Hi from "MessedUp"

[ladygrom]

hi and welcome to the site we all understand tc elaine xxxxx

[MessedUp]

That was an interesting night. I felt really positive in the evening, having read various pages here. The hypnotherapy page was inspiring, it helped me believe this is a temporary condition I can climb out of. I don't feel so totally helpless now. I know I can cope, even if I get shakily anxious. Last night I didn't feel shaky at all, went to bed, slept peacefully and managed to get back to sleep a couple of times. With my planned escape route of getting up or reading, there was nothing to fear.

Then along came 5.30 and I started worrying again. I was too groggy to remember all the positive thinking techniques, and ended up shaking again. On with the lights, and I tried reading a newspaper. I knew I just had to distract myself. That's what anyone healthy would do, isn't it? You feel anxious, you do something to calm yourself down - why not? Stands to reason.

Then I started worrying that I'd done so well but I wasn't there yet. I know I have to realise I'm not well at the moment, but I can make it... but it seems such a mountain to climb. It worried me that I had to make such an effort to distract myself. I was too worried to concentrate on reading. It came and went as I finally managed to read things, and the shaking came and went, but it still upset me that I was in this state and had to wait an hour until everyone else was getting up.

However, although it still wasn't great, I wasn't losing my mind and cowering in a corner unable to face being alive. If I can carry on like this, one day at a time, I can get there. My mind needs to believe I'm safe, and it will heal. I'm going to investigate hypnotherapy today (see what's available) and see if I can be helped to speed up reprogramming my mind to accept more positive ways of thinking so I don't get stuck in the negative loop that leads to such anxiety.

I'm also coming to accept that I am depressed - or at least if I wasn't before I certainly must be now! And so, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible to accept that I may need chemical help from those pills. There's no shame in being ill and needing medicine. I'd much rather have the strength of character and resolve to make it through on my own, but we'll see. I'm still scared of the effects, what it will feel like, whether it will work or not.

But at least I'm feeling slightly more positve, there are still options available. Still not looking forward to tonight though, the thought of trying to distract myself from.. say.. 2.30 until 6.30, stuck in bed, would be horrible. Maybe it's a good excuse to buy myself a laptop to play with! Then along comes a negative thought - what if there was a power failure?! Hehe, you've got to laugh at this condition, for every ray of hope there's a potential problem!

One day at a time. Stay positive. It will pass. I could end up fine for the rest of my life, I could have relapses, I could be nastily ill, I could lose someone, all manner of things *might* happen. But that's the future, and no-one knows. This though, this torture. is right here right now. And that's all I've got to deal with - the present moment. The future will take care of itself. And if it's just our feelings, we ought to be able to keep check on them. If we can sit at the computer and use this website, it can't be THAT bad can it?

We can do it!

[groovygranny]

Hi there M.U.

Well, I think you've quite possibly answered all your own questions there!
I didn't want to take medication, but my doc told me that if I broke my leg I'd have to have it plastered in order to keep it still so it would heal - so why should the mind be any different? That totally convinced me to go ahead with my meds and, like I said previously, I only needed them for about 6 months.
I consider myself a 'success' - purely because I am nothing like what I was 2 years ago when I very nearly ended up in the psych unit of the local city hospital.
You are spot on in taking one day at a time - there was a time when I had to take it one hour at a time. But, the secret is to push and motivate yourself just enough to not over do it, and that can be difficult when faced with all the racing, fearful, opressive thoughts (tell me about it!) - but it can be done. This is what my medication helped me to do. But, you'll make mistakes and sometimes think you're taking a step backward - when all you're doing is stepping sideways if you keep those positive thoughts uppermost in your mind. And, this site is fantastic for keeping you 'focused' - in my experience anyway. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat, as I have a bit of a reputation for writing novelistic posts sometimes lol !!

Take care, you really are doing great you know - even if you don't feel as though you are!

[MessedUp]

Thank you so much GG, you're very kind. I've just had a useful chat with a local hypnotherapist, but unfortunately she's going away for Christmas. I might try another though. She said the pills are probably worth doing if I'm in such a state at the moment.

Darn, I'm getting shaky again just thinking what a difficult case I'll be for a hypnotist! It seems such an uphill struggle.

[MessedUp]

woohoo.. I've managed to get an appointment with a friendly hypnotherapist tomorrow morning, which seems so close I haven't felt so hopeful and calm for ages. I'm aware of expecting too much, but I believe in it at this point and that's enough for now!

He says it's very common and he's dealt with loads of cases like mine, which sounds promising. And if it doesn't help, then I'll do the pills and wait for the waiting list to work its way around to me.

One more night to go...

[MessedUp]

I'm sitting here feeling absolutely 100%, and almost nothing's changed! Except for one important thing : hope.

Think about that one for a moment and realise how powerful it is. If (bear with me here)... *if* you truly believed someone could tap a magic wand on your head tomorrow and all your anxieties and phobias would vanish and you'd be a wonderful new confident and calm version of you - you'd be so full of hope that you'd probably be fine all day today and all night.
Yet that magic cure is still a day away and you're still the same person right now.
Funny how the mind works isn't it? Fear of the future makes us anxious right now, and hope for the future makes us calm right now. And Right Now is all that matters really.

If I can get stuff like that solidly drummed into my subconscious, it's all going to be fine!

[Lindalou64]

HELLO AND WELCOME LIKE GG SAID WE CANT TELL YOU TO TAKE PILLS OR NOT BUT AS A AGRAPHOBIC FOR 19 YRS I DO TAKE PILLS IF IT HELPS WHY NOT.I CAN WORK NOW AND ECT ...YES ITS FACING THE FEAR BUT I ALSO KEEP MYSELF BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE MONSTER.WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN METHODS I GUESS....BUT I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY DO WHAT EVER IS BEST FOR YOU IF THE PILLS HELP WHY NOT IF THEY DONT THEN DONT BOTHER WITH THEM.I WISH YOU THE BEST AND YOU ARE DEF NOT ALONE ON THIS............LINDA

[MessedUp]

Thanks Linda. All the best to you too..
I'm going to keep this message short (after all the long ones I've posted) to prove I can, LOL

[MessedUp]

(I'm going to keep using this thread as my journal, even if some people will probably ignore the introductions forum and so never see it. Even if no-one wants to read it, it's helping me... thanks! Hopefully one day I'll be better and maybe it will inspire someone somewhere someday)

Well I've learned something new tonight - if it's true. I spent a couple of hours talking to someone very experienced with tackling OCD and phobias, and I told her everything. It turns out that the anxiety, panic and phobia stuff does indeed mean I'm depressed, even if I didn't realise it and still manage to face each day with a smile and laugh easily and don't feel overly 'down' as such.

The anxiety/panic I'm facing now is the depression showing up in its own way. It's an interesting theory that has surprised me, but it kind of makes sense. There are things that have been weighing me down in recent years now that wouldn't explain the longer term specific phobias but would certainly explain why I'm in my current mess.

If that means it's Pill Time, then so be it - sounds like I'll benefit a lot (if I get away without nasty effects). She said it will lift my mood and make things seem easier, and if there are any effects... that can be dealt with, even if I end up in the emergency room! Heck, I'm almost sold already.

I'm going to tough it out tonight, try reading if it gets bad, or just get up and leave the house at 3am if I have to and try the hypno tomorrow. Then if that doesn't change anything, I shall be entering Medsworld, like it or not. Time to face it like something more substantial than a mouse. I'm ill, I need pills - it could be far worse; I could have lost limbs in an accident or something.

I've also got a possible way to fast-track getting the local Psychology dept to see me and assess my needs, which could be helpful. Oh well, here comes tonight's attempt at sleep... if only I'd had less than 6 hours last night I'd be more exhausted now, LOL

.. and another thing.. the fear loop I get stuck in is coming from negative thoughts - which certainly sounds like depression doesn't it?

[ladygrom]

hi messedup your realy doing well keep it up keep thinking positive all the very best tc elaine xxx