Hi everyone, good afternoon. My name is John, I’m 31 and from Northern Ireland.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my adult life, including phases of intense panic attacks. My anxiety is mostly health-related, and one of the biggest triggers has been ongoing issues with my throat and digestive system.
I suffer from oesophageal dysmotility and have difficulty eating. For the last 8 years, on and off, I’ve felt like there’s something stuck in my throat – always in the same spot, just to the left of my Adam’s apple. This sensation comes and goes, but it's deeply distressing.
Back in 2017, things got worse. I developed stomach problems including an ulcer, GERD, and a sliding hiatal hernia. I was even inhaling my own stomach acid. After two weeks of barely being able to eat, I ended up in hospital where they did an emergency endoscopy and diagnosed me. I was discharged once the symptoms eased, with "dysphagia" added to the list.
From there, my anxiety began to focus more on my breathing. Eating became a real challenge. I kept trying, but the “stuck” feeling would often return, especially with things like Ensure (nutritional shakes). A barium swallow test in 2020 confirmed the oesophageal dysmotility, but I've been left waiting ever since for the NHS to do anything further. For a while, I relied solely on Ensure to survive.
But everything changed in November 2024.
My carer, who’s also my childhood best friend, encouraged me to try eating solid food again. And I did – for the first time in 5 or 6 years. I had beans, then branched out to foods like zingy chicken chunks, super noodles, cheese, mac & cheese, chicken pakora, and more. I felt alive again. My go-to became a chippy order of chips, cheese, and chicken gravy. Even if the “stuck” feeling came back, I could usually brush it off and keep eating. It wasn’t stopping me anymore.
But then, in mid-May this year, things took a turn.
I had my usual chippy order, but from a different place. That familiar “stuck” sensation hit – hard. This triggered a full-blown panic attack. My throat felt like it was getting tighter and tighter. I had to urgently call my carer to come over. During the attack, I begged him to take me to hospital. He agreed, but reminded me that the last time this happened, A&E didn’t help at all – they just left me to sit there having panic attacks. And he was right. The NHS has been truly unhelpful in this area. At that moment, I honestly just wanted someone to knock me out – to make it stop. A freezing cold shower over my head was the only thing that gave some relief.
Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed by frequent panic attacks. Today, I called my doctor in tears, begging him to help me. His only advice was to increase my dose of propranolol. I’m at my breaking point.
Something needs to change.
I would love to go back to living a normal life, I would love to convince myself everything is okay. I hate the suicidal thoughts. I hate the negative mindset. I hate life. Having 3-4 panic attacks a day, being bedridden in fear and being continually in a state anxious is no way to live.
I can only hope.
Thank you for reading, much respect to anyone dealing with anxiety/panic disorder, you guys are warriors.
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