Mum

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi guys,

As some of you know, my mum has been very ill for a little over a month now.

She managed to battle her way out of the last infection and was discharged on Wednesday afternoon. Later that night she was struggling breathing and taken to A&E.

Before she was seen she suffered a seizure in my arms when I got up there which was a horrible experience leaving dad very upset. Once they had dealt with this she was quickly assessed to find she had hospital acquired pneumonia and possibly another infection. A senior doctor told me to make any calls to family quickly as she was very ill.

So my brother legged it down from Yorkshire overnight to be with her.

From the assessment they decided to keep giving oxygen, nebuliser treatment and antibiotics. We were then transferred to a respiratory ward as the doctors believed we needed oxygen at home despite her discharge previously not requiring it.

Very sadly the consultant has seen us today and advised antibiotics aren't doing much and mum is just too frail to keep fighting these infections off. So we had to decide whether to keep her in hospital, and move a bed into her room, or take her home. She wants to go home so that's what we are doing.

The doctor can't really say what time she has but he believes it is likely very short. She is medically ok to leave and we are just hoping the processes to move her to palliative care, and transport, won't mean that changes and we can't get her back.

I'm thankful my brother was here for this to help with dad as well as spend time with mum. We were up all night so he stayed at ours. It was an exhausting 24hrs in many ways. I just hope he can see her again yet as due to work he has had to go home ready for work and can't come back for 4 days. But realistically we know there is a chance that she will pass before this.

The doctor reassured us she won't be in pain, will have oxygen support and he believes she will likely just slip away. We are all praying that is the case and she can pass peacefully in her own home with us around her.

Naturally dad is in pieces. We knew it was getting near but hoped for more time at home first. I was hoping we could get her out in the garden for a last time but it's very unlikely now.

I'm keeping things together by getting on with things and keeping mum happy with the small things like applying cream to her legs and having a laugh. I showed her some pictures of our deceased dog which she enjoyed. But it hits me when I do things like this post and sometimes seeing her so vulnerable.

I thought it best to let you know as I've received a lot of very much appreciated support from some of you guys on here. It's hard to even type this but I wanted you to know.

All the best and thank you.


Terry

[BlueIris]

I'm so very sorry, Terry.

[Darksky]

What a very sad time for you Terry. I’m glad you have bought her home, although it’s going to be a very emotional time for you. However, she wanted to come home and you have granted her that wish.

All you can do is roll with your emotions. Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. Open her curtains wide and let her see the world. Bring her spring flowers for her room. Play her music that she likes. Talk as best you can about the past. I find it’s where they live. It’s where they are happiest.

Give your Dad a big hug from me and one for your mum as well.
If ever you want to talk, you know where I am.
Thinking of you and all your family.
xxxxxxx

[fishman65]

Terry, this is an incredibly moving post and from someone who has given much to many on this site. There won't be many life situations any more distressing than the one in which you find yourself.

Losing a loved one is something that defines us for the rest of our own lives. Know that being there for your Mum, talking to her, holding her, that's all we can really do isn't it. And she will know that at the end, that she has been loved.

Of course your Dad is going to be bereft, after many years of loving and living together, it will feel like a different universe for him. I can't imagine it, none can until we have lived it. All you can do is be there to listen, to talk about your Mum and his wife. That keeps her alive in your hearts. But all of us here on NMP will be listening too, OK mate? That's a certainty.

All the best buddy and keep on posting.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm so very sorry, Terry.

Thanks Blue, that means a lot and thank you for taking the time for me.

[Carnation]

I've private messaged you Terry.

[MyNameIsTerry]

What a very sad time for you Terry. I’m glad you have bought her home, although it’s going to be a very emotional time for you. However, she wanted to come home and you have granted her that wish.

All you can do is roll with your emotions. Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. Open her curtains wide and let her see the world. Bring her spring flowers for her room. Play her music that she likes. Talk as best you can about the past. I find it’s where they live. It’s where they are happiest.

Give your Dad a big hug from me and one for your mum as well.
If ever you want to talk, you know where I am.
Thinking of you and all your family.
xxxxxxx

Thanks Darksky, that's very kind of you. I really appreciate the offer too.

Nothing ever prepares you for this even if we knew it was getting close.

When she comes back she can see through the front window so hopefully she will get to see some birds, maybe the robin we always have. We can get some DVDs she likes and watch them together. The music is a good idea. She used to like Elton John and they have old records. ABBA was something they used to listen to.

She is doing well today. Plenty of drinking and even asked for bacon so she had a sub as there is a 24hr Subway here.

I'll give them a big hug for you.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I've private messaged you Terry.

Got it thanks, Carn. I'll message you back soon.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Terry, this is an incredibly moving post and from someone who has given much to many on this site. There won't be many life situations any more distressing than the one in which you find yourself.

Losing a loved one is something that defines us for the rest of our own lives. Know that being there for your Mum, talking to her, holding her, that's all we can really do isn't it. And she will know that at the end, that she has been loved.

Of course your Dad is going to be bereft, after many years of loving and living together, it will feel like a different universe for him. I can't imagine it, none can until we have lived it. All you can do is be there to listen, to talk about your Mum and his wife. That keeps her alive in your hearts. But all of us here on NMP will be listening too, OK mate? That's a certainty.

All the best buddy and keep on posting.

Thanks fishman, you've been through this very recently and it must be still very raw. So I really appreciate your kind words and insights.

You are absolutely right and this is incredibly hard. But everything has to be for and about mum now. I couldn't live with not doing as much as I can. Our concern was whether we could do what she needs to keep her pain free and breathing well. The consultant had no concerns with the palliative team involved. If it is best to be in hospital then its what's best for mum but otherwise we want her where she is most comfortable and the consultant agreed. If we had the opportunity and didn't get her home we would be failing her so dad is firm on this. Whatever I have to see is secondary to what mum needs from me and I've always told my brother this when he asked if we could cope watching her pass. I certainly don't want her passing on her own in hospital.

I know you will understand that because you did everything you could for your dad. Just the little things can be the most important when quality of life is low. Simple things like holding hands.

Mine have been married 60 years so this is absolutely massive for dad and it may take a very heavy toll on his remaining years. I don't know how he feels but it is such a massive change, a part of himself is going to leave with her.

[jojo2316]

I am so sorry Terry. I will be thinking of you over the coming days.