Not sure if this is OCD

[Gaffertape]

I was in the midst of a creative void in my life, and it seems like I focused all of my energy on two work friendships last summer. We spent a great deal of time together - even outside of work - and enjoyed each others' company immensely. Alas it seems that I made them more important than anything else in my life. After some time they approached me to indicate that I was just being 'a bit too much ' so I tried to back off, but then found myself analyzig every conversation and interactiom, and my behavior became even more odd.

I was called out for my behavior on two different occasions, but, alas, I didn't seem to grow a lot because of it.

I'm now at a point where one girl won't even speak to me and the other is just cold business. I sent them an email a month ago stating my seriousness n getting help for my problem, but no resonse has been forthcoming. I laid out gudelnes in my email about how I would keep my distance and just let things progress.

But it's been a month, and I'm frustrated beyond belief.

Each workday is a new world of pain as I experience their coldness.

I don't know how to move forward when I've opted to tie my own hands.

GAFF

[sal]

Hi Gaff

It isnt easy what you are going through and i have no magic answers. You need to remember how you feel some people wont understand, i have lost many people for needing them too much and i know realise it is simply due to ignorance. Not that they intend to be like that but they simply dont recognise or understand how you feel.

I appreciate how hard it is but you carry on been you and hopefully they will eventually appreciate how hard this has been for you.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[Karen]

Hi Gaff

I have had a tendency to get too close to certain people and become too clingy. This can make me seem too intense and some people back away from that. I know that these friendships are always more important to me than they are to the other person involved.

Do you have other friends that you see and can go out with. What about family? What kind of support do you have?

It isn't easy when people back away and I know that it hurts a lot. There isn't really anything you can do about the friends you feel you have lost. However, what can help is to try to make lots of different friends and contacts so you don't became too dependent on any one person. This isn't always easy as I know from experience, but I think is may be a way of preventing similar situations in the future.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Gaffertape]

I have a good support network of friends, but my problem built these two girls to superimportant levels, so their loss has been devastating.

Its very hard to go to work each day, seeing them give me the cold shoulder when we used to be so close.

I've placed a lot of pressure on my fiancee and on several other friends, who are sympathetic, but I think they're all getting a bit sick of my problem. I'm aware that friendships come and go - I've lost many friends in my time - but I'm finding this extremely hard, now that its been a solid month of no communication, and I have to keep going back into that hell. The term 'clingy' is dead-on. I needed constant reassurance that the friendships were in good shape, and ironically that's what damaged them to such a degree. They could have replied to my email with a definite 'no chance', but instead I received no reply at all. I'm doing everything I can to make things better, but the waiting for some kind of response is pretty unbearable.

gaff

[jeannie]

HI Gaff,
I know exactly what you mean. It is so horrible getting so attached to people and wanting them to answer your mail or call or be as attached as you are.
I have a very close net of friends, where I function perfectly alright. However, I also get very attached to certain people. I have no idea how this happens, no idea why and no idea how I could advise you, but it happens.
I get very frustrated and try and calm myself down, but it just isn't possible.
It all has something to do with being left. We are so afraid of losing certain people that we seem to get really attached which obviously makes it just all the more difficult. It's our self-esteem that seems to do this. You probably sit there ruminating from mornings till evenings. You can't break out of it and just get more and more frustrated.
I now try to sort this problem out by saying, "THis is only your OCD, which is playing tricks on you. These people still like you and they still want you around."
My OCD makes me go into full gear when someboday says they like me. For example when someone says to me that I'M a good person and I like this person who has said this, then I completely give gas in my mind. I think about it constantly up until a point where I don't believe this person could have said anything like this. I seem to panic that it isn't true. We then seem to get attached because of this. WE want to "check" whether the person does still like us or not.
I know how difficult it is, but try and tell yourself that this is only your mind playing tricks on you.
I seem to have written a bit of a muddle here, but I hope you can understand what I'M trying to say.

Jeannie

[Gaffertape]

Thanks for the replies - I'm glad I found this forum, because now at least I know that my situation isn't unique.

Jeannie, I'd like to think that these people will want me back as friends, but unfortunately I have no way of knowing if that's the case.

They could have responded to my email with a complete negative, and perhaps even returned some of the things I've lent to them from time to time. To get no answer at all, however, leaves me in a really nasty state of limbo.

I've tied my own hands, and am giving them complete space - the only contact now is strictly professional and work related. I'm not allowing myself to talk to them about anything on a social level, or even more importantly, about my condition. I suppose in a way, this is my own form of behavior therapy - exposure to the problem, but stopping myself from saying what I'm dying to say.

The paxil may be helping me to cry less than I was a month ago, but unfortunately, nothing stops the emotions that I feel. Like you said - the loss and the hurt. And of course, I have to go back to work five days a week and face their coldness, just praying (and I'm not a religious man) that one of these days things will improve.

I'm fully aware that I'll be of no good to them as a friend until I sort myself out, but its hard to get there when I'm forever worrying about whether they'll speak to me again.

I've tried to be angry with them, but the worst I can muster is a feeling of disappointment. The worst thing that could have been said of my behavior is that I was a bit of a pain in the arse with them at work, but nothing close to harrassment, and nothing of a sexual connetation; these are just friends.

Friends come and go, but because I made these two so important, their loss is overwhelming.

Thanks to all for writing.

GAFF

[jeannie]

Hello Gaff,
Let me try and give you an example of my behaviour towards certain people.
I'm English but live in Germany and have done for many years now. Somehow I got into working on the internet and doing English corrections for a big German website who were helping German children with their English.
I used to help them by correcting their webpage and exercises. I would do a correction and then send it to England to have it checked, because I was petrified of making mistakes and MY mistakes being online. Anyway to cut a very long story short I would then send off my corrections which I'd double-checked (more than double-checked) and would then mail back and forwards to this woman whose site it was. Sometimes I really panicked, because I would find another mistake in my correction and would send off another mail saying they had to take my correction offline straight away because of the mistake. This happened so many times and I got so attached to these two people that I really got to be quite a nuisance and was eventually "sacked". Why I got so attached to them, I will never know. It seems to be a certain type of person - usually people who are very dominant. Anyway I tried to write and explain things which were so unimportant and made a complete fool of myself. I eventually gave up, because I'd never felt so small in all my life. I then started up my own webpage and now help loads of german kids to learn the English language. I work with other people, too, in my forum, but try very hard not to get too attached. However, I don'T get attached because it really has to be a certain type of person.
I'M now learning in the therapy to sort this all out. Well actually we are trying to sort my OCD out, but this is one of my problems, too. I obviously am very attached to my therapist, too, but I'm coping quite well. Because I'm terrified that he might not like me any more I start to get clingy, but I'm learning not to do this as much as I used to. I tell myself that he still likes me and that it is only my OCD telling me that I need to doubt this.
I know just how you feel, Gaff, but let me tell you this. The moment you let those "friends" of yours go, the better you will feel. You must let go though.
I know it's tormenting, but you will feel way better once you do this.

Best wishes,
Jeannie

[Gaffertape]

Dominant, you say. That's interesting, because these two girls are very strong-willed individuals. Perhaps these being qualities I lack, I am drawn to them.

They also appear to be classic 'avoiders' of situations, wheras I like to have problems solved instantly; I lack patience, therefore this waiting period is particularly hard on me.

You're one of many people who has advised me to just let them go, and I know in many ways its the hope of reconciliation that's painful, but I can't seem to do it just yet.

Then again, if the current status quo continues for much longer, I don't see that I'll have any choice.

Its very difficult to walk around here with a big cheezy smile on my face, when inside I'm agonizing.

Gaff

[jeannie]

Hello Gaff,
the people who I get attached to are really dominant people who I really try to please. I will go on my knees to apologize for things I haven't done if I think they're mad at me. I will always forgive them and behave in a bizzar way[:I][:I]
My best friend just couldn't believe it when she first noticed me doing this. She then tried to make me see sense, especially as the people who I'd worked for online had only used me for their own wellfare.
I agreed with my friend but I couldn't accept that people were only using me and tried even harder to get through to these people that I wasn't as bad as they thought[:O]
My friend carried on telling me what she thought - very gently - and eventually after a few months I gave up. I gave these people up because they were quite probably just amusing themselves at my cost.
AFter making the break from them I really and honestly did start to feel much better, although I just couldn't imagine this ever happening. Of course I don't see them and you do.
Show these two people how strong you are and just work normally with them and really try and give them up, because you can worry and think and do all sorts but you won't achieve what you want.
Do believe me that I know how hard this is.

Best wishes,
Jeannie

[Gaffertape]

Jeannie - I can't tell you how helpful it's been to find a network like this. I've read several books on OCD and a dozen online articles, but until now I hadn't seen anything that connected to an obsession with friendships.

I fear I may have made a mis-step today when I followed up on an email to Girl 1 I sent last Friday just to confirm a setup. The event isn't until Thursday (and its just Tuesday) so perhaps I should have waited, but I felt like I should clarify the setup well prior to the event.

I have no way of knowing if that was a bad call or not.

At least Girl 1 will acknowledge my "good mornings" and "hi's", but Girl 2 opts to act like I don't even exist. I feel like I'm 14 years old in highschool all over again.

Because of our past encounters, I'm well aware that they know that leaving me in a state of unknowing is absolutely the worst thing they can do to me. They appear to be classic avoiders, while I wan't problems solved instantly, or at the very least want the opportunity to talk them out.

So although my faults are many - I should have taken this problem more seriously some time ago - they seem to be enganging in a level of cruelty that (so I had thought) seemed beyond them. Girl 2 has a brother who suffers from serious panic attcks (as did I some years back) and I would have hoped that some understanding would come from that direction.

I do understand that letting them go would be my best remedy, but because I haven't gained any kind of certain finality from them, I still cling to the hope that something - even if its a tenth - can be salvaged,

Gaff