Please help

[BlueIris]

I cannot recall the last time the urge to self harm was so strong. What sort of a monster must I be if my own family want nothing of me, even my own mother?

I don't deserve to exist.

[JHR]

That is simply not true Blue...you have helped me no end in the last three weeks...try and remember those who care matter and you are definitely worth it my friend

[BlueIris]

My siblings aren't keeping me informed about my mother, they're ignoring my texts and my mother herself wants nothing of me. Note: it's not the dementia, she was always like this, zero interest in me after I stopped being a child prodigy. The only difference is that she's open about her ambivalence towards me now.

I've tried so hard through the years of abuse and I'm her only blood relative on this continent, but I really kind of want to walk away from all of them so that I can let myself heal.

[Carnation]

Oh hun
My suggestion is to NOT do anymore contacting over the weekend. Don't even look at their Facebook page, nothing! You are not in right place for this charade.
It was only Wednesday when you attended your father's funeral, you've been working like a dog the last two days.
You NEED this weekend to be just with hubby.
What you can do is write a letter to your mum about how you feel but don't post it. Put it away in a box.
You'll no doubt cry when you do this but you need that release. Come on here as much as you need to. x

[BlueIris]

Thanks, Carnation. I'm going to pull right back from them; I know so many lovely people that I don't need them. If Mum's being looked after then I'm free to disengage.

[Carnation]

The passing of your father has stirred up past emotions. It's not your life now. You are a very together, strong and caring person who has a wonderful hubby and lots of friends. You are not in a position to travel up and down to spend time in a situation which is upsetting and could turn hostile. You reached out a hand to reconcile a relationship and it's not needed. You've done your bit, so don't push something that is clearly not needed. There's plenty of other people that would be in awe of your generosity and time. Your wellbeing should be your first priority for now. x

[BlueIris]

Thank you, that really helps.

Luckily, I'm apparently incredibly shallow. Some friends of ours are getting married at Warwick Castle within a couple of days of our anniversary. Pete's booked us a 2 night stay in Warwick in a 300-year-old four poster bed.

I don't think I can stay miserable under the circumstances.

[Carnation]

That sounds lovely BlueIris, hold on to that thought if you feel yourself slipping x

[Pkstracy]

Blue I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, if walking away will help you then do so. I had to walk away and cut family off,it's done my mental health a world of good. Enjoy your weekend at the place your hubs booked. Sending you all kinds of hugs.

[LittleLionMan]

Mate, we would were talking about this the other week, and remember how balanced we discussed it, the complexities of families and how it often says more about the other person / people and the situation than it does about us?
Don’t let anxiety turn it all on you and point the finger at you, as it’s just chatting bullsh*t. Also, the mind of someone struggling with dementia isn’t something to be reading too much into. I know she’s always been off, but don’t take behaviour now as a sign of anything.

You’ve handled all this brilliantly and done everything that has been asked of you no matter how tough it’s got.
This is a ‘head held high’ time, not a self loathing time.