Starting to struggle and spiral, just need to vent.

[.Poppy.]

So my question to you poppy is.... is your fear not just about losing loved ones but a fear of aging yourself?

That definitely plays a role, Carnation, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I think there is a fear of time running out. I certainly fear my own mortality, although that's funny to me because when I'm in this kind of state I go to bed thinking it wouldn't be the worst thing if I didn't wake up. I want to run away from these feelings and myself and there aren't too many ways to do that.

But I do think there is a great fear in me of aging, of others aging. Of not being prepared, of being alone. I have a vision of myself alone on holidays, crying and not having anyone really care, sitting alone and sad in a nursing home. Of not having appropriate savings. Of losing my job, not having a safety net, becoming homeless. Of having something happen to my house (or car) and not knowing what to do about it and not having anyone that I can ask. It's just so much.

I have the tiniest reprieves of calm and feeling almost okay, but they last seconds before the "actually, everything is terrible, will be terrible, and you can't stop it" thoughts come rushing back in. I've cried so much. And I don't want to cry! I went out to dinner with my parents last night and I was just absolutely miserable, and I realized to myself that I am the one ruining my own life by being this way and yet I can't stop it. I do think I have some unresolved trauma based on a couple of things that happened and I probably didn't process in a healthy way; maybe my therapist can give me some resources on that. I hate being here.

I know I sound half crazy and like I'm throwing myself the perfect pity party for one, especially when I have very little right to. Thank you for listening to my rants and providing measured responses. It is helpful to get the perspective of others, I feel so stuck in my head.

[.Poppy.]

I did some more reading of forum posts and found some that were helpful. I found some of yours as well, Carnation, from awhile ago that pretty much echoed what I was feeling. There were a lot of helpful responses from members that aren't on here as much any more, and I suppose it's something to know that I'm not alone in this (although personally I'd be happier if these feelings could have come along ten years or more later).

I feel like I've become completely aware of how bleak life is. I watch Chisum get excited for treats and chasing squirrels even as his arthritis slows him down/causes him pain and I think he has no idea that his time is limited or that he has an appointment in a couple of weeks that is going to stress us both. Every time I feel stressed or panicked or sick I think of other people who are feeling those things and if they're going through them alone like I'll have to and I just wish I could fix it all or didn't have to deal with it in the first place.

And I know that this is all just silly, my problems are real but not immediate as far as I know, and there are people who have it worse, much worse. I'm just crying into the void. And absolutely everything is making me cry. Everything reminds me of the past and makes me panic for the future. I was off work Friday and called my mom about walking at their house, I cried to her on the phone and told her I was struggling but I didn't want to bother her; she was so concerned and tried to figure out what was wrong but then we walked and she hasn't brought it up since. I'm not sure she really knows how to help and she's got her own stressors so I feel guilty leaning on her.

I have a lot of stuff to do right now, so I'm trying to push through. I've taken pills to help me sleep but I still wake at 3 am, apparently that is because of a cortisol dump at that time due to stress? But then in the morning and through the day I feel so tired, like I could close my eyes and just drift off. I'm not functioning at 100% but I'm trying to do what I can to prevent getting too far behind.

[.Poppy.]

So sorry to be back here whining, hoping it helps to just type it out.

I had therapy on Saturday. Mostly cried to her, she said it was good I'm getting my meds adjusted and that she is going to try to refer me to a second therapist that knows more about OCD as she thinks that my racing thoughts are a symptom of that. Then I went to my parents and went for a walk with Chisum, it was chilly but sunny and overall a good walk. Cried to my mom for awhile, think it helped but hope it didn't bother her. She said I come by my mental health issues honestly (run in the family) and that she's proud of me for trying to reach out and get help.

My therapist asked me about coping skills and what seemed to work. I said nothing right now, everything seems to trigger me (even the most random, mundane things) and even the idea of things that would normally make me feel comforted and better are upsetting. I've done CBT in the past, but if I can say so, I think it was easier to use CBT to challenge my HA thoughts than it is to challenge the thoughts of something that I know is almost certain to happen, just no idea of where and when and how.

Still waking up in the middle of the night. I'm a little calmer, but I usually take about half of a sleeping aide and then am able to get a few more hours of sleep. Unfortunately when I wake up in the morning I am usually in a panic. And so tired during the day.

I'm pretty busy between work, an event committee I signed up for, and helping my friend with her wedding. I'm also going to a book club tonight that I'm kind of dreading but think will be an overall positive.