Hello,
It has been years since I have been on this forum. I have had anxiety/panic disorder for 25 years now, since I had post-natal depression after my 2nd child was born.
It was really bad for the first few years, struggled to go most places, struggled to go on trains, motorways, planes, you get the idea. BUT, no matter how bad it was, we still managed to take the kids on holidays, both in the UK and abroad. I was ill for weeks before it, and fought the anxiety while I was there, but I did go. Then in 2010, my husband went to work abroad and was away for months at a time. So my anxiety got really bad. At the time the kids were 15 & 11. I ended up giving in and going on Prozac (which I only came off 2.5 years ago).
However, I coped, as he was away, I had to do everything, and gradually I began getting over most of my anxiety. I was able to go on trains, drive on motorways, and even go on holidays, without much anxiety. I even flew alone with my daughter to see my husband, and eventually on my own when she was old enough to not want to go with me. My son moved to London in March 2018 and I went to visit him by train or plane often on my own. (and I was fine)
So, while the anxiety and panic did not ever completely go away, it was manageable and not too bad. I was even quite proud of myself as I really did a lot better than I had in the past.
Husband retired in May 2021, so has been home all the time now. I am retired too. We made the decision with our daughter, who still lived at home, and who had begged us for years, to get a dog. We picked up our gorgeous wee boy Harris in Jan 2022. The week before we were to pick him up, (we had an 8hr drive to Wales to get him), my anxiety and panic escalated. I know the reason, when the kids were young I could never leave the country without them, as my panic was so bad. Now that they were older, I felt that my panic & anxiety were not as bad because I didn't feel the pressure of responsibility any more. But, when I knew we were getting a dog, (I knew that the responsibility would weigh heavily on me again), and boy did it ever. My anxiety peaked again for a good little while. But it comes and goes, and overall, I was still handling it.
However, my anxiety and panic is bad during the night again, when I wake up, which is almost every night. When we have tried to go away on holiday abroad (my daughter is here to look after Harris and that was part of the deal getting a dog, that she would do that), my anxiety was bad again. I am ill for weeks before it, worrying about leaving him and while I am away I am fighting the panic and anxiety especially at night. My fear is that I won't be able to get back to him when I need to.
This year we went away for a month to the South of France. We drove and took the ferry so that Harris could come with us. The kids and their partners flew to meet with us for some of the time too. However, even then, my anxiety and panic was bad. I didn't think I would actually be able to go. My fear was that my hubby would not be able to drive home for some reason and that I would have to, which I didn't think I could do.
So, my anxiety and panic is getting bad again.
I have started to realise, or guess, that my anxiety could be separation anxiety? it explains a lot if I'm honest.
So, my friend was having her 50th birthday to Iceland. I was invited. There were 7 of us. We booked it last November. We were to fly yesterday and come back this Sunday. I helped planned all the activities, as I am quite good at that. But, a few weeks ago, Iceland was in the news as there had been lots of earth tremors and the volcano was suspected to erupt. (I'm sure you have seen this). I really started to panic then. I thought what if we can't get back and are stuck there for xmas. It got really bad. I have also had terrible acid reflux for years which has now escalated too so I was worried about that being away. But, as always, I managed to make myself go and not cancel as I knew that I would hate myself for not going. Like I say, I am like this all the time now again. It Was a very early flight and somehow I managed to push myself, check in and we were all having breakfast and drinks in departures. But, my panic was really bad and I had a massive panic attack. They were all worried about me but said, you can get through this, you have us. But I felt like I was going to ruin their holiday. They kept saying, no you won't. They were lovely. But I knew that even if I did get on that plane, that my panic was going to come and go while we were there, and I did NOT want it to be about me as it was my friends 50th. In the end, I did something that I have never done before; at the gate I told them I could not get on the flight and they had to retrieve my bag. My friends were gutted, as was I, but for some reason, this time, I just could not do it. I have been crying ever since. I feel like a total failure and I am so ashamed of myself. I cannot believe that I have got this bad again. I am so exhausted and fed up feeling like this. I am exhausted trying to fight my anxiety even now, 25 years later. I honestly cannot do this anymore. My daughter and husband said that maybe it would be better if I stopped booking holidays abroad and we just have holidays in the UK until I can get into a better mindset again. My daughter said that I need to go and get help. but I have already tried everything over the years, you name it, I've tried it. I will not go back onto meds again though, was on Prozac for 11 years and I refuse to go back. I did get in touch with a lady who I had hypnotherapy with in the past, and she agreed that we have to get to the bottom of this once and for all together.
I cannot believe that I could not get on that plane yesterday. My motto has always been, feel the fear but do it anyway, but this time, I just could not do it.
Gutted, exhausted and drained.
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