The need to be liked

[Bill]

This seems to have cropped up a lot lately so I had a think and this is what I came up with. Whether it's accurate or covered everything I can't say because they're just my thoughts but maybe to someone, something somewhere within this will make some sense.

We tend to have a sensitive nature and so try to avoid emotional hurt. This is so intense that it creates a fear of being hurt and so when we are hurt we find it hard to deal with.

I suspect that this fear of hurt stems from many causes. When we were young, people who were close to us may have let us down, they may have left us for unavoidable reasons causing us a fear of abandonment. We may have been left on our own for long periods or belittled so felt unloved or received a lack of love and attention. I’m sure there are other causes.

All these things would create a lack of self esteem so to prevent us feeling hurt and alone we do our best to please others so they won’t hurt and leave us. However, hurt cannot be avoided but because of our low self esteem that has been created, when we do feel hurt we automatically assume the fault lies with us rather than it being unavoidable or that the fault lies with the person who has hurt us.

We doubt ourselves because of our insecurities, thinking that we did something wrong so we’re not liked. We start thinking we must be a bad person so don’t deserve to be liked. We feel rejected, blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for being a failure. Sometimes it develops into thinking we must punish ourselves so it can lead to self harming because we feel such a bad person but the self harming also relieves the hurt we feel. However, the relief doesn’t last long so it becomes a frequent habit. The hurt we feel can later lead to resentment and bitterness which will affect us as we grow older.

Sometimes people will take advantage of our kind nature because they know we won’t attach blame to them as we always see the blame within us because of our fear that if we accuse them they’ll walk away leaving us to cope alone.

Yes, we have to build our self esteem and our self confidence so that we don’t feel so insecure but one other important thing to remember is that if we always try to please others to avoid hurt, we will never find out who our “genuine” friends are. Those who aren’t genuine will continue to use us and one day walk away leaving us hurt.

If we lower our barriers, confront others when we feel hurt without feeling guilt, the genuine people will always come back providing us with a stronger sense of security. Those who don’t come back aren’t worth worrying about. Remember the saying “we find out who our friends are when we’re in need”.

Try not to allow the fear of hurt prevent us from releasing our feelings in a positive way rather than inwardly on ourselves. If we don’t release the feelings outwardly, they create anxiety within us and all the associated symptoms such as panic. Don’t let the fear of being abandoned or being let down keep us in solitude assuming all will treat us as those before and so prevent us from attempting to make new friends because genuine friends can always be found especially within people who understand us who have similar fears.

If we always try to avoid being disliked, we will never discover our genuine friends and so we could be used, we will continue to live in fear of hurt which will add to our anxieties and when we are hurt, we’ll never learn to deal with the hurt in a positive way without always looking for bad in us and punishing ourselves. Our fear of hurt will create a situation where we’re more liable to being hurt. Our fear will control us in an endless cycle of hurt and so we’ll keep blaming ourselves until we break it.

However much we try to always be liked by others, living will always mean losing people but we need to learn who we can trust and who we can seek comfort from in times of need by letting go of those who hurt us without the hurt they’ve caused affecting us, whether the hurt was deliberate or unavoidable.

If we attempt to keep control of ensuring we’re always liked so that we don’t lose people, we will create anxiety within us because our fear of hurt will not enable us to deal with it positively when it unavoidably happens and so will prevent us building our low self esteem and therefore keep our anxieties alive.

[Lindalou64]

ANOTHER GOOD THREAD BILL SO TRUE.GIVES EVERYONE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AHH IN CLUDING MYSELF.....LINDA XX

[Lilith1980]

Hey Bill I totally relate to this thread.

I met up with a few friends yesterday and I made a real effort to not concern myself with what they felt about me. At first, I was a bit concerned and my perception was that all of them didnt want me there.

But I sat and told myself I have no proof of this, they are all talking to me and we're having a good time. I have no reason to think any different. And even if some of them might not like me, what does it matter in the grand scheme of things.

And you know what, I felt so much more positive and my perception of how they felt changed throughout the evening. I felt more relaxed and in turn, my worries about what they thought of me dwindled.

I feel more positive now. Now that I am making a real effort not to worry about what people think, I am feeling better about myself as I am releasing that burden. I'm sure there will be "down" days again but I have to keep challenging why I feel these things. I have no proof, and even so, what matters is that I like myself.

Its strange what the mind can do isn't it, and how powerful it is over us, if we let it be xxxx

[Bill]

The mind is much more powerful than we realise. Sometimes we learn thought patterns without even realising it and when we start experiencing anxiety symptoms, we can't see the actual causes because the mind is distracting us with the symptoms so we feel "ill" when we're not. Our mind has actually created those symptoms by the way we react to fear through our negative thought patterns!

By simply changing how we think, we can "cure" our anxiety. As you say Lilith.....Its strange what the mind can do isn't it, and how powerful it is over us, if we let it be xxxx

[Meewah]

Hi bill

Thanks for sharing this.
Do you not think that ironically this analysis of the human mind might be why we are here in the first place.
If we did not analyse our thoughts this much we would not be in the situation we all are.
Could it be that we are all incredibly intelligent people with mundane lives. No daily struggle but our internal thought process to occupy us. This might answer the question " why psychologists and psychiatrists have troubled minds, most have issues themselves which they externalise and apply to others" May be we all need more life struggles again like in third world countries who starngley have the lowest mental illness.

Please do not internalise what I have said here I am just turning it on its head. I enjoy thinking laterally.

Mee

[Bill]

Hello Mee,
That's fair comment and very true. I agree with what you're saying.

Man creates a lot of new inventions because Man is "lazy" but this modern world takes away our primitive ways of just finding ways to survive each day.

As you say, if our minds had to think about survival, we wouldn't have time to analyse our fears. Modern society creates alot of our mental health problems such as working in large call centres. It's a new world but one we have trouble adjusting to.

I agree with what you're saying.

[PUGLETMUM]

hi bill and all, just going slightly off tangent here but also linked maybe (more so to what meewah said) is the book i read last week in a few days as i couldnt put it down, it is called AFFLUENZA and its by oliver james. its not about wanting to be liked but it is about why we who have everything in western society are still so unhappy, and its well worth a read. i agree with what you say bill about being liked, and i think its a symptom when your really not sure of yourself. the stronger you feel in personal relationships, where you accept the good and bad in yourself as well as everyone else then i think you get on better in life, people react to you differently and you react to others and situations differently - basically it helps when how you feel is no longer tied up with what other people think. emma

[lorac]

All my life I have felt the need to be liked by people and have always looked for approval in everything I did, I used to do things just to please everyone else around me. When I look back and think of the things I have done for others I see that I took on alot of stress that did not belong to me. Recovering now from anxiety I can see that it doesn't matter what others think of you it's what you see in yourself that really matters and I sometimes wonder where all those people were when I needed help.

I have learned that the people who truley care will stay with you whether you please them or not and you don't need their approval because they don't judge you.

Carol

[Meewah]

All my life I have felt the need to be liked by people and have always looked for approval in everything I did, I used to do things just to please everyone else around me. When I look back and think of the things I have done for others I see that I took on alot of stress that did not belong to me. Recovering now from anxiety I can see that it doesn't matter what others think of you it's what you see in yourself that really matters and I sometimes wonder where all those people were when I needed help.

I have learned that the people who truley care will stay with you whether you please them or not and you don't need their approval because they don't judge you.

Carol

I think I remember a good quotation:-
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

Mee