Existential fears of death

[ErinKC]

Hello all. Looking for a bit of advice, thoughts, etc. Recently, I’ve been increasingly plagued with a general sadness/fear of death. Now, I have health anxiety, so I’m not stranger to fearing death by some particular ailment at any given time (though I’m doing well with that at present), but this is different.

I find myself getting waves of deep emotional sadness and fear about just the general idea of death. I’m 40, so it’s probably some midlife crisis, and I’m about to embark on a new career, so life-wise there is a lot of upheaval and anticipation. I suspect some of it is related to that.

I also think some of it is related to the relentless persistence of Covid and fears around the long term health consequences. I’ve had it twice, despite my very best efforts, and after the second time I’ve had a few lingering symptoms. I have a strong fear of getting it a third time and what that would mean for my current and future health. My family is planning a trip to Disney next month when I finish the bar exam and yesterday I found myself worrying about getting Covid h there, thinking about all the rides that are indoors and all the crowds. This led me to a general feeling of sadness that life would never be like it was before. I kept thinking back to all the things I did before Covid without a care in the world and that now everything comes with this asterisk now. It’s always there in the background making things just a little bit less safe or less carefree. I feel sad for me, but also for my daughter whose whole life has basically been in this post-Covid world.

It’s not that I’m consumed by this or that I’m not out there living life, but sometimes the low hum of these thoughts turns itself up more than other times and it smacks me in the face.

As I’m sure this is a common anxiety theme (the death stuff - the Covid stuff took me a bit off the rails here but I’m sure that’s not uncommon either), I wanted to see how others have dealt with this and gotten past it. Obviously, trying not to think about it and accepting everyone dies is the straight forward approach, ha. But with the anxiety mind that’s not always the easiest!

[Carnation]

I think your thoughts are very common Erin.
Should this be affecting you at the age of 40?probably not. But the media do a good job of scaring the pants off a lot of people of any age.
Try to avoid news, adverts, news feeds. They are all triggers.
Also there is sometimes a thought when life is going better, as if it's all going to be taken away from you.
It's almost good life is too good to be true.
In reality there is good and bad and when it is good, lap it up with both arms.
You can't stop those thoughts but you can carry on with living. I'm sure you are not alone in this and you can count me as one of them.

[ErinKC]

Thanks so much, Carnation. I think you really hit the nail on the head with the fears that creep in when times are good. I'm right on the precipice of such excitement. I finished law school, take the bar in 3 weeks, and then I'll be back working in an office I truly love and gives me tons of work-life balance until August when I start a year long clerkship with an amazing Judge who just called me last week to say that after 30 years he's moved his office from downtown to 5 minutes from my house!

I do really think I have a of a case of the too good to be trues and I keep having intrusive thoughts about something sweeping in and taking it from me. Sometimes that thought is compounded by mom-guilty-driven thoughts that if that were to happen - something terrible happens to me and I can't realize any of these career dreams - that all the time I've spent working towards it and, in doing so, all the time I've not spent with my daughter would have been for nothing and she'd be left with memories of me working through the weekends, missing bedtimes at night to be in class, etc... This is like a whole month of therapy sessions in two paragraphs, haha. But, it's actually really useful to write this out and name the feelings and see how they are clearly my mind turning on me.

[Carnation]

Get those feelings out Erin. It might help with the whisper thoughts. Do you do nightly positive affirmations before you sleep? I highly recommend them. x

[ErinKC]

Get those feelings out Erin. It might help with the whisper thoughts. Do you do nightly positive affirmations before you sleep? I highly recommend them. x

I don't, but I should! I've been thinking a lot about trying to add meditation also. Thanks for listening!

[Carnation]

Your welcome x

[Lencoboy]

I think your thoughts are very common Erin.
Should this be affecting you at the age of 40?probably not. But the media do a good job of scaring the pants off a lot of people of any age.
Try to avoid news, adverts, news feeds. They are all triggers.
Also there is sometimes a thought when life is going better, as if it's all going to be taken away from you.
It's almost good life is too good to be true.
In reality there is good and bad and when it is good, lap it up with both arms.
You can't stop those thoughts but you can carry on with living. I'm sure you are not alone in this and you can count me as one of them.

Very wise words Carnation.