Open thread about worry

[Pearly queen]

Trigger warning: talk about cancer


So I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but the last week or so I've been thinking about how we all deal with the stress of health anxiety. I never had health anxiety until about 10 years ago. I have now concluded at the age of 56 that it came from peri/menopause. I still have health anxiety but maybe not to same intensity. It's strange because this last year I've had an actual health concern. I've needed an actual operation and some radiotherapy for high grade DCIS (a type of non invasive breast cancer). The doctor told me it might never have harmed me but had to be treated as breast cancer anyway.
I think the reason I'm not as bad as before is because I've seen first hand the way the NHS works when you really need them.
I'm traumatized by this last year and I fear annual scans but I've realised something. We don't actually have control of what happens to our bodies. I foolishly believed if I ate well, didn't drink or smoke etc that I was immunising myself from ever getting sick. But I couldn't. Something happened to trigger something in my body which I had no control over.
I'm still scared of ever getting really sick but I know some of you out there just don't worry about that and I wonder what make some of us fear the worst and some just don't think about it.
As much as I'm traumatized, I'm also kind of angry this happened to me. I see people who are fit and well but do nothing to look after their health and in fact do things to actively harm their health. Yet I'm the one who got sick, although I felt fine.
I've also been very let down by some people in my life, I believed would absolutely be there for me. So this is also a bit of a rant.

I have the first of my annual mammograms next week so I'm trying to distract myself with philosophical musings 😂

Thoughts anyone?

[Button1]

This is really interesting and my response might not be but here goes! I’ve never had a proper health concern of my own. Not really. I developed health anxiety completely out of the blue 14 years ago (although I had a very anxious mum and I remember repeatedly being taken for check ups so perhaps it was always coming…) despite never having been ill myself. However a few years ago I did have to have a medical termination due to my unborn child having an illness that was incompatible with life. I was stunned (and completely broken) things like that didn’t happen to people like me. I’d done nothing ‘wrong’, took all my vitamins, exercised, had all the screenings and yet at a late scan here I was, with a very ill baby inside me. You’d think with a history of anxiety this might finish me off but actually I found when faced with a real unavoidable issue I was braver than i thought I could ever be. I coped. It was horrendous don’t get me wrong but I coped. I was sad but not scared even when I was left with issues after the termination that took months to resolve. I got on with it. It didn’t provoke anxiety in me and I didn’t fall apart even though I was crushingly sad. I believe of myself now that if I actually had to face something I’d stand a chance of being ok BUT it’s the uncertainty and what ifs and the waiting and wondering that I find IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. I often think (forgive me for saying this) that I’d almost be relieved if I had an accident or something that forced me to go to hospital for tests and scans. I’d have to be tested and I’d know what was happening in my body. My friend had a strangulated hernia and had to have a CT scan and I was actually jealous 😞 because I all I can think is that there’s something wrong with me, I’m frantically self diagnosing but I can’t bring myself to seek medical help (if I even need it) So that’s where I am. A bit paralysed really. I’m very jealous of those people who get up in the morning and just face the day. At the moment I’m just not one of them x

[Pearly queen]

This is really interesting and my response might not be but here goes! IÂ’ve never had a proper health concern of my own. Not really. I developed health anxiety completely out of the blue 14 years ago (although I had a very anxious mum and I remember repeatedly being taken for check ups so perhaps it was always comingÂ…) despite never having been ill myself. However a few years ago I did have to have a medical termination due to my unborn child having an illness that was incompatible with life. I was stunned (and completely broken) things like that didnÂ’t happen to people like me. IÂ’d done nothing ‘wrongÂ’, took all my vitamins, exercised, had all the screenings and yet at a late scan here I was, with a very ill baby inside me. YouÂ’d think with a history of anxiety this might finish me off but actually I found when faced with a real unavoidable issue I was braver than i thought I could ever be. I coped. It was horrendous donÂ’t get me wrong but I coped. I was sad but not scared even when I was left with issues after the termination that took months to resolve. I got on with it. It didnÂ’t provoke anxiety in me and I didnÂ’t fall apart even though I was crushingly sad. I believe of myself now that if I actually had to face something IÂ’d stand a chance of being ok BUT itÂ’s the uncertainty and what ifs and the waiting and wondering that I find IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. I often think (forgive me for saying this) that IÂ’d almost be relieved if I had an accident or something that forced me to go to hospital for tests and scans. IÂ’d have to be tested and IÂ’d know what was happening in my body. My friend had a strangulated hernia and had to have a CT scan and I was actually jealous 😞 because I all I can think is that thereÂ’s something wrong with me, IÂ’m frantically self diagnosing but I canÂ’t bring myself to seek medical help (if I even need it) So thatÂ’s where I am. A bit paralysed really. IÂ’m very jealous of those people who get up in the morning and just face the day. At the moment IÂ’m just not one of them x

Thank you fur sharing. That is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you had to deal with something like that. I can't imagine your pain.
I know what you mean. I've watched 24 hrs in A&E and get strange comfort from it but find myself thinking, I wish I could be scanned head to toe and be told relatively quickly that I'm ok.
The waiting for my results was by far worse than diagnosis or treatment. It's crazy but I think it's the fear of the unknown and once you know, it's amazing what you cope with because you have to.
I don't have any answers but I suppose we just have to keep trying to become more courageous and believe we are stronger than we know.

[Button1]

I talk about it so willingly because I don’t want anyone in that situation to feel alone or cursed. It isn’t talked about ever so much but sadly these things happen and it’s never anyone’s fault. And it is survivable even though it might not feel that way at the time. You come through it. We were very lucky that we already had a healthy little boy at that point and went on to have another healthy little boy not very long after our loss. I believe I was always meant to have him.

I understand the mindset around the waiting for results feeling almost harder than anything else. That’s how I feel, I can’t even contemplate it. But huge respect for getting through it and coming here to help other people. It’s massive for someone like me to hear from someone who has navigated tests and diagnosis, I can start to almost wrap my head around facing my own fears x

[Pearly queen]

I think we can help each other on this site by sharing our experiences and also being able to look at another person's problem or fear from a rational place. We get so absorbed and lost in our own worry and overthinking spiral that we no longer think clearly. That's when strangers sometimes even more than family or friends can step in and help us gain some perspective.
I'm glad you have 2 healthy little children, it doesn't diminish your loss but children can help heal a broken heart sometimes.

[.Poppy.]

One thing that has (slightly) helped my HA is realizing that I'm not a doctor and medicine isn't always straightforward. For example, my dog has had some real health scares that triggered my HA within the past year. He ended up with an illness that everything on Google says is extremely aggressive and quickly fatal. However, after doing some digging and reading posts from people who had dogs with the same illness, most of them live much longer than Google says and are happy up until the end. He had another issue that, again, Google said is really aggressive but, again, personal stories + the one research study that was done on the disease showed that most dogs live for years and years after diagnosis and most also pass away from something totally unrelated.

So, anytime I'm worried about something I realize that I don't know and even commonly put out medical "knowledge" can be off base from the reality of it. All we can do is take it as it comes and hope for the best.

[NoraB]

I've always had health anxiety. (One of my earliest memories is of feeling, then being sick)

"Mummy, I feel sick"
"No you don't"
Next thing, mum's on her hands and knees scrubbing "carrots" off the carpet, lol

I was always an anxious little girl and the anxiety went orbital when I started school, but I was unable to verbalise any of what was in my head. I always thought there was something majorly wrong with me and anything on TV or in books that was remotely illness related, I would be triggered; sick to my stomach, heart racing, feeling cold and with a feeling that I could never put a name to. Today I'd call it "sense of impending doom" (What I didn't know then was that I was experiencing fight or flight)

Autism blessed me with a reading age beyond my years. (Unfortunately, that meant I could read my mother's massive Readers Digest Medical Dictionary and I pretty much had all those nasty diseases)

To worry and overthink is in my wiring. If worrying was an Olympic sport, I'd be a gold winner! That's why I have to work hard to challenge the way I naturally think..

I did the work several years ago, and it's not that I don't have those irrational thoughts anymore (I always will) it's that I've learned how to challenge them so that they don't take hold and send me back down the rabbit hole. (Just in the same way that I challenge my OCD thoughts)

I hit a bump in the road and my mind tells me I've run someone over..

Where's the proof, Nora?

In the past, I would have got out the car and gone looking for corpses, never quite managing to persuade my brain of what my eyes could see (or not, in this case)

Similarly when it comes to health, I'll ask myself where is the proof of cancer or some other disease that will kill me. (It's always terminal with HA)

It's control, rather than cure. But if this is as good as it gets for me, I'll take it...

I know what behaviours will make things worse. I know what things to do to calm myself down. I know when to ramp up the self-care. (But, it's also ok to cry till the snot runs and my face goes piggy)

Before I go, a little story...

The other day, I was feeling very down. (being in pain all the time will do that) and I asked the universe to send me a sign that I'm going to be ok. (I specifically asked for a robin)

I went for a walk and no robins, not a single one.

Pouting, I thought to myself, "You didn't send me a robin, I guess this means I'm not going to be ok then"

I went for a walk the following day, Same place. Two robins flew past my face. The first robin flew onto a branch. The second one flew to the floor and sat looking at me. This robin looked at me for what felt like forever, then slowly hopped across the path, literally in front of me. (so close I could have bent down and picked him/her up) The first robin followed, then they both stood on the opposite side looking at me. (Then an off leash dog came bounding past and they both flew off to safety)

What's special about this is that I've done that walk hundreds of times, and I have seen the odd robin, but only fleetingly and never as close up as this...

The universe sent me two robins, and I knew then that whatever happens (good or bad) I will be ok..

Magical thinking or synchronicity? Who cares. It's what I needed to lift myself up.

I think that's what I love about the world, that you can be feeling so incredibly rubbish and a little light appears to give hope..

I hope that the universe sends you all a little something to brighten up your day and to alleviate your worries and fears, even if it's for a short while.

[Pearly queen]

One thing that has (slightly) helped my HA is realizing that I'm not a doctor and medicine isn't always straightforward. For example, my dog has had some real health scares that triggered my HA within the past year. He ended up with an illness that everything on Google says is extremely aggressive and quickly fatal. However, after doing some digging and reading posts from people who had dogs with the same illness, most of them live much longer than Google says and are happy up until the end. He had another issue that, again, Google said is really aggressive but, again, personal stories + the one research study that was done on the disease showed that most dogs live for years and years after diagnosis and most also pass away from something totally unrelated.

So, anytime I'm worried about something I realize that I don't know and even commonly put out medical "knowledge" can be off base from the reality of it. All we can do is take it as it comes and hope for the best.

That is great point Poppy. Google and scary news headlines have convinced us we know as much as doctors or that all doctors are incompetent. I know hypochondria existed before the internet but I imagine it is much worse now than years ago when people couldn't easily 'research' their symptoms and come up with all kinds of conclusions.

[Pearly queen]

Ah Nora, I love that story about the robins. Robins are so special aren't they? I'll be on the lookout today for a sign. Thanks as always Nora x

[lauz_lea]

My recent health anxiety has been the worst I've ever had. When I compare the factors to what I went through from my teens to late twenties that lead to a hysterectomy I think the main element is the type of information that exists online and how easy it is to access. The good news stories are few because people typically dont share those, but the bad news stories are everywhere to be found. Pre Internet i relied on and trusted the reassurance of my doctors and consultants.

I've had so many episodes of fearing a headache is something worse, or a rash is more than just a normal reaction to something and ive also been unexpectedly very I'll a couple of times but felt fine so had no worries (literally being admitted to hospital after a "quick" trip to the docs for what I thought was an insect bite). My daughter also had a serious health concern when she was in primary school, I truly dont know how I handled it but once she saw the right doctor, things moved so fast and we got the worst case scenario ruled out within a few days after surgery. Again, I trusted the information the specialists gave me and had confidence in the team taking care of her.

For me, waiting gives me a chance to ruminate and for my fears to get out of control. I try very hard to avoid fuelling that fire with reading things online that send further into a pit of despair but its natural to want to seek information.

Waiting is hard, and I for one build up fear in myself ahead of appointments or procedures and (thanks menopause) find myself more emotional and anxious over things than I ever used to be. Maybe some of it is age and life experiences too. We're a lot more fearless when we're young because life hasn't thrown that many experiences at us.