It's very sad reading this post wired.
Pleasd don't hesitate to contact the crisis team if you think your life is in danger. I can understand why you don't want to go down that road again but think of your boy and the people that love you.
Who knows why some people get rich and others don't. I've worked hard all of my life and have less than someone who has floated through life on a whim.
I can hear your disappointment and I think you need to dig deep with your faith. Build on some routine where you using your time to replenish your body and mind. Set some manageable tasks.
You've been through a lot this year and through life. Positives can come, you are still very young, anything can happen.