not in depths,far from happy..I don't care

[happyone]

I am being greedy using up two posts (I used one elsewhere about anx). I am in this horrid place on the way up from the depths.....I know it is depression but it is so hard. Just the things that I know I should do like de fuzz, shower every day, I desperately need new clothes as I am too fat for these ones....fat, there is another problem, exercise I can't even bring myself to walk to school, worrying about what other people think of me, I need to exfoliate but that means going out and buying something, my house is a mess, my carpets are dirty (thankfully I only have two) and I am not working but I feel like I have no time to do any of the above, I leave my curtains closed and let no one in, personal relationships are so long forgotten I am likely to be left by my husband
Yet knowing all this....I do nothing about it and tell my cpn, my shrink I am feeling 'better' cos I don't feel suicidal anymore. I don't see a way out other than years of drudge like feeling.
I am trying not to use the forum so much, but sometimes, I need to reach out to someone.
Happyone

[red100]

Hi Happyone,

I now exactly how you feel, just a total lack of motivation to do anything!!, it wont last for ever though. Perhaps you just need a small tweak to your meds or perhaps its just an adjustment phase as you recover from the depths of your depression. Try not to beat yourself up about it ( i know thats hard!).

Red

[chalky]

Hi HappyOne,



Motivation can be a bugger to find when things are like this.Can you just try to set yourself a target of dealing with things just one day at a time? e.g. hoovering tomorrow,
exfoliating the next day,etc,etc
Focusing on the negative in our lives is a well-trodden path of mine.Sometimes,just by taking tiny steps,we can make it into the light.Remember,giant oak trees start off as tiny acorns.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[happyone]

I am trying the things one thing at a time but everything seems so BIG. I just had a bath, but that is just to save me showering in the morning when motivation is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down. I won't shower in the morning now, so my hair will be a mess and my cpn is coming and I want the house to be tidy for her but even that isn't motivating me. I am supposed to talk to her and I wanted the support for ages on a 1-1 but now I just want to phone and tell her to stay away, but I am a bit scared as I am on a 'behave yourself or lose services' type warning, I feel just now.
It's like I stop loving myself and I almost want clarification of how unloveable I am by being a scruffy, lazy, unkempt, undesireable so and so.
Now I have told you all on here what a slob I am, you'll probably puke.
So sorry to go on. I need bed (at 8pm as per usual without hubby cos he would not want to be near me!)

Happyone

[chalky]

Hi Happyone,



No puking just admiration for you.
The fact that you are TRYING to do things despite the obstacles you currently face,speaks volumes for you as a person.
Please keep believing and persevering.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[ruthb1]

hi happyone,

i feel the same, the only thing that seems to motivate me at the moment is my computer and because of that i tend not to do anything else.I have been like this before and i know eventually it will pass but its a pain, the slightest thing is an effort to me. take earlier on, my partner is on a let shift, i picked the kids up from school at 3.30 came home and went on computer and then at 4.15 watched deal or no deal in bed and fell asleep until 5.30, tea not cooked or anything, kids just playing, i feel like a failure as a mum but the kids dont see it that way i know but it doesnt make me feel anyt better. the slightest thing is an effort.

you are not alone in this hun

take care

ruth

[Oceanblue]

Happyone,

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. As you already know, I have been there in those darkest moments, and it's extremely tough going, epecially having children to look after aswell.

What have the doctor's said about your medication? Haven't they considered a change?

Remember it's still very early days Happyone, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. I understand it's very hard to believe,.. but in time you will feel better, you've already proved to us that you are getting better by not having suicidal thoughts. Because you're still feeling so very low it's hard for you to notice that you are impoving,...but little by little you really are.

Try not to think of the future so much.

Sending love xx

[red100]

Hi Happyone
I completely know where your coming from - when i feel like this i don't get dressed / undressed unless i absolutely have to, even watching the TV from the couch is too much effort.
It will pass happyone, just try not to worry about it to much, you'll just stress yourself out - try and do just one thing but if you can't there's always tomorrow.

take care
Red

[Jimbo]

Hi hun,

Just read this after my confessional post.

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. All we can do is what we can.

I guess we should both be more honest with the profs too.

Jim

[Richie]

Dear Happyone
ive wanted to post a message to you for ages but just haven't known what to say. Certainly nothing that could help make much of a difference
Have noticed that over the past few months your life seems to have snow balled. And ive watched and read and wondered how to respond, to give you some hope cause don't want to be negative
Firstly Happyone your avartar is one of the most inspirational on here,
Everytime i see that white horse/unicorn it kind of lifts my spirits up a bit.
So for u to have chosen that definately shows (i think) a loving nature)
I know this doesn't help much but what you have written this time would have been read by alot of members and guests browsing and i'm sure it would have actually really helped them and moved them to see that there are folk like yourself who feel like they do. Not lazy , not stupid , not unloveable just going through the depths of despair.
Those reading your postings will be sad at your suffering but they may also see that they are not isolated cases.
Will be thinking of you and how brave you are
Lots of Love Richiexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx