Responsibility

[Bill]

These are just thoughts based on things that have happened to me in the past-

Often when we find ourselves with an increase in responsibility, it will create added stress which will cause our anxieties to be affected. Stress of course can already be there in our lifestyle at home or at work.

Often though an increase in responsibility such as a promotion at work and extra workload or moving into a new home, getting married, having a baby to protect etc will trigger "worry" creating irrational fears which will feel real.

When we feel under stress due to extra responsibility, our minds will often look for dangers in "ordinary things" which otherwise we'd not think about. This could been that when we see a knife, we'll worry about harming ourselves or others because of the fear produced by the extra pressure we feel to protect what's important to us.

If we dwell on the thoughts, the thoughts could change from "what ifs" to imagining "doing". We picture images of what "could" happen which in reality wouldn't because it's something deep down we wouldn't do but our extra responsibility will create stress which amplifies our fear into making us picture the "what ifs" as "doing".

Extra stress can also make us focus on health issues for the same reasons. A fear of "losing" something that we feel is very important to us such as our own lives or others, or possessions.

The way I've found to deal with these thoughts is to not dwell on them by saying to myself they are just being created by "worry" and fear of losing something important to me. To know that they Are just "worries" playing tricks.

Sometimes we are bored which I call "boredom stress" because when we feel under stress but are bored, we'll start looking for something to worry about such as the above.

This means that we not only need to remind ourselves they're just "worries" but also look for something to occupy our minds to help us not dwell on the irrational fears before they "get to us".

We get lots of weird thoughts but fearful ones will stick because they scare us and make us worry, and then we start "playing" these worries in our minds but they Are just thoughts that we wouldn't act on.

Often we just love to find something to worry about because of our negative thinking but we mustn't be afraid or dwell on them and instead treat them as all the other ordinary thoughts we have.

[sarajane]

More great words of wisdom Bill.

From someone so young.

Also it was great to finally meet you in chat today.

SJ

[tonkaboy]

Wow - you hit the nail on the head as usual.

I became a father 18 months ago and he's the most wonderful, fantastic thing I've ever laid eyes on. But, I feel the responsibility very heavily. It scares me to look at him sometimes as I can't believe the unquestioning affection he shows for me. I don't feel worthy of it and especially when it conjurs up bad thoughts in my mind.

I think it's also the burden of commitment - there's no going back. I tend to always think through my options and look for an escape route if at all possible. I feel uncomfortable when I know there isn't one. I'm not just talking about parenthood but life in general. I think that's part of the anxious personallity - being trapped or having no options. I get the same feelings at work sometimes when I know once we make a decision, there's no going back and you have to just trust your judgement. Similarly, I used to do a lot of hill walking and I never felt comfortable when I couldn't see a quick way off the mountain if ncecssary. Actually, I think it's called being a worrier!!

Thanks for the post Bill, you always give me a lift. All I need now is for my team to do the business at Derby today and I'll have a real boost. I know you're a footy fan as well, so you'll understand. It's not like North End will win the FA Cup but a win is a win right now.

All the best, you wise old chap.

Tonks.

[Bill]

Lovely to talk to you too Sarajane and thank you.

Tonks - I bet you're a Happy man this evening! Sounds like you didn't just win but hammered them! Were you worried or did you have faith in your teams abilities?

Maybe you need to have more faith in your own abilities as a father. I'm quite sure you do everything possible to look after your son so you couldn't do more! I think having a son or daughter must feel like a Huge responsibility especially since we have such a caring nature. He couldn't have a better father, I'm Sure! You just need more self-belief so you don't feel so trapped. I'm a worrier too! Anxiety will make us doubt our decisions but we have to remember we always try to do the "right" thing no matter what others say or think if it goes wrong.

I used to climb mountains too such as Ben Nevis, Snowdon and others in the Lake District. I loved it when I reached the top because I felt "free" of my problems. The scenery is so vast and grand, things felt less important. Happy memories! I did get separated and lost once though which was rather scary. When we eventually found each other again it was dark so climbing back down was rather tricky! Couldn't tell what was rock, water, path or holes until your leg disappeared , or know for sure whether it was the right way even...but just like in life, we follow our nose and we always find a way even if it takes a while! Just never give up and keep looking for options.

By the way, my team won today too so I'm Happy too! Hope we don't meet in the next round!

Thanks for your reply and remember you're a GOOD father!!!

Oh yes, I do feel "old" too! ...even at 45. Age is relative! I'm old to someone of 20 but young to someone of 90. We're as old as we feel!

[tonkaboy]

Bill,

Portsmouth, by any chance?

Still in a state of euphoria after Saturday. Was I worried? Resigned probably. Totally unexpected given where we are in the league. West Brom tomorrow, 3 big fat juicy points to be had, so fingers crossed.

By the way, you are 'old' to me as I'm 'only' 42!!!

Have you ever been to the Cuillins on Skye? Most breathtaking mountains in the UK in my opinion. Once got lost on Ben Macdui, very scary, especially as I was with my kid brother. No easy way to get down from 3,000 ft on the Cairngorm plateau. It was September (1988) but nonetheless it can be a cruel spot even at that time of year. I found the uncertainty of being lost very scary, far sacrier than something like Crib Goch or Striding Edge where you can see the danger only too plainly!

Cheers for the kind words, my boy means the absolute world to me. I feel terrible when horrid thoughts pop into my head. Its almost like I dare my self to thing the worst thing I can imagine and then feel frightened, surprise, surprise.

All the best,

Tonks

[Bill]

Hi Tonks,

Nope, not Pompey. A red and white team in London! It's because of my father who used to take us to every match. I can remember when everyone used to crowd out at the same time. You felt you were going to be crushed so we used to sit or stand in the ground until it had emptied.

I'll listen for your next result with interest! I'll be able to tell what mood you'll be in!

Hey, I'm not "much" older than you so don't rub it in!

Yep, certainly been to Skye, the cairngorms and seen Striding Edge (Helvellyn) yes? The cloud came over when I was at the top. Had to remember where the drop was! Terrific scenery.

When you have these thoughts, just remind yourself you're having them because he's so precious to you and you don't want anything to happen to him. Your "worry" just makes you picture the "worst". It just means you're a "Good Dad" because you obviously love and care SO much about him and you want to protect him from the worries you're thinking!

My father was Exactly the same as you and I couldn't have had a Better Dad....nor has your son having a dad like you to bring him up! Always Remember that!!!