Feel like I'm back to square one

[lisarose]

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I haven't been on the forum for a few days but I have had a really bad time this week. The last time I posted I was feeling really low and anxious about things and everything seemed to be getting on top of me - well on Tuesday I had just had enough, me and my boyfriend had a blazing row about our financial situation and he made me feel like crap as he thinks that I should get a job to make life easier for him so he doesn't have to work as much, he thinks I can just walk out the door and walk straight into a job. He blamed me for lots of things but far too much went on to go into detail - anyway things came to a head and I could feel the anger and anxiety building, i felt like punching him as he said some really nasty things so instead of punching him I went into the kitchen and took it out on the dirty dishes in the sink and just smashed them all which resulted in me cutting my hand quite badly , he then came into the kitchen and just laughed at me which made me even more angry so I stormed out and went to my mum's house with my hand still bleeding and just sobbed my heart out. My mum cleaned my hand up and bandaged it and we had a good heart to heart and I got a lot off my chest about how I was feeling. I went back home about 11.30 Tuesday night and he had gone to bed so I slept on the sofa, we didn't speak all day Wednesday and when he came home from work he gave me the silent treatment for a couple of hours and then said "How's your hand?" I then burst into tears and he apologised and said he was just tired and that he was fed up of having to work 6 days a week with nothing to show at the end of it( we have alot of debts to pay).

Since this happened I have been feeling really anxious and depressed and feel like he has knocked my confidence that I had took so long to build up again, I feel really under pressure to get a job and feel in a hopless situation. I think I have mentioned before that both my children have been off school for the last 2 weeks with chicken pox, well guess what? I now have shingles on my face which appeared yesterday so I am in quite a lot of pain and am wondering whether I have got it because I feel so low. I thought that once the kids go back to school on Monday that I could start to get back to normal with everything, such as the housework, college etc but now I have no chance. The last time I had shingles was just after my son was born in September 2000 and was ill with it for about 6 weeks, it affected the whole left side of my face and my left eye completely swelled it looked like I had been in a fight. It isn't as bad as that yet but it is only day 2 and the doctor said it will get alot worse before it gets better. I now won't be able to go to college again for the 3rd week running and am afraid I will fail the course now as there is only 3 weeks left and I have already missed so much work. I feel like my life is out of control again and am afraid of the anxiety and depression returning to the point where I can't function anymore.

Anyway sorry I'ts such a long post and I am grateful for all the support I have had on this site, it is the only thing thats keeping me sane at the moment as I know I can come here and get my feelings out and feel like everyone understands me.

I would really appreciate any advice as to how I can get back on track with my life evern though I know there is no magic solution I would still appreciate any comments.

Thanks for listening everyone and take care,
Love Lisaxx

[linjane]

Hi Lisa,
You have really had a bad week and things have come to a head now. At least your husband apologised - eventually - sometimes I just think men don't think like us. If you think about it, you are working - who else is looking after your children and the house? I work full-time, I run my own baby shop, but with two children and everything else to do, it is really hard. Me and my husband argue because I have got too much on my plate and also, he doesn't get in most nights till about 9.30pm so I have to do literally everything. We also have loads of bills/debts to pay and we still struggle even though we are both working. In some ways, my husband didn't want me to open up my shop and even that caused us arguments. My advise to you is if you and your husband can talk through your problems together, that will be a start. If your debts are really bad, think about taking some advise from CAB or something, to sort yourself out so that you have one less worry. My anxiety is different to yours because material things don't worry me, I don't like having loads of bills but my attitude is, its only money and I go up to the limit on my credit card and regret it later!! I worry about things that I can't change and refuse to deal with!
I feel like you at the moment I have put a post on Health Anxiety and it is horrible. You begin to think you are getting somewhere and then something else happens to bring back all your symptons. I really hope you can get through this. How old are your children, by the way, because, unless you help with the children, how could you go back to work anyway? This is our big problem because my only 'help' should be my mother-in-law (who doesn't work and is only 51) but she will only have them every other Saturday. Not a lot of good when we work full-time. So think about that, before considering going back to work or that will create another problem for you.
Hope I have been of some help, just take care of yourself.
Love,
Linda.xx

[lisarose]

Hi Linda, Thanks for the reply. My children are 11 & 5 and they are both in full time education so I would have to get a job that fits in with school hours. my mum is really good and would look after them if I needed her to but I wouldn't really want to ask her as she has to look after my nan who recently had a stroke so she has a lot on her plate as it is. I don't think my boyfriend realises that kids have school holidays and someone would need to take care of them when I was at work as I couldn't expect my mum to have them all day in the holidays as it would be too much for her and they are a real handful even though she is only in her fifties they wear her out. Are your kids at school? I really admire women who work and look after the kids as well, I don't know how you do it, i find that there ar not enough hours in the day as it is, and I'm also at college part time and have loads of assignments to complete which my boyfriend thinks is a waste of time as he thinks it is just a bit of fun and that it will not lead to anything. I really wish I didn't worry about money as that is what causes most of the arguments between us but just when we seem to get straight with things, something else crops up and I don't think we will ever be out of debt.

Thanks for your advice - I really appreciate it and I think I will go to the CAB as things need to get sorted out and I tend to bury my head in the sand where money is concerned and I don't like facing up to things but I know we need help.

Speak to u soon, take care
Love Lisaxx

[angieb]

Lisa, poor you - I really feel for you hunny.

I do have some good news though, the money situation is totally sort-out-able.

Four years ago I was breeding horses for a living when the dreaded foot and mouth struck. To cut a very long and very boring story short we were forced to sell up. I was left with over 18K in debts costing us £900 per month just to service. We did this for eight months and were so short of money, always broke and living off value foods.

I decided enough was enough, took proper debt advice (not the C.A.B they were rubbish) and faced the problems. I stopped paying all of my debts on a designated date. I sat down and worked out a real income and expenditure programme (being honest, enough money for a quality of life not scrimping). When we worked it all out realistically we had just £131 per month to service the debts and that is what our creditors got between then - pro rata to debt.

The relief was amazing. It is not easy, you have to hold your nerve, we were threatened with court, home and job visits and all sorts. NOTHING ever got carried through, they all one by one accept your offer of payment...they have to!

I promise you that if you face it - things will feel so much better. You are entitled to a standard of living, everyone makes financial mistakes - you are not alone.

Take care and if you have any questions just holler.

Be kind to yourself this weekend.

Angie x

[lisarose]

Hi Angie, Thanks for your kind words, I really appreciate the reply and it is good to know you understand. I think I need to stop burying my head in the sand and start facing up to our debts. My boyfriend has always left the bill paying up to me and that is why he blames me for us being in debt but he is just as bad with money as I am and he has to share the blame too. He says that he is going to take charge of the money but I don't think this will work either as we have tried this before and it didn't get us anywhere. I definately think we need proffessional advice.
I often think that if we won the lottery and had no money worries if my anxiety would dissappear but I suppose I would still find something to worry about! lol.

Take care
Love Lisaxx

[angieb]

Lisa - do it today, start making your plans.

Firstly wite down your exact incomings. Call this A

Then list your essentials which include. These must always be paid without exception: Call this total B

Rent/Mortgage
Council Tax
transport (fees, car, petrol, tax etc)
Water
Electricity/gas
phone

Then living expenses: Call this total C

Food and toiletries etc allow up to £120 per week for a family of four.
School expenses - lunches, transport etc
Clothing - allow £50 per month for a family of four

Then additional expenses: Call this total D

School trips, one evening out per month and one family day per month - allow about £100 for this.

Add B, C & D together - take it away from A - THIS is ALL that you have for non living debts like loans, credit cards etc etc.

This is what the goverment say as a human being living in this country you are entitled to as a basic standard of living. Creditors cannot argue this.

I have a format letter that I can send you if you would like to see the sort of thing that you will need to send to your creditors. Once you see it all written down you will see the real problem. Stop robbing Peter to pay Paul, you can only continue that way for so long. I promose you Lisa, just by taking control you will both feel so much better[^]

Take care hunny...Angie

[linjane]

Hi again Lisa,
My son is 3, but will be 4 at the end of May and my daughter is 9, 10 at the beginning of July. The little one doesn't start full-time school till next January, then things will be a little bit easier. You are so lucky to have your mom around. You probably know I lost my mom when I was pregnant with my daughter so she never got to see my first child and even now I miss not having her around. My mother in law will not help very much at all and that causes us a lot of rows but it is only now my husband is beginning to accept what she is like. That probably sounds hard, but after putting up with her for 10years, believe me, it isn't.!!!
I hope you manage to sort out your finances. I know the CAB aren't brilliant but they might do as a first step, because you want to try to avoid paying for debt advice. I am still terrible with money and like I said we are really struggling at the moment, even though we both work, but my business has only been going for five months so I have a long way to go there.
Take care,
Speak to you soon,
Love,
Linda.xxx

[delta]

Hi Lisa
I always think when I read your posts how much like me you sound. I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a bad week, I was wondering how you were getting on with your children being at home poorly. I'm sorry to hear you have come down with shingles, I hope you start to feel better soon.

We are in a similar situation with debt and we row constantly about it, it's like being in a financial straightjacket where there doesn't seem to be a way out. We remortgaged last year in the hope of being able to manage better but things have just got worse since then and now the mortgage rate has gone up well......... we're in a mess. It's reached the point where my husband won't even discuss money with me anymore.

I know exactly how you feel about trying to find work, it's not easy. Being a mother is a full-time job in itself and it isn't fair for your boyfriend to put you under pressure to get a job, I read somehwere that to replace the work a mother does in the home would cost around
£30,000 a year!!! I am shattered by the time I go to bed, I don't know how I would fit in a job outside the home as well. I worked as a freelance secretary for 6 years, working from home, it fitted in great around my children, at the same time I was working evenings/weekends in a call centre, we were managing ok, steadily paying off our debts, I gave up both jobs just over 2 years ago when I had an operation on my knee, the recovery was long and this is when our debts started mounting up again. I have tried various jobs since and they don't last because they don't fit in around the children or my husbands working hours. Deciding that there was nothing for it but to go out and get a job, I started a new job in January, it lasted one day, my son came down with tonsillitis for the second time in a month, hubby could only take half a day off work so I had to leave. I don't have family to help me, MIL refuses to and I don't really have contact with my own parents (long story).

I'm sorry once again I don't have the answers, I am looking for some myself, I just wanted to offer you support and friendship.

Take care
Love Donna
xx

[sal]

Hi Lisa

Sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. Nothing is your fault about the debt so dont blame yourself. I hope the children feel better soon and that you get over the shingles soon aswell.

I am sure it was pure frustration your boyfried kicking off, but remember it wasnt your fault at all.

You will get through this and we will all help you however we can.



Lots of Love Sal xxxxx

[lisarose]

Hi everyone,

I just want to say a big thank you for all your support, it is a huge help knowing that I have u lot that I can talk to about my problems. I know you don't have any magic solutions but it helps just getting things off my chest. My shingles is alot worse today, it is on my cheek and I look like the elephant man at the moment as my face is really swollen and it is making my eye swell up, it is so painful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had no sleep last night and feel completely exhausted and I woke up this morning feeling really panicky with lots of ectopic beats - the worst I have had them for a long time which is making me feel even more anxious. I am going to the doctors tomorrow to see what he can give me for the shingles so will let you know how I get on. I feel really weepy and just wanted to stay in bed all day but cheered up a bit when my kids bought me breakfast in bed with my mothers day cards and I got quite emotional as I feel guilty on them for feeling so down. They keep asking me what's wrong and I don't know what to say to them.

Angie - thanks so much for the advice on how to start sorting out my debts, it has definatley helped seeing everything written down.

Linjane - Your children are similar ages to mine, my son is 5 in July and my daughter turned 11 in January. Sorry to hear you lost your mum, I don't know what I would do without mine, she is a complete saint and is always putting other people before herself and I know she is always there if I need her but i don't like putting on her too much as she has my Nan to look after, she visits her 3 times a day, cooks her meals and cleans for her, does her shopping, pays her bills and never moans about it, she deserves a medal!! It will be easier when your son starts school but I know how hard it is to find a job that fits in with school hours, I am even thinking about delivering Avon catalogues just to earn a bit of extra cash.

Donna - we both seem to be in the same boat don't we, hopefully we can support each other and try and get through this together.

Sal - Thanks for the reply, I think my boyfriend is frustrated and that is why it kicked off as he feels he working for nothing at the moment.

Take care everyone and speak to you soon
Love Lisaxxx