Control.....letting go

[Lilith1980]

Hi all,

Thought I would share as this is something I have been thinking about over the holidays and its running round my head so I need to let it out!

I suffered with anorexia and bullimia for 4 years up until a couple of years ago. Although I have mainly stopped engaging in the behaviours (restricting or binging and purging) the psychological reasons behind it haven't really left me. If I feel particularly anxious I do tend to be more wary of food and don't eat as much as I should. But I still force myself to eat something because I know going down that route again would not help me.

The eating disorder was my way of wanting to be in control of how much I weighed/how I looked. I still have problems comprehending that people do, or will like me regardless of whether I have a flat stomach or not. They will like me for ME.

My problem with this is that as humans we tend to judge on looks in terms of first impressions. I have been guilty of that, or maybe I do it because I am so preoccupied with the whole looks thing in the first place. I dont like this aspect of human nature. I dont want people to judge me just because of how I look. The problem is, no matter how much I kept control of my weight, it didnt work, I never liked myself any better and even now I think people don't like me. So it can't just be down to the fact I may have a bit of excess fat here and there. But I know deep down its not people having a problem with me, its ME having a problem with me and assuming others feel the same.

When I used to make myself ill, it was a release. It was a physical way of getting rid of the feelings I had inside me - self-hate, disgust, anger. And for a short while after each purging incident, I would be calm. But towards the end, it didnt help anymore and I felt like I was going crazy.

I know I am rambling. I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today. First day back in work, not really recovered fully from my cold and a weird new year. I dont feel like I fit in here, I moved to the Midlands from London and although I have some lovely friends, I feel alone. I need to make my own friends here really. My b/f and I share the same mates so when he wants to go out with them on his own, I am left indoors with no one to see. So I'm going to make more of an effort to meet new people.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was, that the more I thought I was in control with watching my weight, and the more I thought I could supress my feelings by engaging in those behaviours, the more out of control I became. Someone once said that "you think you are in control of the disease, but it is controlling you. You have to let go to regain control".

I liken this to my anxiety now. I have stopped the eating disorder behaviours, but there is nothing to "control" my anxiety anymore or keep it in check. I guess anorexia was my crutch. My only coping mechanism now is to try and control things around me to minimise the upset to myself. But the more I try and control these things, the more out of control I become and I end up messing with my own head.

Maybe it is time that I stopped trying to control things which I can't control anyway. If things are going to happen they will do, and no amount of me trying to prevent them will help. I may delay things, but if they are destined to happen, they will. Maybe it is time for me to let go, and regain control of myself. But its scary to let go...just like it was scary to let go of my eating disorder. But I got through that, so maybe I should try the same here

It should be exciting.....the whole "no knowing" of life. Not knowing what will happen from one day to the next. My constant fear is of being hurt and let down and I try to control events in the hope this wont happen. I cannot keep on doing that.....if it is going to happen then it will, but I shouldnt be "on the edge" all the time, waiting for it to happen. I could wait my whole life and it might not happen. My fear of being let down stems from it happening in the past and I now believe that I deserved this in a way and deserve to be let down forever more.

I dont think of myself as a good person, I have low self esteem so I'm not sure what should come first:-

Do I let go of the control whilst I still feel so down about myself and my worries of how I might be treated, or do I work on my self esteem until I am strong enough to let go.

Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to get these things out of my head

[MessedUp]

Why do you think you're not a good person? You write better than many people, for starters!
The self-esteem needs tackling first, I reckon. Are there any hobbies or interests you could devote yourself to, or voluntary work that would give you a sense of achievement and bring you into contact with positive people?
all the best, take care

[chalky]

Hi Lilith,

Thank you for posting this thread.
Whilst I have been sober for nine years,I am and will be alcoholic for the rest of my days.Someone once explained to me:-"The man takes a drink,the drink takes the man,the drink takes a drink."
I was locked in to a spiral of ever more dangerous,destructive behaviour.
Looking back now my behaviour as an alcoholic appals me and the changes which I have made to my behaviour should enable me to avoid a repeat-or worse.
Things which I did then,I would not consider doing now.I have had to "learn" a whole new way of living.
This has obviously taken time,effort and also a good support network.
We tend to get very frustrated with ourselves and yearn for quick recovery.Yet,we forget that, in some cases,it has taken decades of problems to bring things to a head.
Realising how powerless we are to control the "big picture" is a positive step.What people think of me is not as important today as it was a year ago but there are times when it becomes important again-usually when I am feeling low.This is not just co-incidence.This is my head going back to where it was once comfortably, uncomfortable-(the old me).
I am able to deal with this more easily today because I understand what it is and where it comes from and have LEARNT not to dwell on it.
The reality of our lives is that we are good people who have health problems.If we are patient with ourselves, determined and keep things simple,life can and will get better.
Sometimes when we least feel like it,we have to force ourselves to do things to combat our illness.Taking up a new interest/hobby can sound daunting but is more often than not rewarding.
What alternative do we have other than to fight this?
When did we ever really have control anyway?
We get up on a daily basis and give of our best to that day and that is it.Simple.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[Lilith1980]

Hi guys

Thank you for your replies.

Messedup - well I guess my "hobby" is to get moving on setting myself up as a freelance composer. I have received my grant and now just have to buy some materials and get marketing myself. I want to do this more than anything, but my moods "put me off" doing it as I feel like there is no point as the thought of "failing" worries me.

But I will do it, I am going to email the stationers and order my head paper etc this week.

I have this to concentrate on which should be enough. I also have the my wedding to sort out. Just need to get a few final things sorted - I have 8 months to do this so no rush but right now I cant be bothered facing it. Sounds terrible really.

I think my life would be a lot easier if I let go. I just see my life as being such a dark place sometimes. I know that sounds dramatic but that's how I feel sometimes.

Chalky, I agree its a case of taking things one day at a time. My problem is I try to do too much at once and I want things to be sorted straight away rather than being patient. Time to exercise patience I think

[Bill]

Hello Lilith,

It sounds to me that because you're feeling low, you're experiencing a lot of self-doubt and so you're questioning and analysing your thoughts too much.

When you had anorexia and bullimia, you were using the behaviour patterns as a coping mechanism but now you're trying to find a new and better way of coping but when you're low, maybe you feel lost as to which is the best way to move forward.

You used the behaviours so you felt in control, like you say as a release, like someone uses self harm but the release also creates a barrier because the feelings aren't being dealt with. They're being blocked out and relieved without dealing with them so the anxiety is then controlling you rather than vice versa.

We cannot control everything and everyone in our lives. We have to let go and throw our feelings into the wind rather than locking them up or attempting to block them from affecting us because in doing so we create anxious feelings.

In a way OCD is also a coping mechanism. We repeat actions to attempt to block anxious feelings without dealing them by letting them go through us so the anxiety builds up inside and so the anxiety controls us and makes us feel even more ill.

My own feeling on your question is that in a way each has a knock on effect with the other but one is no more important than the other. If you lower your barriers and let people think what they like, and learn to not let it matter then your self-confidence will build and so will your self esteem. If you keep barriers up in all aspects of your life then anxiety will always control you. However, you can build your self esteem in other ways as the others have suggested which in turn will make you feel stronger.

I actually think that you're overanalysing because you're feeling low. Ease up on yourself and be less intense. Let what will be - be, and try not to worry so much by taking one day at a time.

If people let you down, it's because the fault is within them because we all know what a Good person you Are. You need to learn to believe the Good in you that people tell you about yourself. You blame yourself Far too much for others failings and I worry that because you think so little of yourself and so everything is your fault, that others will use it to their advantage because they will feel they will never be blamed for their faults, because to blame them would mean you feeling guilt or bad about yourself adding to your low self esteem.

You need to build your self confidence so you don't create self doubts and so believe more in Yourself because you are a Good person who always does their Best.

[Paddington]

dear Lileth i am so glad you wrote this post.lord i knew we had things in common but this well it is such a relief to hear my thoughts coming from someone else if you catch my drift..anorexia is not my tool of choice to harm myself..but compulsive eating then starving is.I am now a huge 17 stoner I too have control probs..i have no self esteem and am dogged by failure when i do try..so i dont try anymore just sit and day dream my life away..and you are musical too i used to write songs[folk mainly]and sing and write poetry..oh us tortured artists aye!I sent a plea out on a diet thread on here but think this more the kind of thread to help ..folk like you and chalky..well everyone who has problems with food or drink,drugs self harm of any kind really..i think we can help each other..sooo any pointers from any one else i would be sooo grateful as today is a very bad day fro me and as Lil said..a dark place to be ..well done again on the volunteering Lilith.Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[bluebottle]

Have you thought about Over Eaters Anonymous Paddington? Its a common problem for many people.