Not sure if this is OCD

[bluebottle]

Gaff,

You can't influence how people feel, you can only change how you feel. These people have a right to behave as they do and although you don't like it you have to accept it and move on. You have an illness, your not a bad person and any mistakes made in the past by you or anyone else need learning from and putting away. Concentrate on other things, fill your spare time with something you enjoy doing and that makes you "really" feel good. I understand you just want to put things right but the best way to do that is to be polite in passing to these people and keep your distance. If they eventually become less distant to you, good, if they don't so what? You will have behaved well and be proud of that fact.

The "certain finality" you are looking for exists in you. You can accept the past as the past, and end it there. Today you can begin the rest of your life having learnt a valuable lesson and as a wiser man.

Talk to us Gaff, tell us your feelings, we care and understand.

Regards,

Blue
--
This Years Love - David Gray -
If you love me got to know for sure, Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies

[jeannie]

Hi Gaff,
What you are looking for is to put things right again and you just won't be able to do this, because it is the OCD which is trying to "make" you put things right again, so you aren't a "bad person".
As Blue has already stated, you aren't a bad person. How often do I think I must be a "bad person" although it just isn't true. I know this isn't true, but my OCD continues to challenge me on this subject. It continually throws me into bouts of uncertainty and emotional fears.
OCD is about "obsessions" and you can have all different types of "obsessions". It is a horrible illness to have, because rationally you knonw that you're behaving unreasonably, but you can't do anything about it.
My husband often says he would love me to have other obsessions
SOmehow or other people who have a very low esteem always have the feeling they have to put things right and sort problems out and have nobody "cross" with them.
Do you realise how much you will be respected if you behave differently?
Let me tell you something. I told you I have a website and a forum. Now I work with another girl there and she is very confident and does the things that I don't like to do - i.e she tells people to behave when they're messing around.. Well, anyway the forum is three years old and just to please everybody I would let people behave like they wanted. I was always scared of saying something wrong to the people who work with me. Well last week an American man came and asked me if he could work with me as a moderator in my forum. I said he sure could, but there were a number of rules which he had to abide by. I listed them and sent him the letter off. I have never, ever been so "dominant" in all my life, but I want a smooth running Forum. Anyway this chap wrote back and said he'd love to give it a try and you know what???? He's really trying to do everything right and trying to please me. I've never ever had anybody wanting to please me like this before. It all comes down to the fact that I took on a resonsibility and stuck to it and my rules. I was suddenly "respected". It makes a great difference.
Carry on writing and letting us know how you're getting on, because I know just what you're going through.

Take care,
Jeannie

[Gaffertape]

I know full well that what's holding me back is my refusal to give up on these friendships, or at least the hope that something can be salvaged.

I've put the ball completely in their court. I'd love to email them to indicate that I've been diagnosed and am on meds, but I think that its better if I wait for them to make any move. My plan is to let them see that my behaviour at work has completely changed.

I know it would be easier for me to consider that their non-response from my email a month ago meant that things are done forever, but the fact is, I just don't know that for sure.

I've tried to throw myself into something creative (because I'm quite sure that the lack of that was what caused this in the first place) but I can't seem to focus on anything but this issue. I want my friends back, or at least some semblance of polite comraderie.

I know that's something I cannot just make happen, nor can any third party. Its just up to them.

Yes - I know its up to me to find the strength within myself to move on no matter what transpires. Heck - these people have only been close friends of mine since June of 2004.

Its just a damn hard road to travel.

Thanks to everyone for your support here. It helps me to rant, and it means even more when I get responses from people who actually understand this goofiness.

Gaff

[Karen]

Hi Gaff

I know it is incredibly hard to let go and I was in a similar situation with the last person I was attached to. My attachment to her began when I was 16 and had lasted for a number of years, despite the fact that I hadn't actually seen her in all that time. I had been writing to her regularly and couldn't let go even though she replied perhaps only two or three times in all those years.

The situation came to a head last year when she wrote to a friend of mine and asked her to get me to leave her alone. I felt so ashamed of the way I had acted and my depression returned again. I felt total despair at losing her and still clung on to some hope that if I could change maybe she would still want to know me. I also wanted the closure that you talk about. I haven't had any contact with her since then.

Unfortunately I headed straight in to a similar situation with the person I feel so attached to now. I'm lucky this time in that she knows all about my obsession with her and she is a trained therapist so doesn't take my behaviour seriously and tells me that she knows it is the obsession causing me to do things to get her attention, and she can separate my behaviour from me as a person.

However, I still get terribly upset at not hearing from her and also now obsess that she might have been hurt which causes me to act on compulsions to check on her safety. Despite knowing that this is total nonsense and completely irrational, it doesn't stop the thoughts and anxiety.

I joined an OCD board because I wasn't sure this is OCD either. I had never heard of OCD involving obsessing about a person. The general consensus there was that it is OCD.

You are not a bad person and it is true what Jeannie has said. You need to separate the obsessive behaviour from you as a person. Tell yourself that it is the obsession causing you to think and behave in these ways. This is an illness and you are not to blame.

Have you had any counselling for this? I've just started seeing a new therapist who was actually recommended to me by this lady I have these feelings for.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[sal]

Gaff

Might sound harsh and very simple but to me after many hurtful events through so called friends. The ones that love you and care will be there whatever you expect from them. True friends are hard to find and losing them hurts more, but a true friend you wouldnt lose.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[jeannie]

Hi everyone

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yes - I know its up to me to find the strength within myself to move on no matter what transpires. Heck - these people have only been close friends of mine since June of 2004.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

This is the ideocy of it all[:X]
That was always the same with me, too. I hardly knew the people and was so obsessionally attached to them that it made me sick. I have other friends - really good friends - but this doesn't happen with them. There nust be sómething about these people which triggers and sets us off.
However, like Karen said we don't seem to be able to let go of old friends either if we were very attached to them.

Obsessions only start to come when we feel the neccesstiy to check things thoroughly. If we're scared of something and feel we might loose it. So really we can obsess about any old thing.

I'm hoping that my medication that I started five weeks ago will help me to stop being the way I am.
I also think that because my therapist lets me act the way I do with him - like Karen and her friend - that it is helping me to understand the mechanism behind all this.

Perhaps the more we talk about it the more we may realise just what is going on and making us function the way we are doing.

Whatever it is, every time you feel the impuls to write to the girls, Gaff, tell yourself that this is only the OCD which wants you to do this. It might help you to calm down a little and take things a bit easier. I've been trying this for a couple of days now and it is really difficult but I'm sure it will help in the long run.

This thread has actually helped me, too, because now I also know that I'm not the only person who can obsess about people.
Take care,
Jeannie

[Gaffertape]

This forum has truly become a lifeline, and I thank you all deeply for your responses.

I spoke to one of the girls today briefly about a work question and I think I saw sadness in her eyes. I don't know if it was sadness about this situation or perhaps just the awkwardness she felt in speaking to me. I don't want to read too much into this obviously, but it gave me a weak hope.

I'm going to try to imagine that it's two years ago, when I just knew these two people as aquaintances. Obviously the situation is far more tense now then it was then, but really, the lack of contact was about the same. Well, and one of them still spoke to me.

One OCD book I read said that people with OCD are unlikely to be addicts because of the inflated responsibility OCDers often feel. Alas, I have turned to alcohol as a big retreat, and that, in turn is hurting my fiancee, the one person on this earth who loves me more than any other. She's still in contact with Girl 1, and I don't want to influence their friendship in any way, though obviously I'm dying to use that route as a way to make things right again. I've promised myself, and her, that I will not manipulate their relationship for my gain. If Girl 1 brings up the subject, then so be it. Otherwise, things will just remain as is.

At least I know that I've tied my hands to the point where I absolutely cannot make things any worse than they are. Only professional work contact at this point, and I, as a rule, stay away from them. The smoking area at work is the loading dock, and I told them in my email a month ago that I would steer free of that area, and I have held to that. Of course, that means I now smoke in the outdoor parking lot, and in a Canadian February and March, that is no small feat.

I think the paxil has had some effect. Either that or the natural grieving process has let me cry less than I did a few weeks back. I have other pills to take during the day (lorazepam) which are somewhat relaxing, but reallly - nothing exists that cuts off emotion does it?

Its a vicious cycle. I know that the only thing to do is give up hope of these friendships coming back and just move on in a positive manner. I'm aware that a positive outlook is more likely to make me more personable and perhaps restore these friendships on an off chance.

But to give up hope just is so damn difficult. Ten minutes don't go by where I don't struggle over what they're thinking or saying.

One therapist I saw (not my regular) recommended that I end these friendships myself. I was horrified. Why kill all hope when I don't know if the situation is hopeless. I understand that it might be empowering, but really - all that would do is cement the current condition (which is a waking hell).

I'm only seeing my regular psychotherapist about once a month at this point. She seems to think that I've moved along pretty well, and I guess when one looks at the week I took off of work where I completely broke down, she's right. I seem to have moved into a classic depression stage at the moment, feeling terribly sorry for myself and constantly beating myself up for my faults.

Its weird that generally I'm an outgoing kind of guy. I love public speaking, graduated from the Second City program, have done stand-up comedy, but inside, clearly I'm as insecure as hell.

I do need to concentrate on my fiancee's feeling though, as she's been tremendous through this ordeal, but I'm taking my toll. Its just so tough acting all day at work - pretending that all is well - that by the time I come home I am exhausted and just looking for escape.

Thanks to all for your responses and your kindness. It means the world to me, in a way that most 34 year old males wouldn't admit to.

GAFF

[Gaffertape]

Since I haven't spoken to these girls about this matter since my email a month ago, they only know that I was seeking to get help. So at the moment they don't know that I have OCD and have been on medication for three weeks. This is what's tempting me to break my vow of silence. Maybe their attitude will change if they understand that I have a serious (but treatable) condition. Of course, it might just freak them out instead.

I know that keeping quiet is probably my best course of action right now, and let them start a conversation when they feel the time is right. Its just so hard not knowing when, or if, such a day will come. I know I sound like a real broken record on that point, but that's my thought process.

Obviously they aren't tormented by this situation like I am. They still have each other and probably don't spend much time at all considering my situation and my feelings.

I've put myself in a position where its almost impossible for me to make things worse - so that's something. Still, I could sure use a hopeful sign, and in my mind of course I'm still depending on them for that sign.

Gaff

[bluebottle]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Since I haven't spoken to these girls about this matter since my email a month ago, they only know that I was seeking to get help. So at the moment they don't know that I have OCD and have been on medication for three weeks. This is what's tempting me to break my vow of silence. Maybe their attitude will chance if they understand that I have a serious (but treatable) condition. Of course, it might just freak them out instead.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

You are still thinking in the same way. You must forget about what they may or not be thinking, it really isn't important. What is important is your mental health, and that you can do something about. Concentrate on your girlfriend and her needs as well.

Regards,

Blue
--
This Years Love - David Gray -
If you love me got to know for sure, Cos it takes something more this time than sweet sweet lies

[Gaffertape]

I know that my mind is just going over the same old ground. Instead of concentrating on getting myself better, I'm still 100% focused on getting my friends back. And focusing on it is just more likely to endanger things further, while keeping me depressed.

I need a good kick in the arse sometimes. Thanks!

Gaff