Starting to struggle and spiral, just need to vent.

[.Poppy.]

I am teetering between depression and anxiety right now - so low that I am crying all the time and have no motivation and just want to lie down and do nothing, but if I lie still the panic kicks in and I have to get moving.

I had a therapy session this morning (which I cried pretty much entirely through ) and what's almost comical is that I realized the root of my current spell is actually being happy. If I could press pause on my life right now, I'd be content; I'm aware I have a lot of positives in my life, but instead of enjoying those I'm spiraling because I feel like I'm at the crest of the hill and it will just be a series of losses from here forward. I hate feeling like this and I struggle to reach out for support because I envision that I'm going to be all alone in a matter of years anyway, so I might as well figure out how to handle it on my own. I have friends, family, but I feel like they are going to slip away from me one by one so I might as well figure out how to deal with myself now.

I've had a lot of triggers in the last week, so I guess this is no surprise: talking with a friend who has a sick mother, listening to my boss talk about his parents' passing, my dad went to the ER last week (it was food poisoning, he was fine and not admitted), my dog is struggling with arthritis and has an appointment at the start of next month that I'm terrified of going to. Stresses within the country and the world aren't helping either.

It just seems there is no way out, no solution, nothing to look forward to. I have no idea how people find happiness within the midst of life. I have no real idea of what I want, either, other than to feel like I'm not totally alone, or that I won't end up alone in the future. I'd like to have a partner, but it would be worse to have one that was a bad fit (or worse) than not one at all, and even if I had a husband/kids I think that would be just more individuals that I would spend my time worrying about losing.

I'm so tearful, I cried while looking at granola bars in my cabinet today and while looking at a painting job I did a few months ago. Just thinking of that version of myself that picked those things out, that may have been happier, feeling sorry for her somehow I guess?

I'm trying to keep a handle on things because my dog has anxiety and I don't want to worry him. Hard to talk to my parents about it, always has been, and I don't want to add to their plates. I have a friend I talk with, but she's about to get married and I know she's swamped. My therapist suggested talking with my doctor again, as she thinks I may need some more support to get through this bad spell. We were also down to meeting monthly and now are going to kick back up to once a week, so clearly she thought I was an absolute mess.

I have some trips coming up that I'm excited for, but even the idea of making happy memories makes me sad because I think of when they'll be over and just memories again. And I also don't want to wish for time to pass too quickly because it already feels like it is speeding by as it is.

I don't really know what I think people can say, there really isn't any way to fix the normal tribulations of life. I just really needed to vent, so thank you all for giving me a space to do so.

[Carnation]

Poppy, big hug
I can hear your sadness, your worries and anxiety.
I'm much older than you and I have been through some if not most of what concerns you and I can tell you honestly, you adjust and rebuild. Yes, there is going to be sadness changes in your life in the future years but you will cope, find a way to rebuild your life with new paths and connections.
It's a classic anxiety worrying about the future and even without anxiety we fear for the loss of our parents, our friends, our pets. But it seems you are grieving before you've even got there. Somehow you need to bring yourself more into the present because no one knows when these losses are going to be and you could waste many, many years of joy by manifesting death before it's time and creating so much sadness, not only for yourself but for the ones in your life.
Your therapy session sounds as though you wanted to let out all of these emotions and worries which probably did you some good. But as you know, a therapist will not give advice but just listen. And there are no answers at present for the fact that you are in the present and there is no crystal ball to say what's will be and when.
So my advice would be to do some grounding, gratitude affirmations for what you have in your life now and to stop looking at your loved ones with the thoughts of "how long have I got with them". It's very unsettling on both sides.
Also, there's lots on the forum on this subject for you to read which you might find comforting.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Carnation.

Venting to my therapist helped, but she did suggest talking to my doctor as she thinks I'm not in a headspace to really be able to ground myself well. We've talked a lot about mindfulness exercises, she's just not sure if I can do them in my state and I will admit, it's very hard.

I agree I'm grieving prematurely, it's such a weird thing to swing from being sad to being absolutely panicked. I guess just being so afraid of the event(s).

I feel so on my own with it, too. I woke up early with nerves and thought I could go back to sleep, but have had a couple of panic attacks so that hasn't happened. I just sit here thinking about reaching out to someone, but I don't want to bother them and my mind is telling me I shouldn't anyway, because they're busy and have their own things going on and won't be around forever, so I shouldn't get comfortable relying on them.

I know this, too, will pass. I just find it so hard to find this pain worthwhile in the scheme of things.

I'm so tired; I may need to get ready to go to work soon. I'm torn between calling out and trying to get some actual sleep or just going in and trying to tough things out.

Thank you for responding.

[Carnation]

Poppy it's a good idea talk to your doctor, however they tend to refer to a therapist which you already have.
Do you have a close friend you can talk to?
You'll find a lot of people with the same fears as you and my suggestion of having a look on this forum might be a good option for you.
It will pass but likely to come back again so you need to talk this through with someone and you've made your first step here. Distraction is also a good idea to stop the panic. You are better doing something than nothing at all.
Personally I have lost both my parents, relations and friends and you do deal with it much better than you think you will. For me, it was the pre thoughts that were more difficult to handle and like you, had much anxiety and panic about it.
For now, talking is your best release.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Carnation.

I do chat with my friend about things, she also has anxiety (and health issues) so she understands, but is planning a wedding so I'm trying not to bother her too much. She knows I'm struggling though, and has checked in. I am currently talking with my mom and may go out and take a walk with her as the weather is nice and I thought fresh air would be helpful.

I do know that life adapts and we find new supports, it's just hard for me to depend on people I think because I worry about getting too comfortable in a support system and then have it fall away. But, there is always paid support (therapists) and crisis lines, though I've never called one.

My therapist is bumping me back up to weekly meetings to help work on some of the mindfulness. I am going to message my doctor, though, about this one med I took briefly last fall that helped me to sleep and stopped the midnight panic attacks. That would help tremendously.

I agree, the anticipatory thoughts are terrible. It's amazing how we can think of a hundred ways things can go terribly and get ourselves in a state over it, but it's so much harder to think of a hundred ways things can go right to get excited about. I think I just feel hopeless right now. My therapist is probably right that this is more of a depressive episode with elements of panic than the other way around. I've fought through before, surely I can again.

Thank you again for letting me vent. Just getting it out really does help, and knowing there are others out there who understand what it can be like. I hope your week has been brighter - is the weather getting better where you are? It feels like spring here, but may not last.

[Carnation]

Oh no poppy, we've just started a big freeze here.
I'll look forward to that nice Spring weather that's hopefully on its way.

[fishman65]

Poppy, if I've learned something about you from reading your posts on these forums, it's that you're a fighter. Though of course, we can become tired of having to do that fighting, week in week out.

Grieving for a pet prematurely is entirely natural. We fear the losing of them and how we will manage afterwards. But you will manage, you are much stronger than you think. I've seen that time and again on here, you have such a lot of inner strength, that quiet sort of strength. And you probably won't want 'bigging up', but you have earned it nonetheless.

Partners. No you really don't want one that fits into the 'anyone will do' category. I had turned 30 and was still single, so I opted for a quick fix. Which I won't go into, but you'll know when you've found the right person. And you've got plenty of time still. Carnation has given some great advice here.

What is it they say? 'This too shall pass'.

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, fishman. Your words are very kind. I do sometimes see myself as a fighter, but sometimes as just, well, a bit hopeless if I can be honest. Which I know is silly, I know people generally like me and I often get praise at work. I just don't always understand why, I guess? Or I feel like I'm loved when I'm present but am easily forgotten when I drop out of the picture?

I know you've had some home struggles, fishman, I admire your strength in facing those and keeping on. You've had hard times too (as has Carnation, as has everyone here!) and we all just keep plugging on. It's truly amazing to see, even though it's a bit crap for each of us individually, I guess.

There are a lot of things I really dislike about this world, and "the unknown" is the worst for me. Makes sense, with anxiety. This is an "interesting" headspace to be in, both wired and emotional and a bit drained and apathetic, but you're right. It will pass. Being hungry and exhausted doesn't help, either, I'd imagine.

Keep on keeping on - and I guess stay warm on your side of the pond! I'm sure second winter will hit here at some point.

[.Poppy.]

Having a rough day and it's still early. Woke up in a panic again, first thought was "I've wasted my whole life." No specifics, just that I've thrown it away and will never catch up. I went to my friend's toddler's birthday party yesterday and it was fun, but seeing those kids I wonder how they aren't worried constantly that something bad will happen to them. I'm trying to stay away from the depressing subreddits and other social media posts because I think they are causing more harm than good, reading about other people's misfortunes.

It all just seems so pointless. Like life is nothing but pain and we'll never truly get to do all the things we want to. I look around and wonder how anyone can really be happy or relaxed, knowing this.

EDIT: I did some searches on the site and there were good posts that helped, a bit. I noticed a few on the first page were my own posts, including a post I made back in September that was basically the exact same thing. I knew this felt familiar. I know I worked through that and felt a little better but I don't think it ever fully resolved, although how could it? There's not really a solution to my fears.

I didn't sleep much last night and am so tired. I'm getting ready to go into work, because I need to but I also think it will help me to go in and do a little something rather than sit here and ruminate by myself all day. This panic is awful to work through though.

[Carnation]

Oh the times I've though I've wasted my life, in my 20s, 30s and 40s and your could go on for the rest of your life thinking that way. In truth, there is no age limit to new ventures or lifestyle changed or meeting someone.
For me, most of my ventures came later in my life. My life path changed dramatically and couldn't be further away from the days I sat thinking, "Is this it, same old same old" and watching my parents age and me age with them.
I think there is something about the 30s approaching the '40' that sets off a bit of panic and realisation you haven't got much to show for the first 40 years and 40 being so old. Lol, that's what you think at the time and how wrong I was. I won't go in to personal details but I paced in a hell of a lot between 40 and 50.
So my question to you poppy is.... is your fear not just about losing loved ones but a fear of aging yourself?