Hi from "MessedUp"

[RickD]

Hi MessedUp,

Welcome to NMP.

Good luck with the hypno, I hope it helps.

I have tried lots of different antidepressants and the only advice I can give is that if you do go ahead and try them u must give them a chance. They can take 3 -4 weeks to start having an effect, it will be a rollercoaster ride in that time with highs and lows in mood and side effects which differ for everyone. They aren't a miracle cure either they will help with your feelings of anxiety, not get rid of them entirely.
Your anxiety seems quite similar to mine, agoraphobia, fear of not being able to get out of a situation or of having to get out of a situation! Like me you also seem to find it hard to make decisions, should I, shouldn't I take the meds.
I am not sure if the meds will benefit you, noone can be sure. Have you tried taking a benzo like diazepam? They are addictive if taken over a long period of time, but if you take them every so often they aren't, they are very effective and have no awful side effects. I also find the fact that I know I can have one sometimes is help enough! You should speak to your GP.

I hope I have been of some help.

Rick

[MessedUp]

Cheers Rick, it always nice to see people taking the time to comment.

It's like I'm having to relearn how to deal with my feelings at the moment. Am I really cold or is it the anxiety making me shiver? Does this tense excitement inside mean I'm anxious ,or is it to do with something else that occurred a moment ago? Am I hungry or that that nausea? Sounds silly doesn't it?! But that's how it is.

One thing that I have learnt is : if you need to do something and you're slightly anxious about it BUT NOT A LOT... then JUST GET ON WITH IT! If you've done it before then you can do it again.
Last night I stayed here in the office (no PC at home at the moment) until 10.30, just putting off the change of situation. As I went to the door to head outside.. slight dread.. but I faced it anyway and it was fine. Walking through the streets... fine. Will I be ok driving? Uneasiness.. but it was fine.

Halfway home though, and that stupid idea come back. I have to keep going... there's no escape. PRESSURE!! Keep breathing, stay alive, do this, do that, relentless remorseless pressure until the sweet merciful release of death (or at least that's what I felt last time) or I get drugged up to my eyeballs to stop me! This time though, I knew that those panicky feelings about having to keep breathing whether I liked it or not.. are replaced by the panic. This seems like a major realisation. Once panicking, the thing that started the panic is no longer the source - the panic is now being fed by itself, and that's where my focus shifts to.

And the magic realisation is : the panic isn't that bad! It may be worse for you (if so I apologise, please don't make me feel guilty!) but the worst I've got so far results in feeling very shaky, a sense of doom and hopelessness... just... FEAR. And I know I've been there, and dealt with it, and put up with it for hours on end AND STILL managed to function as a person. I've lied in bed shaking, I've got up and felt shaky and hopeless and scared and still managed to shower, dress and drive to work. So, although I don't want to feel like that again, it no longer scares me as much as it did. I've felt its worst, and I'm not letting myself be bullied by it again! (I must point out here that it's the anxiety panic I mean - the panics I get from specific phobia situations affect me in a different way that I still dread - but that can wait for now)
I could carry on like this for years if I really had to, so it's not making those pills seem attractive. I'm hoping I'll get used to it and come out of the depression on my own first.
I got home fine, busied myself with 101 chores and household routines, had a bite to eat and watched some TV. I still wasn't hugely keen on going to bed, so I stayed up until about 2am until I was falling asleep in my chair.

Maybe now I'm tired enough to sleep, I thought. Off to bed then, and now I'm wide awake! "I don't panic any more, I just shake" I told myself, and that is bearable. Stuff this, I thought, if my life becomes very strange and I do odd things at odd times, so be it. Whatever it takes. If I get up and dressed again, and go out for a drive at 3am, who cares? With this escape route in mind, I felt ready to relax enough to sleep. Except I was shaking so much... but after half an hour of that I figured it was genuine cold and put on a fleece as well, which helped. I slept right through until the alarm, felt I'd passed a significant milestone, and headed off to work with a smile and sense of achievement. A hug from my loved ones was good too.

Heading straight to the hypnotherapy (because I was too late to go to work for 15mins first) I felt so much hope, it was a pleasure walking in the freezing (but dry) streets, and through a beautiful park on the way. I felt calm, alive, hopeful.
I arrived at the hypnotherapist's with an open mind, ready to believe in it and go along with whatever it takes....
"I don't panic any more" - that's my mantra now!

[MessedUp]

The Hypnotherapy + EFT

( EFT : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion...dom_Techniques)

I turned up willing and ready to accept I was going to be helped, prepared to go along with anything. This is vitally important. If this sounds scary in any way, let me reassure you it's no more scary than sitting somewhere peaceful just talking to someone friendly. It's THAT simple! Someone talking to YOU, about YOU, to help YOU - heck, that attention alone is worth it

The EFT seemed a bit odd, tapping a series of points on myself in a sequence while repeating things he was saying. He knew the right things to make me say, because I found, much to my surprise, that I just couldn't say certain positive things about myself. I folded up emotionally a bit (entirely normal, I was reassured) and struggled through tears and a wobbly voice to say what I needed to say. And sure enough, I felt different (who wouldn't, after letting out stress like that?!).

It highlighted that I was a perfectly normal human being like everyone else, entitled to a calm happy life, doing my best. It's like a pat on the back (and for going there and trying to help myself) which is always welcome. Acknowledging your insecurities and letting it all out with someone can't fail to make a difference!

EFT - who cares if it's a trick - even if it's just a way to get your emotions unbottled, and little more than a distraction on your own - if it works for you, that's a useful tool.

Next - hypnotism...
...I wasn't even aware I was in a 'trance' at all (because I either wasn't or it didn't feel like it...) Most of the time I was thinking "this isn't working, I'm not relaxed enough, I can get up and walk off" BUT this is all there is to it. Just go along with it. You're simply having a talk (one-way or dialogue) while your eyes are closed and you've been helped to relax a bit. You don't feel asleep, groggy, or anything; just calm, and focussed on doing what he/she says because you're happy to go along with it. There's no 'implanting of ideas' you wouldn't want, you can remember everything, you're fully aware of what's happening. You simply go along with it like a normal conversation with someone you trust, and find (without even trying) that you're entirely focussed upon what's happening to you, with all the outside world noises far away in exactly the same way as when you're deeply into a film or TV programme, or talking to someone in everyday life who is holding your attention 100%. Nothing more scary than that.

That's it! I was disappointed in a way, because I'd expected some sort of altered state or 'trance' (that's a heavily loaded word which raises silly expectations). But he assured me I had responded well (easily done, you just do what you're told and let him do what he's experienced enough to do).

Simple as that. A chat with your eyes closed.. which somehow bypasses the normal decision making part of your consciousness and goes straight to the subconscious. At the moment that's open to some doubts because I've had no therapy conversation while 'under', he was just introducing me to it this time. So I have to go along with it and believe it for now, although it seems very little has happened. I can see why some people think it's rubbish and doesn't work for them - at the moment it seems like a bit of a trick relying upon me to simply believe it's going to work. But I shall see, next week. If it's just a bit of a trick to get you to talk honestly to someone who knows how to put a positive spin on things, so be it.. but it certainly can't hurt - and I think I'm going to discover what's really causing me problems deep in my subconscious and be helped to think about it differently.

I have a CD to listen to each day, and the EFT to work at. I'm sure that will help me, even if it's just a distraction method.

I walked back to work on a high, laughing, emotional, happy that I'd unbottled a load of emotion, someone cares (even if I'm paying for it!) and the world seems a brighter place. There ARE people who can help, I'm not going to get 'stuck' in a nightmare, I can get better, and I'm normal (but with a problem... that can be investigated and probably fixed).

I made my way through the park with tears of relief in my eyes, knowing that deep down it's probably just the pressures of life, responsibilty that's all got a bit much for me, and my mind needs a rest, a reset, a restoration of balance... etc.

I'm looking forward to next week's second session, and feeling postive that I can get there ok.

If you want to try this yourself, find a therapist you feel comfortable and relaxed with, who is friendly and you're happy to let them help you. If you're happy to talk about how you feel, and trust them, you'll probably get a lot out of it. Do say exactly what you feel, be honest, give him/her 100% information to let him/her help you and explain things. If you feel nothing really happened, say so - and it will be explained. Don't leave with unanswered questions, unless it's what normally waits for a follow-up session. A good therapist will make sure you're happy with what's happened, and should probably offer (as mine did) to answer any queries by phone if you need that before the next appointment.

[MessedUp]

State of play
I feel like I understand what's happening to me, and why.
I think the source of the underlying stress is still there but lessened, and I'm working on it on two fronts (improving a relationship and getting therapy).
I feel the symptoms of that stress are lessening.
I feel I can cope with those symptoms.
There is hope.

I've gone from horror, dread and desperation to feeling positive... in a matter of days.. with the help of caring fellow human beings, and that's very heartwarming. If all goes well without resorting to those pills, I'm going to feel so smug and strong I'll be unbearable, LOL

ta for the forum!!

[groovygranny]

Way to go M.U. !

What an enthralling post - I don't mean in an 'entertainment factor' way, although you do have a knack of keeping the attention of the reader! And this is what is so encouraging - as you say in your own words you have gone from being totally despondent to being positive and hopeful in a matter of days. Well done you!

You could have this thread moved to either the Success Stories or the Therapy forum if you so wish ?

I'm sure this thread is an inspiration and encouragement to all those who read it - no matter where they are in their journey on the road to recovery.

Thank you for sharing with us.

And keep posting!

[MessedUp]

Many thanks GG, if I truly am 90% there already, then... yes... I hope my story does serve to inspire people. I've still got my specific phobias which give me 10/10 on the anxiety scale when I panic in situations I can't get away from, but this week's Adventures in Anxiety seem to be a different thing which is getting quite bearable.

Looking back at the events of Sunday night, I remember things hitting 8 to 9 out of 10 for brief moments (where 10 for any time would be a state of climbing the walls wide-eyed PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!), with some sustained 7 or so, but usually lessening to around 4 to 6 which for me is a state of feeling very anxious, shaking with it, but remaining in full control of moving about and functioning. Now that I know I can put up with long periods of up to 6-7 if I have to, I don't feel I'm likely to go higher than that - and that's enough to stop me getting that bad (or worse). I have the means to distract myself, and I believe the depression is lifting too.

Last night I was watching TV and my mind kept wandering... I couldn't help thinking the rest of my life was going to be one long battle to stop thinking about it, a constant effort to distract myself - would I have the mental strength? Well, not only is that unlikely (because this is just a passing phase and when I'm less 'depressed' and generally feeling happy and contented I simply won't be thinking negatively like that) BUT I think we all know that when you're starting to panic you certainly have enough motivation to do anything you can to snap away from it!

The evening went well enough, I headed to bed at midnight feeling tired enough to sleep. I had enough power of positive thinking to get me to nod off.

BBC Radio 4 is a fabulous radio station, I have to say. My bedside radio is quietly on all night long with comforting voices, and any time I need distraction I simply concentrate on what's being said. The shipping forecast is a bit dull though! My wife has been sleeping downstairs to give me freedom to sort myself out (more on that later, hehe) and to avoid being disturbed.

4am. Wide awake and anxious within moments, reaching a tolerable 4 out of 10, no shaking, but not far off it. I took a sip of water and toyed with the idea of doing the EFT ritual. But then I remembered something I'd read here about breathing correctly when lying on the stomach, so I turned that way and propped my head up off the pillow with my elbows supporting me. Aware of slow breathing from the stomach area rather than the chest, it settled down to a 2 out of 10 which is too much to get me off to sleep again, but no big deal to put up with.

At this point I discovered with some delight that 2 / 10 is enough to support... shall we say.. blokey thoughts that we like to 'amuse' ourselves with. I shall say little more on that one (draw your own conclusions) but whether we act on those things or not it certainly is a pathway to eventual relaxation and sleep again... *innocent*whistling*

So then I slept like a log, woke a few times and went back to sleep again, woke at 7ish and lay there awake but drowsy, perfectly relaxed while the family rattled around downstairs to go out early somewhere without me. Even when I awoke later at 9.30 I was so happy to feel comfortable in my own bed with my own thoughts again, I stayed there until 11am enjoying the lazy lie-in. This must mean I've cracked it at last (no euphemism intended, LOL).

Now that I'm in a position to rate anxiety on the scale to 10, I realise that very often in life we spend a lot of our time at somewhere around 0.5 to 1 without really realising it, but you certainly notice the difference when it falls to nothing. I worked in an office once where whenever the background noise of the air conditioning fell silent we'd all be aware of the sudden drop in stress level as we all relaxed just that little bit more (someone else remarked upon it and there was general agreement). I suppose it's not to unhealthy to spend so much of your life with that constant level of background stress but I can't help wondering whether it all builds up in the long run. It can't be that good for a person, surely.

Before I got up, I was aware that I was around 0.5 at least (hardly bothered) and decided I ought to practice the EFT tapping ritual. Sure enough, after a set of five of those I was so bored I was yawning and back at 0 / 10!

0/10 is a great place to be. And it's unlikely to lead to sudden increases, because when you're that relaxed and calm, the negative stuff is so much less likely to pop into your mind. Too busy letting the mind chill out and gently wander around pleasant avenues of thought - the happy state I thought I'd lost and never get back to.... I'm so glad to be back.

It's been a lazy day, happy at home (great progress compared to being anxious about going back there from the office) and happy to head out and about. I drove around for a bit, did a spot of shopping and popped in here to the office.

I have a slight trembly shake right now although I only feel about 1/10 anxious, so I think it's just the cold (it's only 15C in here, and my legs are definitely cold so that explains that).

I realise now that things were heading in the wrong direction a days before all this kicked off. I had one morning when I was stuck at traffic lights with a very noisy vehicle behind me, and I had to lean over and pretend to rummage for something in the glovebox to avoid a panic. This is usually something I'd cope with fine, so it shows how my stress levels were rising last week. I've also had a suspicion over the years that I panic more easily after a bad night's sleep, and hardly at all when I'm well rested and happy. So there's a lot to be said for the stress and anxiety levels affecting the way our minds work and bring on the vicious circle of panic when more you're stressed and more likely to wonder about it.

Enough for today.... take care everyone ... and de-stress your lives as much as you can!

[dinkydoo]

Wow, great inspiring story there, fantastic news. Will give it a try in the New Year. Good for you!!!

[MessedUp]

Thanks dink - yes, if you can afford it then it's well worth a try. Frankly I sometimes feel I'd give my life savings and sign over the house to be totally at ease with managing anxiety! (Damn, I hope I don't say that to him next time I'm under, hehe). Good luck

Yes, it's all about managing anxiety. I can see now that when a sudden noise starts up then I jump (internally at least) and get a surge of adrenaline which feels like anxiety has leapt up to 5 / 10 for a moment. I'm sure that's normal (maybe less than 5 perhaps) but most people realise it's not a threat and relax again immediately. With this disorder though, if the noise is still there then negative thinking comes into play and it sets off a cycle of worry and anxiety that can lead to panic if I don't deal with it appropriately.

That's all it is : over most of my lifetime I've responded incorrectly to perceived threats and I'm not allowing normal anxious responses to die away. This is where I have high hopes that hypnosis, CBT, NLP or willpower and positive thinking would be all it takes to give me the skills to learn to deal with irrational thoughts correctly at last.

It's only feelings, after all. I haven't been in control of my feelings, which sounds a bit daft but it's just a phase (it should be just a phase if you deal with it). What goes hand in hand with feelings? Emotions. Hmmm, that's ringing a bell somewhere... I'm always been a bit over emotional. I can imagine a lot of unresolved emotional stuff is going to be revealed as the hypnotherapy continues, and I really believe it's going to help.

I'm still getting 2/10 anxiety about what triggers me off - I worry about my breathing. There's nothing wrong with it, but the thought keeps popping into my head that I have to keep on breathing and I can't escape from that. That's pretty silly, and I know it's irrational because breathing is perfectly pleasureable, and you're not even aware of it when you're relaxed or focused on doing something. I've managed most of my 40 years on this planet without it being a significant problem, as has everyone else, so there's no reason why the rest of my life should be a problem with it.

It's just a worry. Worrying is so self-defeating it's simply not worth the time it takes to think those things. Worry causes anxiety, anxiety heightens the worry, and round and round it goes until you break the chain and distract yourself. So why worry in the first place? I need to constantly reassure myself that I'm in control of my worrying, I can stop it by thinking about something else and the worries will be pushed aside and down comes the anxiety level until I'm so relaxed that the worries stay sulking somewhere in the back of my mind until the next time they feel like having a go. And the more I push away those bullying worries, the longer they'll leave it between trying to needle me, and eventually they'll have no power over me at all and give up.

For now I'm still worrying about why I keep worrying about it though!
This is where therapy, or just practice, time and patience come to play.

I need to get used to one simple fact, and let it sink in well and proper : Anxiety level 0 (out of 10) - totally relaxed - is a truly wonderful place where I don't worry about things and the breathing issue simply doesn't arise. All I need to do when I find myself worrying about it is to distract myself, apply calming techniques until I'm relaxed, and then I'll be fine. Then I worry about how long I can stay relaxed before the next time I worry again... but once you know how to rescue yourself down to 0/10 again then you just get bored of it and think about other things, feel in control and normal, and you know you can cope.

I still think there's work to be done on myself (therapy) but it's great to feel hope. And in the back of my mind I know that if I get myself into a terrible state again, I have mental tools to get me down the reasonable levels again, and from there down to a state of relaxation again... BUT.. if I somehow found it didn't work I could still get myself to the local hospital emergency room somehow and there would be ways to deal with it... even if pills were the only way it wouldn't be as bad as a life of panic. It's never as hopeless as it seemed in my darkest hours a week ago - and knowing that is wonderful for heading towards inner calm.

Why should I worry that the rest of my life might all be about coping? Does it matter, so long as I do cope? Again, just stop worrying and everything's great.

I think I've written down enough here to keep things on track for myself - I'm going to condense it down and print it out to refer to in case I ever feel I can't cope. Just reading all this again should remind me that I managed this time, so I can do it again.

I will keep on adding stuff here... catch you later

[Southern_Belle]

Hello and welcome to the site. Many here have felt like you do and you will find that you are not alone.

Hugs,

Laura

[MessedUp]

ta Laura.

So far so good. I had long periods last night of hardly thinking about it, caught myself now and then thinking "hey it's been a while since I thought about it!".

No trouble sleeping. I feel totally normal today, but with some occasional 1-2 / 10 anxiety. Now though, as soon as I realise I'm feeling slightly anxious, I seem to be able to instanty write if off a feeling that can go if I relax a bit, and I'm not automatically worrying about it getting worse. I'm now just wondering what I'm feeling anxious about, like anyone else would.

It's like "hey, there's some anxiety there - it'll go in a minute" and then I move on. I can't tell you how brilliant that is!