Fear of intruders, has anyone had help with this?

[Rosanna]

One morning my doorbell rang very early, I didn't answer it as I wasn't even sure if it was my door bell at that point and I had other relaxing sounds playing and thought it was some interuption to that.

I thought no more of it until around lunchtime I noticed that my back garden gate was open. I figured the ring on the doorbell was someone trying to alert me to it, but aware it could have been a burglar checking whether I was home.

A few days earlier I'd had a gardener at the property. I know he was going to open the gate to do some work on the other side of it. A friend who also uses the gardener told me he's left her gate open before now.

So, it could have been the gardener and possibly that's the most likely explanation.

I've never been concerned with intruders before as I'd fight like hell, I also go to bed in the early hours of the morning anyway, so not a lot of hours left before people are up and about. I've always been like this and didn't do it for fear of intruders. I also lived where there was a lot of bright street lighting, but now the lighting is turned off until 4am.

I'm not concerned while I'm awake as I'm in control, but suddenly not wanting to go to sleep. Exhausted obviously.

Has anyone had CBT or therapy for this sort of thing? Other words of wisdom would be appreciated. Where I live has always been very peaceful and low crime, but since the pandemic that seems to have changed, I think it has in a lot of places.

[Lencoboy]

One morning my doorbell rang very early, I didn't answer it as I wasn't even sure if it was my door bell at that point and I had other relaxing sounds playing and thought it was some interuption to that.

I thought no more of it until around lunchtime I noticed that my back garden gate was open. I figured the ring on the doorbell was someone trying to alert me to it, but aware it could have been a burglar checking whether I was home.

A few days earlier I'd had a gardener at the property. I know he was going to open the gate to do some work on the other side of it. A friend who also uses the gardener told me he's left her gate open before now.

So, it could have been the gardener and possibly that's the most likely explanation.

I've never been concerned with intruders before as I'd fight like hell, I also go to bed in the early hours of the morning anyway, so not a lot of hours left before people are up and about. I've always been like this and didn't do it for fear of intruders. I also lived where there was a lot of bright street lighting, but now the lighting is turned off until 4am.

I'm not concerned while I'm awake as I'm in control, but suddenly not wanting to go to sleep. Exhausted obviously.

Has anyone had CBT or therapy for this sort of thing? Other words of wisdom would be appreciated. Where I live has always been very peaceful and low crime, but since the pandemic that seems to have changed, I think it has in a lot of places.

Well I haven't heard nor read about any nationwide burglary epidemics in the media recently, and if there have been any the media to the best of my knowledge haven't made a song and danced over it. Also remember that the chances of being burgled were far greater back in the 80s and 90s than they seem to be now, as historical official stats show.

BIB 1: The gardener is probably the most likely culprit for leaving your rear gate open. He sounds a bit of a fool and indeed a liability for not shutting it as that in turn (dare I say it) could be a potential magnet for intruders. Someone seriously needs to have a quiet word in his ear.

BIB 2: This may simply be more perception rather than true reality, as I personally think that the pandemic has largely contributed to us feeling more sensitive and hypervigilant towards certain things that already long existed previously but used to just go over our heads most of the time. One thing in particular for me (as I have already mentioned in other threads on here) is nuisance noise from cars (and motorbikes) with loud souped-up engines and exhausts with the drivers driving them like lunatics and often blaring out loud music from their car stereos with the windows wide open.

As far as street lighting is concerned, newer-style LED lamp heads have sprung up en masse in my neck of the woods over the past year or two, replacing the old-style SOX and SON types, either retrofitted to existing columns or complete brand new columns with the new LED lamp heads installed. Allegedly, these newer LED lamp heads consume far less power than conventional types and can be left on all night, and no doubt your local authority will eventually switch over to them.

[.Poppy.]

I struggle with this too. Both when I'm asleep and when I have to go into work because my dog and cat are home alone and I have a major fear of something happening to them while I'm out. I do think the pandemic contributed to the hypervigilance I was already prone to, but there are probably other factors too.

I don't know if I have the best advice; I sleep with bear spray by my bed and also keep my phone and keys close. I also have a dog that I know would bark and keep a leash for him in my bedroom in case we needed to go out the window, which as I type it sounds totally off the rocker but I feel better knowing I have a backup plan.

I did go to therapy for awhile and we were working on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but I had to take a break due to finances. It was pretty helpful though. She had me take an Enneagram test and apparently my personality type is really prone to the need to be overprepared (fits right in with my OCD) and to feel safe and keep others safe, which was interesting but I suppose not surprising.

For me, it comes down to making sure my doors are locked, I have motion sensor lights in some spots on my house, and just having things so that if I needed to act I would be prepared. On top of that, I tell myself that crime is relatively uncommon where I live, especially violent crime, so that my odds of becoming a random victim are pretty low.

[Lencoboy]

I struggle with this too. Both when I'm asleep and when I have to go into work because my dog and cat are home alone and I have a major fear of something happening to them while I'm out. I do think the pandemic contributed to the hypervigilance I was already prone to, but there are probably other factors too.

I don't know if I have the best advice; I sleep with bear spray by my bed and also keep my phone and keys close. I also have a dog that I know would bark and keep a leash for him in my bedroom in case we needed to go out the window, which as I type it sounds totally off the rocker but I feel better knowing I have a backup plan.

I did go to therapy for awhile and we were working on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but I had to take a break due to finances. It was pretty helpful though. She had me take an Enneagram test and apparently my personality type is really prone to the need to be overprepared (fits right in with my OCD) and to feel safe and keep others safe, which was interesting but I suppose not surprising.

For me, it comes down to making sure my doors are locked, I have motion sensor lights in some spots on my house, and just having things so that if I needed to act I would be prepared. On top of that, I tell myself that crime is relatively uncommon where I live, especially violent crime, so that my odds of becoming a random victim are pretty low.

Exactly my point Poppy.

Obviously depending on where one lives is the main factor that determines people's fear of crime as certain areas can be worse (and better) than others. Luckily my immediate area has very little crime in general (currently and historically) so I don't tend to lose sleep over the thought of being mugged while out and about or burgled.

I think for quite a number of years now (and on both sides of the Atlantic) people's fear of crime in general has disproportionately been higher than ever before despite the chances of being a victim in general statistically being lower now than back in the 80s and 90s when it seemed to be at its peak, particularly by strangers. Let's face it, most burglars and thieves are now probably less inclined to steal old favourites like TV sets, disc players, audio equipment or even computers now than in those aforementioned decades as they're (for the most part) theoretically can be obtained much cheaper now than at any time during their entire existence.

In fact, had I been the age I am now back in the 80s and 90s, and also had I known then what I know now in retrospect, I probably would have had the fear of God put into me nearly every time I read a newspaper or watched the news on TV, but strangely nowadays here in the UK the national news media seldom ever seem to give our national crime stats much of a look in like they used to; at least not for the past 5 years or so, which I can't really make up my mind as to whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

[.Poppy.]

Yeah, I'm not really concerned about being mugged or attacked while out and about, because generally I do live in a safe city. But this is the US so there is always the fear of gun violence (here it usually happens in the bar district at night, but there have been some incidents in some of the sketchier neighborhoods) and I think crime in general has upticked a bit.

I'm mainly concerned with being safe in my home. I have a couple of neighbors that are somewhat questionable, so I have a fear that someone might be looking for them and end up at my house by mistake. I also fear things like a date gone bad or even just random crime (we had a serial attacker in our town several years ago who seems to have stopped but was never caught). And it's hard to hear about bad things on the news and not letting it get to my head - like the college students who were attacked last year in Idaho. Statistically something like that is really rare, but it's really scary just the same.

But I don't mean to hop on the thread and take it over with my own fears. Rosanna, I hope you are able to find some peace. I know how scary it can be.

[Rosanna]

I struggle with this too. Both when I'm asleep and when I have to go into work because my dog and cat are home alone and I have a major fear of something happening to them while I'm out. I do think the pandemic contributed to the hypervigilance I was already prone to, but there are probably other factors too.

I don't know if I have the best advice; I sleep with bear spray by my bed and also keep my phone and keys close. I also have a dog that I know would bark and keep a leash for him in my bedroom in case we needed to go out the window, which as I type it sounds totally off the rocker but I feel better knowing I have a backup plan.

I did go to therapy for awhile and we were working on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but I had to take a break due to finances. It was pretty helpful though. She had me take an Enneagram test and apparently my personality type is really prone to the need to be overprepared (fits right in with my OCD) and to feel safe and keep others safe, which was interesting but I suppose not surprising.

For me, it comes down to making sure my doors are locked, I have motion sensor lights in some spots on my house, and just having things so that if I needed to act I would be prepared. On top of that, I tell myself that crime is relatively uncommon where I live, especially violent crime, so that my odds of becoming a random victim are pretty low.

Poppy, I understand you being worried about your dog and cat. I would tell myself most burglars are only interested in stealing so they would leave the animals alone, but if they tried to defend themselves, especially the dog, that would be a worry. I would hope that burglars may like animals as a general rule, it does seem most humans do even when they don't like other people, so I would hope the odds are in favour of the animals being spared. But we don't know of course.

I think you're in the US? I'm in the UK, and it's always been a very low probability but there definitely has been a problem since the pandemic, and our area was so safe before that you could walk out at any time of the day or night, alone, and you'd be fine almost 100% of the time. I wouldn't advise it but on one occasion I forgot medicene that was in my car which was parked 2 streets away and I went out at 1am to get it. That's how safe our area was, but it has definitely changed, to feeling unsafe (not even just average).

I used to live in a first floor apartment and the walls were so thin that 5 different households would hear if there were any problems. I don't live there now. I used to hate the thin walls but...

I think once there's a system in place I'll feel a lot better. I don't have anything of value for burglars, so I'm more concerned about sleeping with the thought that someone could enter. I can't fight back or leave if not aware, that is what worries me.

I think with my own ocd, part of this is going to have to accept that it could happen and accept the uncertainty of not knowing what that would look like and whether I escape etc. Like you said, I'm about control, I organise everything so that I'm in control, and this will take a bit of time to sort out the best deterrant approach, etc.

Then it's about me, radical acceptance, etc...

[Lencoboy]

Poppy, I understand you being worried about your dog and cat. I would tell myself most burglars are only interested in stealing so they would leave the animals alone, but if they tried to defend themselves, especially the dog, that would be a worry. I would hope that burglars may like animals as a general rule, it does seem most humans do even when they don't like other people, so I would hope the odds are in favour of the animals being spared. But we don't know of course.

I think you're in the US? I'm in the UK, and it's always been a very low probability but there definitely has been a problem since the pandemic, and our area was so safe before that you could walk out at any time of the day or night, alone, and you'd be fine almost 100% of the time. I wouldn't advise it but on one occasion I forgot medicene that was in my car which was parked 2 streets away and I went out at 1am to get it. That's how safe our area was, but it has definitely changed, to feeling unsafe (not even just average).

I used to live in a first floor apartment and the walls were so thin that 5 different households would hear if there were any problems. I don't live there now. I used to hate the thin walls but...

I think once there's a system in place I'll feel a lot better. I don't have anything of value for burglars, so I'm more concerned about sleeping with the thought that someone could enter. I can't fight back or leave if not aware, that is what worries me.

I think with my own ocd, part of this is going to have to accept that it could happen and accept the uncertainty of not knowing what that would look like and whether I escape etc. Like you said, I'm about control, I organise everything so that I'm in control, and this will take a bit of time to sort out the best deterrant approach, etc.

Then it's about me, radical acceptance, etc...

I wonder if the pandemic has really made people more criminally inclined, or is this current 'fear of crime' merely just 'in the mind' of a lot of people?

Strangely, like I said upthread, I haven't heard of nor read about any sudden explosion of burglaries in the UK, though I did see something the other day about a reported epidemic of 'shop crime' allegedly since the start of the pandemic, which I'm sure was already a problem long before the start of the pandemic, which I also remember being covered extensively back in the 2000s.

I do feel as though quite a few people are unduly using the pandemic as a 'scapegoat' for many of the ills of society ATM; like I already said many of which were already a thing long before 2020.

Perhaps your area might just happen to be going through a bit of a blip ATM, and the fact that it's post-pandemic is sheer coincidence rather than a direct cause. Plus you're probably correct that for the most part burglars tend to be in pursuit of 'high value' items, of which you said you don't have in your home.

In fact, I think I actually read something recently that since the pandemic many of us have become more sensitive and intolerant towards certain issues which were already things long prior but didn't always give as much as a second thought to, especially 'nuisance noise'. And during tougher times like the recent pandemic and the GFC at the end of the 2000s we naturally tend to be disproportionately hypervigilant even if the perceived problems are actually no greater than before.

I can be one of the worst culprits myself for such catastrophising and 'whatiffery'.

[Rosanna]

Lencoboy, not ignoring you, I was replying to you last night and fell asleep. That never happens to me when on the computer, lol, but just shows how I've been.

You raise a lot of good points and I agree re the pandemic being a scapegoat, in general I agree with that.

I will reply properly at some point today. Thanks for your help on this.

[.Poppy.]

I think it's a more a matter of the pandemic being so divisive, at least over here (yes, I'm in the US), and it sharpened divides between people that were already there along with political differences. It sort of highlighted the difference between people who were more community minded (willing to take the recommended measures to protect others) and those who were hyper individualistic (people who thought they were healthy enough it would be just a cold for them, so they didn't care to follow recommendations) and there is a lot of resentment about that.

Also, I think the cost of living crisis is at play. It makes people restless and angry, and if they are hard up, maybe more likely to steal things.

But of course some it has always been happening, it's just that we're more aware of certain things. In some respects, things are safer now.

Rosanna, I do think radical acceptance is important. And maybe my perspective isn't the best, but I do think having things in place to make you feel safer is also important. I have a couple of cameras and sensors on exterior doors, and an alarm I set when I'm not home so that I can generally be alerted if something is amiss and try to deal with it.

[Lencoboy]

Lencoboy, not ignoring you, I was replying to you last night and fell asleep. That never happens to me when on the computer, lol, but just shows how I've been.

You raise a lot of good points and I agree re the pandemic being a scapegoat, in general I agree with that.

I will reply properly at some point today. Thanks for your help on this.

You're very welcome Rosanna.