GAD, Health Anxiety and Grief
Hello everyone, i hope this message finds you well as can be.
I have been a member of NMP on and off for a number of years, and from time to time, like us all, I pop in here for some Reassurance, venting, information, support and just to see how everyone is.
In my early days, Nicola, PinkDove, Gordon and Mark FMP were great supports, and i enjoy seeing their posts still... everyone who has replied over the years has been a great support to me.
I thought I would share some of my journey with Anxiety, with you all, for a couple of reasons, to help me "journal" and be more comfortable with my feelings, and perhaps to help others along the way.
I wondered if I should post this in success stories or the introduce yourself section, or GAD, and decided on the latter. Tbh, all of us are success stories, as we keep on keeping on daily, despite us thinking we might be standing at the edge of point of no return, or thinking we are going crazy?! Anxiety can make us think all sorts of things.
I'm now in my mid to late 40s, and can honestly remember my first rush of anxiety as a young 5 or 6 year old... that feeling was very overwhelming, and it frightened a scared little boy that's for sure.
I will skip the early days, but I came from a very loving family, with great friends, and a support network, if anything that makes me feel guilty as I sometimes think why the hell do I worry about stuff i shouldn't be worrying about! In hindsight, I'm very lucky.
I have had a handful of crisis periods in my life, which stemmed from loss, job changes, physical illness and worry and stress of day to day life.
I have been on and off medication since my early 20s and seen Psychologists, a Pcychiatrist, been hospitalised before when changing and coming off medication too quickly and generally have experienced a broad range of things, like all of you no doubt.
I have suffered from Panic Disorder, GAD and Health anxiety with the latter 2 being the main ones that pop up from time to time still.
I have managed to navigate panic attacks mostly, or perhaps maybe keep them at bay and mild by exercise, breathing and meditation and experience I suppose, with the help of an SSRI also, Don't get me wrong, I still feel panic but not full blown, which we all know, is not fun at all.
I have a good job, an 18 year old daughter however am single and struggled with opening up to anything emotionally meaningful for some time.. will leave that for another time.
I have great friends, and a great relationship with my Dad, however I do feel lonely more as I get older. Mainly at night after work etc.
My Mother was my greatest support over the years, in fact she was my hero, my go to for all things supportive, she suffered from anxiety and depression also, so she got it.
Over the years and probably since covid, my health worries have always been a trigger for my anxiety, from thinking that a cold was the black plague, a muscle twinge, heart palpation or chest tightness was a real life heart issue, a bloody stool or pile was bowel cancer, like you all, I've worried about them all.
I've reached for a PRN medication in times of crisis or just to catch a break, or sought support or reassurance from my GP, family or google lol.... don't do the latter!
I have had a couple of medical procedures, a tumour removed from my neck which was benign, hospital for a few days with that one, my Gallbladder removed after a shocking gallstone attack where I thought it was all over red rover! And an operation on my wrist for a torn ligament.
All of the above brought me great anxiety, all the what ifs, the worst case scenario running through my head, but alas, here I am... I survived. ��
With Covid, I feel all of us perhaps have been stuck in that heightened alert phase, in varying degrees, I know i have been...
I had a couple of things pop up after getting covid a couple of times and was diagnosed with Hypertension in late 2023, brought on post covid infection?! I take a BP tablet and its very well controlled, aside from when being anxious... for those with a home monitor you will know what I mean, those fight or flight fluctuations are wild! My GP and I have agreed, don’t measure it when anxious and just do a few readings every 3 months or so and check back in. From 120s/80 to sometimes higher when anxious, your BP will always fluctuate, even when on a tablet!
I have seen a cardiologist for a review, had a Echocardiogram, ECGs blood work and have been passed fighting fit. My cholesterol is perfect and same with sugar levels... TBH I'm actually pretty healthy, despite fearing or thinking otherwise.
However in March 2022, we lost our dear mother, after a short illness, at only 68 years of age. It was a devastating time, Mum's are just the best, well ours was. She was full of love and support and would do anything for us.
For about 2 years after Mums death, I felt like I was on autopilot, I acknowledged her passing, I knew it was real, but mentally... I didn't know how to process it or live with it more comfortably. My anxiety took over through unprocessed grief, and well the rest is history.
My anxiety probably distracted me, it took my mind to other places, if I could get a quick fix and relief from worrying about something else and then it passing i felt better.
Take the BP issue, once I took a tablet and things settled after my diagnosis, I felt normal again, checking my BP and it being normal again was a relief, it made me feel happy.... until after my 3rd covid infection in 2024 where it was raised, and I thought it was all over again and my body was failing me..... turns out, it wasn't... it was just spiking mainly through dehydration, being unwell and surprise surprise... being anxious!!!
I started to tackle the processing of Grief more actively in mid 2025, it was and still is tough, I was able to allow myself to be sad, to miss Mum without guilt, to talk to her as if she was still here, and above all trying to be kinder to myself in times of trouble.
Grief and anxiety are very closely related, loss and trauma stirs up Anxiety, and the chain of pattern can continue.... I have read that Anxiety is the unofficial 6th stage of grief... I believe this for sure.
In summary, all of us will experience ups and downs, loss, illness, unpleasant emotions, but the key is not getting stuck in those loops, finding wins in the small things, and the need for support and talking therapy/medication will assist in recovering.. accepting things will never be smooth sailing also helps..
I think I'm at peace that anxiety will always be apart of my life in some way, but the key is to not let it run my life. Don't get me wrong, I wish I didn't experience it, at all!
On those days when it might be easier to stay in bed, cancel a plan, or avoid something scary, just try and give it a go... you never know how strong you are until you give it a go or experience something really significant in life. Anxious people are probably the most strongest out there!
I know my Mum is still with me daily, I talk to her and hear her voice of reason and advice still... there is a hole that will never be filled, but I try and do things to honour her as she can no longer do them.
I have a long way to go still, and have those blips but I encourage you to look at small wins and be kind to yourself along the way.
I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them and look forward to your replies or stories.
Best wishes to you all. ❤️
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