Hello everyone. I've been agoraphobic since childhood (I'm now 40) with specific avoidances of being in audiences or being a passenger (which limits travel somewhat!). I've always been uneasy about being 'trapped' in a situation that's out of my control. Top nightmares would be fairground rides or air travel. I've managed ok, with avoidance.
For some time now I've been a bit uneasy at bedtime, wondering if I could get panicky just because I have to keep breathing (however daft that sounds).. just having to keep going seems frightening, and I even can't help thinking it would just be easier to do away with myself - not that I would.. it's just irrational thinking when anxious. Until recently it was enough to tell myself off and think of something else, something nice. My escape route would be to get up and do something to take my mind of it (probably down to gulp some wine and watch some TV or something), but I never had to.
All that changed on Sunday night when the panic went too far.. I tried to fight it by not getting up... by facing it (like the An End to Panic book says) and this just meant I spent half the night wide awake feeling like my life was over and things would never be the same again.
Even in the morning, in the shower, I felt terrible, and didn't know whether to go straight to medical help or go to work and take it from there. I was so anxious I was shivering - I still am when I think about it. I went to work and then to my doctor later, and she listened to my story, including my long saga about my unfulfilling marriage, and she figured I was depressed (but I can still laugh!) and anxious - a good candidate for the pills... she gave me a prescription for Sertraline, saying it wasn't addictive.
When I realised these pills were Zoloft I looked them up in my panic book and looked around online. Wow, those side effects look hellish scary, and far too likely! And it takes hours to have any effect, and weeks to really improve anything? How do I cope in the meantime?!
I can't believe pills are the answer. I've struggled to battle this for two nights now, I just want to be able to relax and get some sleep.. but I'm lying there shivering and can't sleep unless I'm exhausted. I'm finding enough to distract me at work, and can doze off in my chair here (great job huh?!) but the nights are bothering me. I'm not scared of panics as such, it's just acute anxiety and the thought that I've lost it.. let myself down.. it's full-blown anxiety/panic disorder now... I can't cope.. might have to live on dodgy pills forever. At one point last night I realised "this is what I've been dreading all these years and here I am - it's not THAT bad" (apart from the shivery dread) and that calmed me for a while ... "I can cope! A bit!".. but it's no cure.
The book says distraction isn't the answer, you must face the panic, get used to it and then you won't fear it. I reckon it's better to do whatever works for you!
Will I ever get back to normal? Are pills the answer? The book says avoid them as much as you can - deal with the problem. What if I get side effects I can't stand and really go off the rails?
I'm so scared and needy now, I feel like a broken shell.. I'm so desperate I've even decided to give my marriage another try (not the best reason to, is it? I feel a bit mean about that) but it is great to know I'm still loved and there's someone there for me. I really should make the best of it, even if I do still have unresolved yearnings for a deeper 'connection'.
I spoke to my Doc again today to see what she'd say, there must be something less risky I can take to calm me down, no? No, she said, I could have beta-blockers (tried them before, didn't stop me panicking), or try Valerium tea or St.Johns Wort! It feels like she wants to drug me up and make me wait weeks for a referal to trained specialists - there's a waiting list of several weeks) I still don't know if I can face the side-effects risk unless I'm totally desperate. And what's the point if morning (and bearable normal routine) comes around sooner than the pills kicking in?
She said she'd prescribed Zoloft to many many people over recent years (more fuel to my "drug 'em up!" fears) and horrendous side effects were far less common than I'm afraid of.
It's fear of fear, I told my workmates. Afraid that I'll get too afraid, a vicious circle that escalates rapidly to panic. "Wow," they said... "fear of being afraid? You're *really* stuffed!"
Do I take the pills? Do I trust medical science?! What does it feel like? Would I still be able to panic? Help! (much appreciated)
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you sound quite similar to me, in the length of time youve suffered. id say its the agoraphobia catching up with you? thats my theory on why i went through what your experiencing 8 months ago. like you i didnt/wouldnt/couldnt take meds adn turned to people instead,like your doing with your husband. i think you could probably do with having some therapy, mine helped me to see all the 'thinking errors' i was making, which given my life story and the fact ive struggled for many many years with 'fear of fear' is understandable.
to you!
