My Current Worry

[.Poppy.]

I agree, that was very brave JHR.

It’s a fairly similar story to mine - I’ve had anxiety for a long time, but several years ago it came to a head (along with a bit of depression). After speaking to a handful of counselors, I finally saw one who was really helpful and encouraged me to talk to my doctor. He saw I was struggling and immediately jumped into action - prescribed meds, followed up, got me a referral to a psychiatrist. I don’t take meds anymore but at the time they were amazing and got me back into gear and on a better path. Anxiety is still a thing for me, as is depression and OCD, but so far not at the level I was then and I’m better able to cope with it.

Just be aware that anxiety can increase when staring meds before tapering off. But it often does get better and your doctor can advise you.

[Catkins]

Over the last 3 1/2 years I've found this site invaluable. I was in a terrible state when I first joined and was really struggling. The advice and support on here has pulled me through some tough times and I know I'll never be completely anxiety free and no doubt at some point I'll have really tough times with it again.

Does my husband comment on me using the site? No, but I don't actually tell him. It works for me

[Catkins]

P.s I'm on paroxetine and it really helps me. Long time user with no intention of coming off.

[JHR]

P.s I'm on paroxetine and it really helps me. Long time user with no intention of coming off.

Thank you Catkins this helps no end.....feeling a bit crappy right now and I've only had one pill but I'm guessing 4 nights with very little sleep is part of that. OH asked about the forum today cos he thought it was a diagnosing site, which of course would be lethal for me, he was quite impressed. I've found the help so far invaluable. Think at times of high anxiety the reassurance helps but I'm fully aware in can be unhealthy too but my aim is to get where you guys are, living with it but living, at the moment I'm not living

[YoullNeverWalkAlone]

Hi JHR....

Give the medication time to work, sometimes this can take a while but if it works then it's worth the wait.
Definitely little sleep won't help with the anxiety or the symptoms...
Oh god if this was a diagnosing sit, I'd have been long gone by now as like you I too suffer from HA so couldn't cope with that....
I think everyone needs a little reassurance from time to time, whether you have anxiety or not, whether your young or old, male or female but the key is don't be reassurance seeking all the time, that's unhealthy and often it backfires on you especially if your googling.
I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for many, many years and been in your position that many times I lost count years ago, still suffer now but I live with it and do the best I can with the knowledge and help off other suffers to just get on with things.
HA and fear of dying must be the hardest fear there is to conquer as you can't face your fears but from what I've read of your posts you are doing brilliantly JHR, your doing and saying all the right things and should be proud of yourself of the things you do achieve, of course you'll have your set backs, we all do but it's how you deal with those setbacks which matters, if you deal with them in the right way, with true acceptance of what it actually is and not total fear and what ifs then the anxiety and panics will subside quicker, don't let the anxiety bully you into thinking all different scenarios.
Take your medication and carry on like your doing and you'll get to a better place...
Lots of love and sending you a big hug xxxx

[Carnation]

Some good advice from poppy, catkins and YNWA.
It takes courage to expressionless your feelings, even more so to go to your GP and ask for help.
We've probably all been there at some point.
How are you feeling this morning JHR?

[JHR]

YNWA that has made me weep (weepier than ever at the moment). I don't feel proud right now I feel like I've let my family down but I really have found solace here. Carnation has been brilliant ( hope her head doesn't get too big, but she really has) and my ultimate goal is to furnish my tool box with more coping tools. Biggest problem I have is I distract quite well but tend to distract with chores, that shall we say are more blue jobs than pink, and I'm left with physical aches and pains that of course start the HA spiral and do it goes until I hit tornado status. I've learnt o here without anyone actually saying it that I'm not God and therefore can't cure everyone's ailments so I've pulled right back from the two uncle's. It was quite amusing at this Docs appointment I said I couldn't be wiped out with medication cos I've got 20 of my OH's family to cook for. Young doc three her arms in the air and said "what, no wonder you're nearing mental breakdown" asked OH if he helped he replied I try but I can't cook so she told him to get one of his sisters who can to come over earlier and help with the hard bits. He did this last night so at least he took on board what the doc said
Just taken tablet 2 and right now I'm able to type but ery little else but she told me to take periton at night to make me drowsy glad to say I slept right through but by God do I feel naff. Sticking with it though.
Still hoping everyone else has a reasonably peaceful day

[Carnation]

You might feel a little hungover but remember you had a very emotional day yesterday.
I remember crying every day, sometimes all day long, then made the mistake of looking in the mirror and cried some more because I looked so dreadful.
And still the outside world would carry on not taking a blind bit of notice of how you are feeling.
The chores would still be there, the family demands, even making dinner became too much. I didn't care about any of it because I was not myself, felt like I'd lost control, was a prisoner of my body and brain. Every function of my body was magnetised. I couldn't even bear to hear the tap running. My body ached or I felt pain or vibrations including parts of my face with my eyes twitching and my head crawling. I know the bottom end of this condition and something had to give.
I stopped all my duties and chores. I would lay on the bed scrolling for help on the Internet, looking up therapists and trying to decide whether I liked the person's face. I took the plunge and made an appointment (private) because the NHS had a waiting list far too long for someone desperate. I contacted The Samaritans and poured my heart out and cried in between while the lady was sympathetic and listening to me go on and on.
It wasn't enough and scrolled some more on her Internet and there it was, NMP. I started to read the threads and a glimmer of hope came over me. I realised there were other people feeling /suffering just like me. I spent a lot of time reading until I took up the courage to join and post myself. The rest was history. It took a long time for me to feel like my old self again. My sleep was terrible. I was still very emotional. Exhausted. Helpless. I knew I had to change my life, the chores, the responsibilities, saying 'No'. My diet had been poor for years, grabbing a McDonalds, a chocolate bars, not eating breakfast for several decades, drinking wine when I was stressed, coffee if I was tired. My brain was telling me enough is enough.
JHR, nothing will change if you don't change your lifestyle. And the benefits come slowly but we'll worth the wait L. I wouldn't want my old life back now and I'm still learning with this new one. If I'm tired, I'll take time out. I'll cancel it I think I'm over stretching myself. I still have a duvet day from time to time. I stop to look, listen and breath when I'm in natural surroundings. I won't watch anything on the TV that could scare me or aggravate me. I listen to lots of music. I treat myself. I insist on 'Me time'. I hold my heart and breath reminding myself I am alive and very thankful.
If my tummy feels off, I sit quietly, eat a little something and wait for it to pass, because it always does.
I've learnt to be the mother of my inner child and younger self that struggled so much and lived through so much trauma and say words like "you're gonna be OK, you're a survivor". And we are survivors. Everyone on this thread is a survivor. Remember that.

[JHR]

Carn

[YoullNeverWalkAlone]

Hi JHR...
I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry but I meant what I said, you are doing really well, may not feel like it at the moment but you will 100% come through this bad patch and you have definitely NOT let anyone down, you have a metal illness through no fault of your own and is no different from a physical illness, which you wouldn't feel like you'd let people down if say you'd broke your arm or developed diabetes etc..
So what different about a metal illness.....nothing....

I understand the distraction with chores and I understand the aches, pains and rest of anxiety symptoms that come afterwards and you know why....it's because your trying to distract yourself by doing things but what you do your not doing it willingly, your running away from your feelings, symptoms, in other words your trying to run away from yourself and that's impossible, so whilst your clearing the loft or humping boxes from one place to another your body is doing it under pressure and not because you want to do it and are relaxed doing it, hence all the aches and pains, higher anxiety etc etc..
Your body is running on adrenaline constantly and whilst you are whizzing round like a blue bottle your depleting all your energy much quicker and your not giving it time to build up again.....

Carnation as said some wise things and I totally agree with what she's said.....Take time out for yourself, say NO more often, especially if you don't want to do something, don't push too hard, but don't be too soft on yourself either and become a slob...

You will get through this and try not to worry if one day you don't feel particularly anxious but are still getting the symptoms, that is perfectly normal, the symptoms can take a long time to go, just try to truly accept them as part of anxiety and try not to fear them.

I'm not particularly anxious today but boy my head feels like I've drank a crate of beer and trying to walk on a moving boat at the same time, but I know it's all anxiety related, maybe not from today but from yesterday or the day before or even last week....

We are here for you JHR.... remember You'll Never Walk Alone xxxxx