All time low, don't think I can take much more!

[breeze25]

Everytime I look at my 8 year old son, I feel so guilty for the way I am, I have such a sweet caring boy who deserves so much better, not to mention my hubby who seems to love me no matter what (although he does struggle with my anxiety especially my health anxiety)

I started taking meds a few months ago and felt so much better, now I feel as though I am on the ropes again. I found a lump on my jawline and panicked went to the doctors who told be it was probably a swollen lymph node due to having a cold and should go down shortly, and to come back after xmas if its not gone and then can start doing tests, well it didn't go and I have managed to wind myself up about it, the last few days I feel sick, and my dizziness has come back, I am thinking about it constantly, I have that disorientated feeling like I am going through the motions and not quite in my body (if that makes sense) I really thought I was starting to beat this, but its getting worse.

I get something wrong with me and manage to wind myself up and then it turns out to be something easily treatable, but each time I am relieved and think why do I do it to myself, then something else happens and the whole cycle starts again, I was supposed to be watching a film with my hubby and son, but I started to feel sick watching the film as my mind was wandering so much, I just want to be a good wife and mother, and feel as though I am losing the plot. Just feel so sad and useless at the moment.

[jojomgeeee]

i feel exactly the same way i'm a father and I get those guilty feelings myself its sucks....but your kids and family love you regardless and hopefully we'll all pull thru.....but it does stink

[Pink Panic]

Hi Mev

When I read you saying you felt sad and useless at the mo, i thought snap, so do i!
I saw my CPN today and explained to her how i was feeling and she said this time of year is particularly bad for those of us with Mental Health problems as there seems to be this image where everything is perfect and that's just not reality.
I too feel guily that i can't be a "proper" mum to my 10 year old or a "proper" partner to my fella who loves and supports me whatever i'm feeling. The last few days have been hell anx wise and i too have been dizzy and feeling sick, unable to eat and to top it all i had my time of the month too! I have been trying to convince my self that i'm not going back to square one where i couldn't get over the door step and yet last week i was out Cmas shopping with barely any anx.
Like you i can't relax either and my mind wanders off and i have no concentration.
The advice i was given by my CPN is to try and not put pressure on myself, relax and not worry as it's only added stress at this time of year and it will settle. All this is easier said than done i know but hey we have to believe we can beat it
I hope this is a little help to you and to know that others are feeling exactly the same way.

Take care
Pink
x

[breeze25]

thanks for your replies, they help me so much.

[dinkydoo]

What is a proper parent anyway? As long as your child is safe and warm and feels loved then they will be fine. And I am sure despite your troubles you make him feel loved. I have the same concerns. My children see me all low and weepy, but they also see lots of other good experiences.
Dont put too high an expectation on yourself.
YOur child will be fine. Reassure him often that you love him, and he will be fine. xxxx

[dinkydoo]

As for the film thing I get the same, lol, so annoying, missed many an ending where I am panicking instead.
I am going through a neurotic phase at the moment, it will pass, as will yours,we need to try to focus outwardly not on ourselves. Hard I know but thats the key.
Take care.

[chalky]

Hi Mev,
Nothing in your thread would make me think that you have anything to feel guilty about.If it were your best friend in this case,you would no doubt be sympathetic,patient and caring.Why should that not apply to you?You are fortunate to have a loving and supportive partner and a wonderful child.Count your blessings.Believe that you will get better.
We all have down periods.You can and will emerge from this one.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[breeze25]

thanks guys I guess your right, I sat my son down today and told him I loved him, he said I know mum you tell me every day, I love you too, we have a lovely chat and it got round to 5 things that he loves about me, and t was silly little things that I thought never realy mattered, but it did to him. So thats one less thing to worry about.

Thanks