I just need to vent/whine/panic

[.Poppy.]

I’m having a rough day and I just need to kind of scream into the void.

Several months ago, my boss approached me about a job opening that he thought I’d be a good fit for. It became apparent that I would need to do some things to apply, like send in my resume and whatnot, but it’s actually an open call and I’ll be up against other applicants.

There are things I would need to learn, but I really think I can do this and do it well. I already do some of it anyway. But all I can think is that I’m going to pale in comparison to the other applicants and I’m going to lose out. I’m going to have to move out of my little office and give it up to the new person. It’s all going to be so disappointing and embarrassing.

I really want/need this to work out - I don’t really have any other career trajectory and frankly I need a bump in pay especially as my pets are seniors now and their vet costs are rising. I’ve felt kind of low recently anyway and I’m terrified this is just going to be another setback, another thing to make me feel kind of bad about myself.

Anyway, just needed to vent. I can’t really talk about this to anyone in person as I find the whole thing kind of embarrassing.

[BlueIris]

You've got this, I promise!

[Catkins]

You can do this Poppy!

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, I sure hope so!

I plan to apply next week, so I’m trying not to let it dampen my weekend. I have to get references together and that’s kind of scary, but I can’t imagine that any of the people I’m thinking about would refuse to serve as a reference.

I do feel in a lot of ways I’m a really strong candidate, and my workplace has a history of hiring people who they know will be a good fit culturally and training them up. I’m just worried some other amazing candidate will end up applying. And the the stakes are a lot higher than just being disappointed. So that’s scary.

But, one thing at a time I guess. I’ll never know unless I try, and what will be will be.

[fishman65]

Poppy, what I would say is just be yourself and that will be enough. I've always admired your steely determination, it will carry you through

[Carnation]

Poppy, your boss wouldn't have suggested it unless he thought you were in the running for the position. Have faith x

[.Poppy.]

Thanks fishman and Carnation. I guess there's nothing more to do than throw my hat into the ring and see if it sticks. I'm trying not to "what if" what will happen if I don't get it. I guess I'll figure something else out. I think it's just hard feeling sort of stuck and not sure what the path "out" looks like.

I'm going to try to get my cat an appointment at the vet's tomorrow (another stressor I'm trying to take day by day). I'm hopeful they'll have an afternoon appointment, as then I could take the afternoon off and finish up my cover letter and contact my references, so that hopefully I can get my application in on Tuesday and...just wait.

I had a good weekend though. Lots of time outside, walking my dog and listening to the birds. It's nice to be able to get out a little.

[Sparkling_Fairy]

Oh such classic imposter syndrome!
I got promoted to manager a few years ago and for months I felt like the kid sitting at the grown ups table, and that they all thought I was a fraud and wondered how I got the job!
One of them off the cuff told me a few months later that he so felt I deserved that promotion and that I built such a great brand for myself and everyone was really pleased for me.
Goes to show we just never believe in ourselves, and think other people see us as far less than they do.

Your manager clearly thinks you're up for it! I bet dollars to donuts you are amazing at your job and just don't believe it yourself!

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, Sparkling_Fairy. I definitely relate to the imposter syndrome. I know I'm really good at my job, and I'm confident I could be good at most aspects of the new job, but I won't lie there is a lot of "could I be good enough for this?" that creeps in.

I woke up this morning with probably the worst anxiety I've had in awhile. Very nearly had a panic attack. But bit by bit I put myself together and went into work. I asked my list of people if they would be references and 2/3 have said yes (and I anticipate #3 will also agree). So that's awesome! I'm planning on finishing my resume and cover letter tonight to apply formally tomorrow.

I have such nice periods where I feel totally calm, interspersed with the anxiety. But that's the nature of the beast I guess. It helps to post here a little bit too, just to get it out, so thank you to all of you lovely people who are willing to read my babble.

I also took my cat to the vet this afternoon and got some steroids and some cream to try. The vet said there were a few different things she thought it could be, but none at this point were serious, which is good. She thinks he may have allergies since his ears are itchy too. It was a relief to not just get bad news.

[.Poppy.]

Well, I think I'll find out this week if they plan to offer me an interview. I'm hoping they'll at least offer me a pity interview, but I'm not sure. My stress has been really high, but I've hit the point several times where I'm just numb to it and shove the thoughts out of my mind. It's a coping mechanism, even though not a very good one.

I did get outside quite a bit today, which was nice.