Can anyone help please?

[Lilith1980]

Hi all

A some of you know, I've not been getting on too well with my b/f (well fiance) recently. He doesnt really understand my anxiety - not that I want him to understand, I just want support - and he gets frustrated if I get anxious so I end up not opening up to him.

Conversely, he has problems talking to me and expressing emotion just because of the way his Dad brought him up not to show emotion. I am trying to encourage him to talk to me instead of bottling it up though. I want us to be able to talk to each other more.

Anyway, since moving in with him 9 months ago my anxiety has worsened. I lived in London (had done all my life) and am now in the Midlands so it was a big change for me. I left friends behind (although they didnt treat me great) and a place I loved and was familiar with. I didnt regret it for one moment though because I was with him, but I have felt quite isolated since being here.

I feel kind of like I have to fit in with what my boyfriend wants to do. I wanted us to go out on our own 3 weeks ago for a meal and drinks as we rarely do this. We tend to go out together but with our friends so dont have much quality time together. When I asked him if he wanted to go out, he was ok with it and then a week later one of our friends arranged a party and he wanted to go to that instead and got the ump with me when I got upset because we had arranged to go out first. He said we dont talk much when we go out on our own anyway so we went to this party which was good fun but that wasn't the point.

Then last week he asked if I wanted to go out for something to eat and we had a really nice time. But I thought about it afterwards and again, it was on HIS terms. We go to dinner when its convenient for HIM. He said one of his mates had asked him that evening if we wanted to go out but that he had told him he was taking me out and I dont know if this was meant to make me feel grateful. Or am I being harsh? Its just whenever I ask to go out, I get a half-hearted response but its ok when he's arranging it.

A friend at work says that I sound very unhappy whenever I talk about the wedding, like its a chore, and wondered whether I still wanted to get married. To be honest the organisation is getting me down - I cant be bothered with it with all this going on. I do want to marry him, but not with the way we are at at the moment

Last night he rang me at 6pm to say he was filming (he runs a film company) from 7pm and I was really annoyed because he's done this before where he works late and doesnt tell me either until an hour or two before, or until I text to ask where he is. Last Friday he was working from 7pm again but he didnt tell me and the only reason I found out was because he was on the phone to someone about it on the Thursday evening.

I find this inconsiderate and it further reinforces the fact that he's getting on with whatever he does and I have to fit in around that. I had a go at him over the phone as to why he didnt tell me and he said he forgot. But he keeps forgetting.

How would he like it if I said I was going out with some mates an hour before I was due to? Would he not find this inconsiderate? What if I kept doing it, would this not hurt him?

He got really annoyed at me for being p*ssed off at him and didnt talk to me at all when he got home at about 9.30pm. About an hour later I asked if he was going to ignore me all night because I didnt want us to go to bed without speaking. He apologised for forgetting to tell me and I said I was sorry for having a go but he said "You obviously arent sorry". He told me he was annoyed at me for having a go at hime and then he said he couldnt be bothered to talk about it as he was tired. I said "That seems to be your whole attitude at the moment" and we exchanged a few more words. Then he went to bed, so we ended up going to bed on an argument

If he wants to go out with his mates on his own (which is rare to be fair) I have to stay in alone as they are my mates as well, although I am making efforts to meet my own friends. So again, he does what he likes and I have to like it or lump it. When he wants to go out with mates on his own he says it with more an attitude of "I'm going out with them on my own this time". Whereas I would ask "Is it ok if I go out with so-and-so..." But maybe I need to change my attitude?

I am seriously considering postponing the wedding. We get married in August and we havent been getting on well for the last few months. Surely issues about spending time together shouldnt crop up this early on in a relationship (we have been together 18 months). I want us to do things together but we dont, we see our mates 1-2 times a week at least but rarely spend time on our own, unless you count watching TV together spending time alone, which I dont as we dont talk much then either!

I want to talk to him but whenever I have in the past he says I am making things bigger than what they actually are. If I say "I feel..." he says its my anxiety making me feel like this

Sorry for ranting. I'm just really tired of this. Its hard to distinguish whether my feelings of being an "add on" to his life are real or just in my head. But I have felt them for a while and they aren't going away. And I dont feel I am being listened to. I dont want to marry someone who doesnt care about me and who wont accomodate me. I have moved my life up here to be with him, he hasnt had to do a thing.

Thanks for listening

Jo

xxxxxxx

[dawny]

jo,

i dont think non sufferers ever understand really and i think because we look alright on the outside they think we should be alright.....

....i must admit before i had anx/panic i never understood, i realise now that i was very shallow, as my mom has suffered panic.

as for him working over and the mates thing, i think thats a general thing, they tend to forget that we are in the picture sometimes......and we all have times when we dont get on, i suppose it can't all be roses.....

..where are you in the midlands jo, cause i live in dudley,

sorry i havent been much help,

love dawny

[Lilith1980]

Hey Dawny, I'm in Stoke on Trent

I know its not going to be great all the time but we seem to be having these rows alot recently and I'm not happy at all.

He just seems to forget a lot and if ever I'm not happy about something or upset he gets so defensive about it. We can rarely just talk, he flies off the handle, I think because he thinks I am attacking him.

I dont expect him to understand my anx. He wont be able to, I know that. I would just like to be able to talk to him without fear of him getting frustrated at me. Last week he said I cried most of the week and he was fed up of hearing about it. In the same breath he will say he wants me to feel I can talk to him, so its all mixed messages.

I just feel like I've been left to make the best of things here in some ways. All I want is to be treated with some consideration. Maybe I am more sensitive to these things because of my anx but I'm not asking for a lot.

I'm wondering whether to go to my GP for medication. I'm confused as to whether I am thinking clearly. Its going to be a last resort for me though as I really dont want to take anything.

xxxxx

[fifi]

Hey Jo,

Just be careful that you don't end up taking all the responsibility for your problems because your self-esteem is low, a common trap to fall into and one that is taking me a long time to rectify.

I know my other half has never understood why I feel like I do and for him it's easy - "just don't think like that!"....... if only.

Try and trust your judgement, easier said than done I know but if you really feel that there are issues that need tackling then you have every right to have your views and needs listened to.

All the best

[sandramick]

all i can say is listen to your head not your heart . good luck x x

[celeste]

Hey Jo,

Just be careful that you don't end up taking all the responsibility for your problems because your self-esteem is low, a common trap to fall into and one that is taking me a long time to rectify.

I know my other half has never understood why I feel like I do and for him it's easy - "just don't think like that!"....... if only.

Try and trust your judgement, easier said than done I know but if you really feel that there are issues that need tackling then you have every right to have your views and needs listened to.

All the best

Hi Jo
Having just come out of a marriage of 14 years & a total of 23 years together I have to agree with every word Fifi wrote.
With this problem we blame ourselves. We're being silly, we're stupid etc.
I compromised myself throughout my relationship.
I thought i was doing the right thing...but actually it ate away at me. trying to be pleasing, do the right thing, not upset him. He could never understand that the more badly he treated me the worse my anxiety became.
The more I was undermined the more my self esteem took a battering.
In the end i just withdraw into myself & concentrated on holding myself together enough to get through each day.
I just wanted him to understand, talk with me & listen. His idea was to have 3 affairs & I was made to feel that was my fault. Which just compounded the problems i had

I have to agree...listen to your head not your heart. If you feel that he's not listening to you & you are constantly compromising for him, thats not a good way to be..trust me

best wishes

[fifi]

Thanks Celeste.

My marriage ended yesterday after 15 years as I just couldn't take feeling this way anymore. Never being allowed to have an opinion without it being blamed on my problems, childhood etc and who I was as a person. When I look back the pattern was set very early on and it was me that was constantly compromising, even being blamed for him being unfaithful!

It's taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to leave this marriage, but I truly know that nothing will ever change no matter how much I try and just constantly reinforces all those negative beliefs about myself.

It's scary, I'm frightened... worried about being on my own, can I cope? am I strong enough to do this? Bring up the kids?.... but I know that I have to give myself that chance before another 10 unhappy years has passed.

[knightbabe]

My OH and I lived down south when we first got together and we married down south. In 2001 he decided he wanted to come home to his family, so I packed up and came North with him. That was nearly 7 years ago. I only have one friend here and my OH doesn't like me seeing her. If we go out for a drink it is always to the club that his aunt runs. He won't go anywhere else. We regularly go out for a meal with my OH's friend and partner. If we go for a night out it's always with his friends from the club. The last 2 times I have refused to go and insisted he go on his own. On these nights out I am generally the only woman and I hate it. Due to recent events I am seriously considering ending our marriage. I know this won't help you. But you must follow your head and not your heart. If your unhappy now getting married isn't likely to improve your relationship.
Leigh x

[Lilith1980]

Thanks for your replies

Fifi and Celeste, thank you for sharing your insights. I am sorry to hear about your marriages and I really appreciate your views on my situation.

I guess I dont know what to do for the best. My head is all over the place. Should I try and work things through with him (that is what I want to try and do) or should I call it a day? I am worried about talking to him about it though as all I seem to do is annoy him and I'm worried he'll see this as more moaning.

I really dont know if he will listen to me as this has been going on for a few months. I know I need to be more confident that my feelings should be taken into consideration, but then why do I end up being the one who apologises profusely when he gets annoyed at me?

I want to give him a chance but I dont want to get to my wedding day and wonder whether this is the right thing to do

p.s. just read your reply Leigh, thank you hun. I can relate to moving away from what you knew and not having much. I'm not even sure I could go back to London now as I have nothing there either.

[chalky]

Hi Jo,

Sorry to hear about your problems.
Expecting a "normal" person to understand our problems is possibly a stretch too far.
Expecting your proposed partner-for-life to treat you with consideration and respect is,in my view,a necessity.
Low self-esteem can lead us to question ourselves,often unreasonably.You have shown over many,many posts that you are a very caring,considerate person.
I can't advise you on whether or not,you should go ahead with your marriage.I would say that the issues which you have raised are so integral to your future happiness,that you must seek to resolve them before making a lifetime commitment.
Please do not think of taking Meds as a failure on your part.Even if you only need them in the short term,they can and do help.I have no regrets about having used them in the past and I would do so again,if needed.
A chat with your Doctor might help.

Best wishes,
Chalky