Hi from "MessedUp"

[MessedUp]

re: my comments yesterday about the Cursed Secret...
(At that point it feels like a curse - as if there's a secret thought that most people have never heard of, but once some evil piece of work whispers to you the cursed secret it changes your life because from then on you have to be ever vigilant not to think about it or pay terrible consequences.)

- one Positive Thinking way to counter that is this : there's another secret to be learned - and Secret 2 is the antidote to Secret 1.
Secret 2 robs Secret 1 of all (or most of) its power... and everything goes back to normal (or normal enough).

When I figure out exactly what that secret is, I'll let you know. But it's quite plain that some people know it (they've recovered - or at least 90% recovered). Just knowing that this secret is out there is comforting. Hope is a great thing.

[MessedUp]

More positive thinking. It's quite obvious that it's all in my mind. It's all about thoughts and how I react to them.

But the mind is a wonderfully versatile and adaptive thing. We all keep learning, and change, and grow. When I was 17 I never thought I'd get the hang of driving.. but I did. I found it hard to believe I'd ever end up married, with a house, with children... but it all happened. I took it in my stride, accepted new challenges and grew. Tricky things can be gradually dealt with, confidence grows, and dealing with it becomes second nature.

So who says I can't take all this in my stride too? Why should this challenge be any different? It's a tough one for sure, but I believe we can get there. The mind will heal itself.

[MessedUp]

Hypno 2
Not a great deal to report, to be honest. Mixed feelings, really. I opened up and told him all the events from the last few years that have left me this stressed, and the difficulty I face choosing the right path now. This is all very personal and not worth writing about because it's way too specific to me.
He wasn't able to help me make up my mind any more than I have been able to for the last few years left to my own devices... BUT.. it did, I suppose, clarify just how important it is to reach a decision and work at it.
It felt good to unburden myself to someone, I'm not totally sure being hypnotised actually worked or had any effect, but I was quite relaxed and came away feeling I ought to make the most of what I've got and enjoy it.

So it wasn't a waste of time - although I'm not altogether sure that going again is going to achieve much. The next one is more than a week away and I'm not feeling worried about whether I can cope until then, which is good (I hope that lasts!).

I still believe in hypno - we're all different with varying reasons for the distress we find ourselves in, and some cases will benefit more from the therapy of being helped to see things as they are more clearly in a relaxed state (we don't think so logically when stressed). If the stress comes from a huge indecision (like mine) it's awkward for the therapist because they aren't there to make your mind up for you - only to help you think it over with more clarity.

I'm actually finding myself thinking I've been a total idiot for even thinking I ever had a decision to make in the first place... it's looking like there is only one sensible route to take after all.. so that's where I'm headed. Hopefully now the anxiety will dissolve and I can get on with life. If I put my heart and soul into things then it's a lot easier to deal with however it turns out. If it works ok (whether I yearn for more or not - that's only natural but something we usually deal with ok) that's fine - if it's quite obviously broken beyond repair then at least I'll know for sure. Who knows what will happen next year... but picking one path and doing my best is a lot better than standing still torturing myself about what to do.

[MessedUp]

A reasonable night's sleep at last... 11.30 to 7.30!
I'm still thinking about the whole thing, here and there, but I'm managing to tell myself it's not worth worrying about, and so the anxiety either goes away / doesn't build up / stays at 1/10 and then goes.
What's the worst that can happen? I feel afraid for a bit. Gosh. Some people pay good money for an adrenaline rush and I get it for free! And I also know I've got plenty of escape routes (tapping, distraction). That's not ideal... but it's better than nothing.

I'm not going to feel cured until I don't need escape routes, and these thoughts hardly ever pop into my head, or I don't feel any anxiety about it. Maybe that's a matter of time, maybe it will never happen completely, but I've got most of my life back for now, that's the main thing.

Funny thing is, I started feeling panicky today as I met a friend of mine and started walking along with him. I had to keep up, keep walking, it would be embarrassing to stop and say "hold on a minute I'm having a panic!". And this was my Type 1 sort of panic (the one I've had for years) rather than the anxiety one - although they're a bit similar in some ways.
But I ignored it, kept walking, focused on the conversation and felt fine within a minute. Didn't even occur to me again after that.

I had migraine-like flashing lights today, couldn't see properly and it felt like a Headache From Hell might be coming. I started worrying about whether a pain I couldn't get away from would worry me! At least that's fairly easily dismissed as something that's never been a problem before.

I can't say I've fully resolved The Great Choice that's been bothering me, but I have decided to choose a path, even if I'm not 100% sure of it, and make the best of things. The other path still tempts me, but it's never out of reach if things don't turn out well. The future can take care of itself. I'm feeling a lot happier about it, even if it hasn't filtered down into my subconscious yet (or it knows I'm still a bit uncertain). I feel like inwardly screaming to my subconscious "Look I've MADE A CHOICE AT LAST, now STOP BUGGING ME with all the anxiety stuff!"

Maybe Secret II is something like "If you're alert enough to panic, you DO have enough control of your thoughts to calm yourself down".

[dinkydoo]

Great to read of your story, your process, your recovery. It is very inspiring and I like your attitude and your strength. Well done to you.

[MessedUp]

Thanks dink!

Interesting day yesterday. I saw one of my closest friends for the first time since all this kicked off (he was away) and despite him knowing the bare facts from an email, he didn't even ask anything about it all. Nothing! Charming. It's not the first time either. Yet I know he cares in his own way, I've had evidence of that... but even so..!

Also yesterday I met up with someone who wants my help with some project - a brilliant hobby I got into this year. I'm all fired up about what fun it should be, sometime in the next few months, it should be the highlight of my year. It was all buzzing around my head so much all night I hardly slept a wink. I was lying there with 2/10 anxiety which was actually more excitement than anxiety - but it feels so similar I've lost the ability to tell the difference - if there is any. I couldn't imagine EFT tapping making any difference, and I wasn't worried about panics.. there was enough excitement in my thoughts that I wasn't worried in the slightest (well.. only very briefly here and there.. easily dismissed).

I must have had some sleep because I don't feel especially exhausted today. I think by the time you reach mid-life, nature gives you (especially parents) the ability to survive alright on less sleep.

I'm aware of some anxiety and shallow breathing today, but again it's simply not bothering me enough to worry about it. Magically I've got belief in myself again - priceless!

Merry Christmas and a panic-free 2008 everyone!

[MessedUp]

Sunday was a bit of a write-off as days go. Our Christmas plans lie in tatters as someone has decided at the last minute tht they don't want to come - and my Mum & Dad (both bundles of nerves too) are in bits. They were so looking forward to the first family Christmas for years with us all together, who knows it could be our last chance, and my dear sibling would rather upset everyone than come along.

Seeing my Mum & Dad stressed to tears was more than enough to make me a bit anxious. I was driving home at one point with a tight chest and shallow breathing, jelly legs, afraid of a setback and could I cope? Somehow I kept my composure and got home where I felt safe enough to busy myself with chores and relax.

It's not good to have safe and unsafe places - that leads to problems of its own - I'd rather keep things being all about me being happy in my own body & mind no matter where I am... but it's a lot easier to distract yourself from things when you're on your feet and free to move around. Sitting in a car, in heavy traffic, is a bit more hemmed in, even if there's the radio for distraction and other people in the car to talk to. I thought about having to pull over somewhere and get out of the car for a breather - which is possible - but embarrassing and I didn't want the kids to see me like that. So I battled on and kept a lid on things at 3 to 4 out of 10 - with the kind of thoughts that would normally give a couple of points more than that as far as how it would feel.

I'm still very much helped by the thought that things are fine if I calm myself down, and I have been mainly OK for several days now.

I managed some sleep... and here I am today a bit cheesed off about Christmas with empty seats and so many disappointed loved ones - but in a way it's good to have a genuine reason to be 'down' a bit! And at least there'll be less washing up to do

Have a good one.

[groovygranny]

Hi there MU,

Aint that such a bummer?
I've had to learn that when things like this happen, upsetting and aggravating as they may be, there's not a lot I can do except 'go with the flow' with what I've got. And you and your mum and dad will at least have the rest of the family to enjoy - but it is a shame that they're so, understandably, upset. Still, there'll be more Christmas pud to go round....and less washing up as you say!! Good to see you're holding on to a positive attitude despite this setback

I've been using your 'Stress-ometer' for a few days now - I was a whopping 8/10 this morning when I discovered the digital photo frame that my dahling hubby (in his wisdom!) had bought for my mother's Christmas present (over 3mnths ago )............doesn't work!!!! Back into a crowded city centre his morning to try and find another. No such luck....these items seem to be the 'must have's' for this Christmas.....nothing online either in the 'reserve and collect' department.

Ah well - I'm down to about a 5 now ......but it's bound to go up again when I get the inevitable "well, maybe you should have checked it out when you bought it!" comment from mother dear this afternoon !!!

Anyway, Festive Greetings to you and yours.....and well done for keeping to a 3 or 4 !!!!

Keep posting !!

[bac]

Hi

Keep on in there, The pills will calm down the panic feelings and may be enough to give you a bit of a boost of dampening down the symptoms.

Good luck
BAC

[chalky]

Hi Messedup,

Welcome to NMP.

Pills are not necessarily the answer but they may be part of the solution.
I took Meds for several years and,on balance,I believe they helped me through a very tough time.Of themselves,they were not a panacea or cure-all.
As a person with anxiety,I can be very prone to frustration and impatience.If it took years to get me into this situation why can I not be seen by Docs immediately and fixed immediately?
Learning to be patient is actually one of the cornerstones of my recovery.
When you feel impatient,never lose sight of what you have come through thus far,coping,however imperfectly.
Best wishes,
Chalky