Having a struggle

[jojo2316]

Hello all,

I am having a bit of a struggle at the moment, having been more stable-ish (anxiety is always a background hum for me), for some months. I wonder if it’s partly my age - im 47 - and the fact that hormones are doing weird things and also that .,. Well… im getting old; and lots of people i love are getting even older. And it feels like we are all standing on such unstable ground, and that bad things are just through the next door - if not for me then for someone i love. The result of this kind of thinking is constant fear, constant checking, and sadness. I feel close to tears, and close to melting into a gibbering heap of panic. I feel like ive lost my anchor in a storm, and everything looks very volatile to me (it doesn’t feel absurd to me that yesterday morning i was calling the doctor about a suspicious mole and yesterday evening i was showing symptoms of a brain tumour. It just feels like these are the normal everyday dangers we face!!!)
Anyway. Writing it down has helped a bit. And i love this community so much. You’ve been here for me in my darkest moments- so thank you! Xx

[emmc]

Hello all,

I am having a bit of a struggle at the moment, having been more stable-ish (anxiety is always a background hum for me), for some months. I wonder if it’s partly my age - im 47 - and the fact that hormones are doing weird things and also that .,. Well… im getting old; and lots of people i love are getting even older. And it feels like we are all standing on such unstable ground, and that bad things are just through the next door - if not for me then for someone i love. The result of this kind of thinking is constant fear, constant checking, and sadness. I feel close to tears, and close to melting into a gibbering heap of panic. I feel like ive lost my anchor in a storm, and everything looks very volatile to me (it doesn’t feel absurd to me that yesterday morning i was calling the doctor about a suspicious mole and yesterday evening i was showing symptoms of a brain tumour. It just feels like these are the normal everyday dangers we face!!!)
Anyway. Writing it down has helped a bit. And i love this community so much. You’ve been here for me in my darkest moments- so thank you! Xx

I’m really sorry you’re struggling at the moment.

Although this is about health anxiety I guess it is kind of the same, but I read something the other day that anticipating grief is just prolonging the sadness. Obviously it’s easier said than done and i hope you find some relief soon!

[jojo2316]

Thank you so much for the reply. And i could spend a lifetime anticipating grief couldn’t I??

[ErinKC]

I relate to this so much! I posted in the general anxiety page about it. There I focused a lot on Covid fears and sadness, but there’s also a lot of what you’re saying to it. I’m 40, but already friends of mine are getting diagnosed with things and I can feel my own body become more vulnerable. It’s something I guess we just need to accept obviously, but it’s a difficult transition as we age.

[jojo2316]

It IS difficult isn’t it?! Although obviously from my perspective you have yeeeaaaarrss before you need to worry. But it feels like bullets are flying in all directions as you age. And obviously my parents are really quite old now, and although they have lucked out health-wise that can’t carry on… The thought of the future makes me feel sad these days- unlike when i was 18 and the years ahead were anticipated with excitement!
Did covid scare you a lot?

[ErinKC]

I’ve had so many ups and downs with Covid. I was really intense during lockdown and my family didn’t get Covid until 2022, soon after we really started loosening up. After that I actually stopped worrying about it because we were all fine and I felt good about having the added immunity. Then I got it a second time in May 2023. While it was more mild during, I’ve had some lingering issues since. Nothing debilitating, but on and off dizziness and POTS symptoms. I also had routine bloodwork that showed high vascular inflammation. So the idea that it could cause long term damage started to scare me and with that this looming sense of doom that it will just always be around making life just a bit scarier. We’re going to Disney World next month and it was just making me sad to have to also worry about Covid in the crowds.

I also agree about the parents. My father in law died of cancer a few years ago and my mother in law had breast cancer in the past years. She’s gotten through it like a champ, but it’s upsetting. My brother in law was just diagnosed with a heart issue at 42 (he’s a firefighter so there’s prob some connection), my college roommate has cancer, etc. If I dwell on these things it’s all very unpleasant!

I’m also starting a new career this year and so I have that excitement like an 18 year old, but then I remember I’m not 18 and my mortality kicks in when I think of the years left to practice the new career. It’s all so doom and gloom and not constant at all, but I will get waves of these feelings hit me now and then and being tears to my eyes!

[jojo2316]

Starting a new career! That really is something to be excited about….! What will you be doing?

[Scass]

Aww Jojo, sorry you’re going through it.
It’s a new year, the news has been so sad for months, people are miserable. No wonder the anxiety creeps in.

Keep on looking after yourself, you’re very self aware of how to help yourself, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t creep up on you xx

[ErinKC]

Starting a new career! That really is something to be excited about….! What will you be doing?

I'm becoming an attorney! I take the bar exam two weeks from today (my palms just started sweating).

One thing that does help me is to look at the older people around me. Being in school the last few years I'm surrounded by 25 year olds, which sometimes makes me feel young, but also reminds me of my age. When I feel like 40 is old, I look at my mom who is 70. She also has struggled with health anxiety her whole life (not so glad to have inherited this from her!), and no matter what worried she'd had over the many decades she's still here - alive and kicking! And I look at others around me. My neighbor is 66 and still gets up and goes to the gym every morning, she just retired last year and has written two novels, etc... I also try to remember that every generation has lived through hard and often really terrible times and instead of feeling sorry for myself I should be appreciative of what I do have etc... All easier said some days, but not bad to do these affirmations from time to time!

[jojo2316]

Aww Jojo, sorry you’re going through it.
It’s a new year, the news has been so sad for months, people are miserable. No wonder the anxiety creeps in.

Keep on looking after yourself, you’re very self aware of how to help yourself, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t creep up on you xx

Thank you so much scass - it is really lovely to hear from you. Are you doing OK?