I can't imagine a scenario where this isn't really bad. And, because that's the only scenario I can imagine, my anxiety is telling me that it's a premonition and intuition, and everyone else is wrong.
Any advice would be welcome and appreciated <3
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