Feel like there's no hope for me anymore

[BlueEeyes]

Hi all,
I'm really struggling at the moment with HA I posted about what I'm going through recently and I am really worried that there is no hope for me.

I've dealt with bouts of HA and depression for over 20 years now and it's not been fun to say the least!
Over the years I have been on different medications namely fluoxetine, then venlafaxine (was well for around 8 years on this so slowly weaned off then became unwell around a year later so was put back on but at a much higher dose than I'd ever been on which sent me to crisis point) was switched to escitalopram and Clonazapam was added at that time. I had a few more bouts over the years and my AD was increased but the Clonazapam pooped out (was never told to take on an as needed basis and increasing did nothing, have since reduced from 3mg to 0.5mg) Following another bout I was changed over back to venlafaxine as it had previously worked well however that was around 4 years ago, since then I have never got back to how I was in between bouts, it's sort of like a constant low grade depression, I get zero fun out of life anymore, I've become a shell of the person I used to be. I have absolutely no motivation what so ever, I feel very numb to everything, I feel like I'm lost and don't know who I am. I get very restless and aggravated so easily and have no patience. I'm not interested in seeing friends and have to push myself to see family. I have a constant feeling of "what's the point" I dread my future and see nothing but pain ahead.
I spoke to my GP around 3 months ago about this and asked if I could change my AD so have moved slowly from Venlafaxine to Vortioxetine, I was just about done moving over when I went in to another bout of HA which is where I am now.

I am also in therapy weekly and I am on my 3rd week of seeing her.

I'm just so afraid that the meds don't help me anymore at all and that maybe they are making me worse?
I'm very aware that they are only going to help so much and that I also need to put the work in to help myself but I feel like they are doing absolute nothing because I used to get a slight relief which would then enable me to work on myself but not only have I not got that but I have become depressed in between bouts.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Maybe has some advice?

Many thanks

[jojo2316]

I think lots of us here are in a similar situation. Have you tried CBT? I personally think there is no cure for HA, but that doesn’t mean there is no hope. It goes in peaks and troughs and is interspersed with periods of relief. And also you can learn coping strategies

[BlueEeyes]

Hi Jojo, Thank you for your reply, I have tried CBT in the past but I have to be honest and say that I didn't put as much work in as I should have done, I guess I kind of thought it wouldn't help me. I am in therapy now and see her once a week, Thursday will be our 4th session and she will be doing CBT with me at some point.

I know I will always need to work on myself and will probably always have HA but the hardest thing is that in between bouts I'm not able to enjoy life even close to how I used to because I just feel like I'm slightly constantly depressed. This has only been this way for around the past 4 years, so I'm hoping and praying that I'm able to get back to how I used to be when I'm not when I was in between a HA spiral if you know what I mean, Thanks again

[Scaredtoo]

I think this is a lifelong disease. The problem with HA is it often comes in cycles. Some are really long and arduous and some are short and quick. Some periods have short durations and others long. You are NOT ALONE. I myself am going through it after a really long period of remission. Now I’m back in it. It’s exhausting me. The older I get (I’m 49 F), the less I feel I can handle it. I don’t know it almost feels like I want to give up. Is that how you feel? Because it almost feels so exhausting to deal with and it is so tiring. After 35 years of doing this (since I was 15), I can tell you I am officially tired. I’m on meds because I know if I ever go off them I’m not going to be okay. You’ve got to keep moving. Keep going. Keep trying. It’s all we can do. Medicine will help but won’t cure. The real help comes from within. In the US, I see a psych doctor not a regular GP and this is instrumental in helping me with this disorder. A GP, at least here in the US, really isn’t suited to manage psych meds. You have to do the work. And even when you do the work you will still fall and you will still stumble and get scared. And that’s okay. Because when you do the work you learn that being tired is okay. And being scared is okay. It sucks. It’s not fun. And yes it’s scary and makes you want to give up at times, but you can do it. But after saying all that, going through episodes as I call them, is hard. It’s scary and it’s a very lonely feeling and I feel you so much. The best advice I can offer from what I’ve learned in therapy etc is to try to find a med and stay with it. Switching meds frequently messes with your serotonin and can really disrupt your dopamine and chemical imbalances within your brain. Try try try to put the work in with CBT because it will make a difference I promise. Stick with counseling. It will help. Journal your thoughts and feelings. If you are religious, lean on your faith and allow that to lead you, and lastly, just know you’re not alone. I’m hoping you get some relief here soon.

[BlueEeyes]

Hi scaredtoo,
Thank you so much for your message.
I took have dealt with this since the age of 15, My Dad passed unexpectedly in a freak accident at only 44! Although thinking back I was an anxious child but nothing like I am now. Over the first 10 years I learned to no longer fear "normal" bodily sensations that if I paid attention to would then become scary and much worse due to anxiety. There was a time that I wouldn't leave my house at all for months constantly checking my heart rate, breathing ect. I'd body check all the time and Google too 😳
Over time I learnt what symptoms were just anxiety, I've come a long way since then.
My issue now is dealing with real health symptoms or if a new anxiety symptom occurs like globus for example, the first time I experienced that was 4 years ago I'd never experienced it before then so it sent me spiralling but I learnt it was due to my anxiety. I do unfortunately get it every time I am going through a bout now but it's not as scary just very frustrating! I totally agree about GPs not being the right Dr when it comes to mental health however here in the UK we are VERY lucky if we get to see a psych, I have seen one a couple of times in previous years but it's rare and there is no option to see one regularly unless we pay privately which is very expensive. I am now paying for my own therapist though because the NHS only offer short term therapy with counsellors ect. And I feel that I need long term possibly life long therapy. I have decided that if after some time that I need something more than counselling then I will just have to pay for a psych doc.
I'm definitely aware that I will probably always have HA to some degree which definitely sucks but after reading many stories on here of people that have learnt how to cope and manage better I pray that I took am able to get to that point.

The hardest thing is the fact that in between bouts I used to be a lot happier and used to be able to enjoy life to some degree but it seems the last 3 or 4 years that I'm unable to. It's a bit like if you imagine all of the feelings you get when going through a bout but without the anxiety itself. I can only pray that with work, possibly the right meds and the work of God that I am able to get back there.

I'm sorry you are going through a tough time too and as lonely as you feel you are not alone. This too shall pass and I pray that you also get to a point that you are able to cope a lot better when HA rears it's ugly head!
Sending huge hugs your way 🤗

[smogie]

Gosh blue eyes I could have written your post word for word myself! I’ve been anxious for a long time but it can and went and was able to enjoy good times and look forward to things over the last few years though it’s just got worse and worse I had some health issues last year which sent me to a really bad place these issues are now resolved but the relief just st hasn’t happened I don’t even think about that particular issue but am filled with fear about getting cancer or a heart attack or stroke anything really like you said in between episodes I could live a fairly “normal” life but this time it’s just not happening and I’m feeling quite depressed as well as anxious it really is a horrible thing to have hope you get some relief soon xx

[BlueEeyes]

Hi smogie, Thanks for you're reply, sorry you too are going through it 😔
I hope and pray that this is a blip, maybe due to medication not being quite right or something.
I am going to try everything I possibly can to try and get back to how things used to be I HAVE to fight. Thank God my anxiety is nowhere near as bad in between bouts I'm so truly grateful for that but I still worry A LOT, the low mood, numbness and lack of motivation ect is the hardest thing for me though because even though I still try to live my life as normal as possible I rarely ever really enjoy it 😔

I hope and pray for a positive change for both of us as well as anyone else going through this very soon xx

[smogie]

Can I ask how long this blip is lasting for you this time for me it’s taking a long time to climb out of it but yes we have to keep on keeping on x

[BlueEeyes]

Sure, well I initially went through my first recent bout/blip for around 4-6 weeks then finally have in and went to see my GP had a couple of tests which came back fine which really put my mind at rest and I started to recover. I had around a week of that then a new scary symptom came along and sent me back down again, it's been around 3 weeks since then. I think I have to bite the bullet and go back to my GP but I'm scared she will want to do some very invasive tests which the process of having them done fills me with fear along with the waiting time which I feel will leave me in limbo until the time comes. As I'm sure you're aware waiting times have never been as bad as they are right now 😏
So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place either way I look at it.
Whatever happens something will have to change one way or another x

[smogie]

Sorry I’ve been absent from the site how are you doing x