Help for my Mum

[catkelly313]

My Mum has been in psychiatric care for two years now. She suffers from Depression and Severe Anxiety.

On new years day I got a phone call from the rehab place she was in to say she had fallen. She has two fractures on her spine. They are both stable she can mobilise and though in a lot of pain it could have been a lot worse.

We as a family have been frustrated by her lack of progress in the last two years. Basically they just keep trying different tablets.

We fought for seven months for her not to go into the place she was in which is basically a hostel. There was nothing wrong with the hostel but she has a lovely home and a supportive husband and family. The staff there were good to her but could not motivate her to do anything she did not want to do.

She took to her bed about three weeks before Christmas and would hardly see anyone. She got so weak and we think this contributed to her fall.

She is now back in the acute ward of the psychiatric hospital. She is back to square one. Her symptoms are wanting to die, can’t cope with anything, can’t make decisions. She regresses into a childlike state and cries and moans a lot.

The last time she was in hospital the focus of every meeting was, how do we get her out of here? Not, how can we make her better? We kept trying to say to the doctors. If she was better she would go home. But to no avail.

The advice I need from here is, what can we do to help her. We are adamant that they do not transfer her to someplace that cannot meet her needs. But what can we really do?

[Lilith1980]

I'm not really sure what to suggest......is your Mum having any therapy? From what you've said they just keep trying new tablets which isnt going to help in the long run. She needs to be talking to someone about the issues behind her anxiety and depression.

Was she referred to this care home by a GP or other professional? Could you perhaps go back to this professional and tell them your concerns and say you would like her moved?

Or would a meeting with the Management of his hospital do any good? Your Mum is in there to get better and receive a decent standard of care to help her through this. She is clearly not getting this so you have grounds for complaint.

I'm sorry I have nothing concrete to give you but I think you should kick up a fuss to either the "top brass" at the hospital or go back to the person who referred your Mum there and see if there are any other places that she could go to.

xxx

xxx

[catkelly313]

Thanks Lilith.

Mum is not currently having any therapy. We pushed for her to have CBT or any one to one but the Psychiartist said it would not work on her as she does not want to get better.

She is like two people sometimes she really wants to get better but mostly she 'Can't cope' with anything and gets phobic and anxious about everything. She would not even consider going home as she could not cope with the simplest decision and she blammed my Dad at the start as he pushed her to get help due to her increasing anxiey. (At that time before she had to go into hospital she would make phone calls in the middle of the night and even get anxious about food packets, phoning the number on the backs of cartons to see if the food was safe to eat.)

I think they did not want to go too deep into her issues causing her depression (a traumatic childhood) . They took everything she said superficially and made out that her marriage was the problem hence the focus on placing her somewhere rather than getting her better.

The baffling thing to all involved with her care is her lack of motivation to get better. All the professionals have remarked that they have never seen anyone who did not have the desire to get better. Most of the time Mum just wants to be 'looked after' to her this means full nursing care and she is physically fit enough to do this for herself. She has asked to be taken to the toilet and fed (and this was prior to the injury).

My Mum was the type of person you would want to be around befor this happened her. She was a busy person and would have done anything for anyone. So this behaviour totally out of charachter.

[Lilith1980]

Hi Cat

I'm obviously not a psychiatrist so I dont want to say anything misinformed but to me this sounds like a vicious circle.

Your Mum is depressed/anxious which causes feelings of hopelessness which means that she wont see any point in getting help. She wont see the point in getting better because everything in her life will seem futile. This doesnt mean she doesnt actually want to get better - after all who would want to live like this? It means that she isn't in the right place emotionally.

The fact you have said that sometimes she does want to get better says to me that she does want help, but her moods change. Even when I am low and going through really anxious periods, I dont see the point of anything. I dont think I can get better and sometimes I think "what's the point?". But there are times where I break down and I just want to be rid of all this. Deep down inside, no one wants to be like this.

It seems as though the doctors just hold up their hands and give up at the first sign of her not wanting to accept any help. They should realise that giving her tablets will not help in the long run. She needs to talk to someone and confront her issues.

Your Mum sounds extremely worn down by all of this, which makes me think it might be the reason she wants to be looked after. Maybe she thinks if she is taken care of physically, then this will help her mentally. Maybe she is afraid to confront her feelings and is using this as avoidance?

Has the hospital sent a psychiatrist in to see her before? Have they even tried this?

I'm sure your Mum blaming your Dad wasnt meant that way. Sometimes it can be very scary to confront deep-rooted issues and events that happened many years ago. The fact that your Dad pushed your Mum into getting help when she was too scared to, probably caused her resentment. Is there anyone who can talk to your Mum and explain that in order for her to get better she will need to work through her feelings with a professional? Is there anyone who she will listen to?

xxx

[Richie]

Dear Catkelly
Sorry that your mum is like this especially as she used to be such a different person, busy , motivated etc Unfortunately this is what depression does to people, it completely changes their personality.
Does sound as if your mothers care team are trying to do all they can, but of course it's very difficult to motivate another person if they don't want to be.
This is the problem the psychiatric team and you and your father are facing.
How to give your mum the will to go on again as she has given up.
You are doing all you can for her and that is the best you can do.
So sorry can't give any proper advice. Think what Lilith has said in her responses is good advice.
Please keep posting on how your mother is and any new developments
Love Richie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx

[flinty90]

Hi catkelly, i have read your thread time and time again and i am sorry to hear your situation, i wanted to reply even though i have absolutely no idea what to say to you, so i will just offer you a hug and to say we are here to help you as much as we can , i know you havent had a lot of response to your post but i am assuming that we all feel that its over our heads and dont know how to advise you for the best ,

But come on guys lets at least show that we are here even if its just to listen to cat.

I hope there comes some light at the end of your tunnel soon cat i really do

Flinty XX

[kellie]

lots of hugs to you cat and to your mom and family to. i will keep you all in my prayers hun and i hope your mom gets better soon. dont give up on her or yourself and keep giving her all your love. i belive your mom does want to get better cat but just feels so helpless that she dont see the point in it all. hang in there hun and come into the chat room and talk to us all i may be good for you to talk as well . best wishes to you. take care. kellie .

[PUGLETMUM]

hiya catkelly, firstly after my mum died i struggled to come to terms with that so i took sleeping tablets to help me cope, however about 3 years later i did have a breakdown and i really didnt want to care for myself and i was desperate to be looked after(i have since had this feeling a few timeswhen my anxiety has put me into 'crisis'), and i only got better because i was medicated- however i have been told that this is a symptom of agoraphobia so you may well be being mis-informed, you really can only ask questions the more you know? otherwise you believe everything your told.

they say she shouldnt go back into her childhood, some people would say the only way she will get better is if she faces her childhood?she cant do cbt because she doesnt want to get better? does she make attempts on her own life? if not she probably does want to get better but she cant cope with the feelings she has and 'believes' she needs to be cared for.- has everybody forgotten that she has been a mum? how many kids has she had? how did she manage that? she has had a breakdown, is prob agoraphibic and can and will get better with the right care and information.

can you afford to get her private therapy? can you look into all the different types of therapy and then decide what she can do then? does she have an advocate? are one of you her advocate? this isnt complicated she is just in the system and it appears she has just become a statistic? one that they cant deal with so they dont put much input into - or else it would cost them thousands?

as for ringing food companies, over my time (im not alone, others on here have told of some bizarre behaviour) ive had some powerful and 'odd' obsessions, but they do go and the mind can heal. im not suggesting for one minute that i have ever been as bad as your mum, i havent been able to be because in my situation, nobody really cares - i have to beg to be noticed when im 'ill' but in some respects i think this is what actually keeps me going.

there is no answer here because your mums situation is complex and emotive, but there is plently of support here for both you and her, she can get better. take care emma

[lesleyB]

Hi Catkelly, just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family and sending you hugs. .
Lesleyb

[catkelly313]

Thanks everyone for your replies and kind words.

I called to see Mum last evening after work and found her to be quite un responsive, very sleepy, shallow breathing etc.

The Staff Nurse was also concerned as she had swollen ankles also but had walked with help and hour previous and eaten some food.

She immediatly got the Duty Doctor and he rang an ambulance suspecting heart failure as her vital signs were also low.

She was assessed in A&E and diagnosed as being overmedicated. I had not realised that she was started on Diazepam 2mg three times daily just before Christmas which corrosponded to the time she went off her feet and wanted to be in bed all the time. She does seem to be very sensitive to Diazepam so I think this may be part of the current problem. Her Nardil was also increased and she was started on another tablet (will find out about this one later).

She has now been transferred to a general hospital ward asd they are withdrawing all her medications. I will be going to see her shortly and hope she is more alert.

Although this has been awful for her we (the family) hope it is a blessing in disguise as the psychiatric team will have to review her treatment with pressure from her Medical Consultant.