Monophobia / fear of being alone

[julieb]

hi everyone, i too suffer with this and can agree that its the one thing that makes me feel totally helpless and useless at times. i also have agoraphobia. ive been constantly working on my agoraophobia but avoiding working on this. even if my partner is out in the garden i have to keep checking that hes still there. it must drive him mad. i'd really appreciate any tips of where to start being alone and how to cope.
ju

[marie1974]

hi janey i hate this too its a big fear of mine its more common then i thought you will get lots of support here its a lovely place xxx

[Bill]

I've always been insecure and hated my own company so I hate an empty house and feeling alone because I used to get so anxious. Even my mother says my father used to hate coming home to an empty house.

I still hate being on my own but I have found the following 5 options have helped me to cope -

1) Find something you enjoy doing in the house such as play a dvd, a game or find a hobby such as sewing, knitting, writing, reading, creating something etc or do gardening.

2) Play music or keep the TV or radio on. I always used to find the silence of the house most frightening. Voices even on the media can help us to feel less alone.

3) Invite friends round, pick up the phone or even talk to people over the Net such as on here.

4) If you can, go out. Go for a walk, a drive, go to the shops or join a club of some kind so that you're not alone in the house.

5) Get a pet like a dog or cat because they provide great company and you can hug them when you need comfort!

What we mustn't do is "sit" doing nothing indoors worrying about being alone or think about it when we are.

Thinking causes worry causes panic. Divert the mind and you control your panic.

[PUGLETMUM]

for me fear of being alone has nothing to do with not liking being on my own - i dont feel how you do bill, for me its part of agoraphobia, and i think it will be for lots of us, that we are scared to be alone because we have found no other way to end our panics than to use other people as a distraction/comfort. things cant get too bad while we are safe with other people, but imagine how awful it would be if we got sick or felt like we were going to lose our mind when we were alone?!!!! this is what drives it for me, but if you wont go out then, youve also got the problem that you cant go out and 'mix' with others so taking your mind off things. ive even worked alone so as not to have to panic in front of people or to have to cope with complications arising from me panicking - but i want to say that be gradually increasing your contact to the outside world and so therefore increasing your confidence, i have been able to tackle my fear of panicking while being alone. also if you are depressed all the things that once preoccupied you no longer seem to help? so you are even more distressed every time you are alone? this is when i knew i HAD to tackle the depression, by doing cbt, you know challenging all the negative thoughts i was having that i had always been like this, was always going to be like this and that my life was worthless and pointless in a matter of months i have turned myself around and anyone else can too, with positive self-talk and alot of self-love, instead of hating yourself for no reason!!! you have to take alot of time for yourself, you have to mentally put you first, so no more worrying about what anyone thinks, what the house looks like, about all the things you havent done and should have done - who says you should have done anything?! youve done the best you could under the circumstances you have to start to be your own best friend - so you might not have one single friend, so what! youve got your best friend right here - in yourself if you can start to turn all this negativity around you really want to start investing time and energy in yourself to tackle your agoraphobia/monophobia - its the only thing that helped me to start making a stand against it for myself by myself, and i now feel that life is good and will continue to be good - this is the reward for taking it on, feeling bad and coming through the other side - anyone going through this soul destroying thing i would urge you to get the 12 week recovery programme from NOPANIC

[alexius]

I am feeling so bad at the moment

Last week i finished with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years as I really wanted to move home (5hours away) to be nearer my family. I've had panic/anxiety for the last 6 months and it's driving me mad. My bloke wouldn't move with me which was sad but I had to be nearer my family as I missed them so much.

At the moment I'm going through such a hard time about being on my own in the future. I'm so worried that my parents are going to die (my dad is 70 and my mum is 63) and I'm only 23. I'm so scared that I'm going to live alone with no friends for the rest of my life. I'm also worried that my anxiety will get so bad that I can't work and I'll end up homeless..

This is tearing me apart. No amount of talking myself through it and telling myself I'm stupid is helping..

I'm at my wits end and it's making me so ill. I can't sleep, eat or do anything!!

Please someone help me!

[PUGLETMUM]

hi alexius, im so sorry you are feeling like this right now. i lost my mum in 1993 and this seems to have driven my fear since i bacame a mum myself. i worry that my husband will die and i will have to fend for myself.but the thing is this worry is just that worry. if and when anything happens even us anxious types can and do cope. but all of this catastrophising convinces us that what will happen will be so massive that we wont be able to stand it - but we will are you an only child? do you have friends, or other family members - aunts and cousins? also you can always always make new friends, you jus thave to put yourself about a bit, you cant meet tham at home on your own. i really do feel for you because you are young and your mum and dad are quite old - my mum was 53 when she died and i was 20, so yours was 7 years older than my mum was when she had you. the only thing i can say is that you have to start concentrating on the here and now not the future, because you cannot predict what will happen and you cannot predict how you will deal with it, and you are scaring yourslef silly in the present, when you dont actually have a problem. except ofcourse youve just ended a relationship and youve moved away from him, and this is hard to deal with and will leave you emotionally vulnerable, i think you have to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get over this split, take care, emma

[tnt808]

Hi,

I'm not sure that this was a phobia for me or not, but I didn't like to be alone. I was very anxious and would sleep in the living room on the couch, and most nights wouldn't fall asleep until sun came up.

Since being by myself for 9 months and 3 children I have changed. It's kinda like a sink or swim situation for me. I HAVE to do it, and my children are young, well 2 of them are. I have learned that it's really not that bad, and am trying to enjoy my own company.

I think if you just take baby steps w/this maybe try doing it for a certain number of hours at first. You can do this!!!!

[PUGLETMUM]

this is so true tnt - if you have to do it, you will cope and survive it - its the worrying about being alone that is actually causing the problems. and i think if you have actually got the phobia, where you will panic if you are left alone or can tmake contact, then the ame principle applys as to any other phobia - you have to expose yourself to it. so what ive been doing is just not ringing as much, and if i feel anxious then i let that pass first, before i ring and this way my mind is re-learning that it can take anxiety, i can distract myself and i do survive. also i have been telling myself over and over again that i do panic it will not last long if i offer it no resistance, and i keep reminding myself also that i actually am not alone i do have ahusband and a daughter!

anyway, tnt i am glad that you are finding it easier now, im sure it hasnt been nice for you to have to deal with this, but you have so well done!

[janey50]

It is so amazing to find other people who are as obsessed about this as I am! i am driving my husband nuts at the moment - i just want him to stay at home with me all the time, and he won't, and is getting quite 'hard' about it. He's worried about having to give up work and then losing the house. I'm just worried about losing my marbles! My mum died 3 weeks ago so it's been a really rough time, and to top it all, my shrink has finally agreed to change my medication - good timing, eh? just when you're going through a major life stress... So I've suddenly stopped taking the anti-d I was on, overnight , as she told me to, and am gradually introducing the new drug over 3 weeks. F***ing nightmare. The side-effects of the sudden withdrawal are horrible, I feel very wobbly and vulnerable, and of course the new drug isn't doing anything yet. But will my husband take some time off to see me through this awful period? No, I HAVE to deal with it on my own. It seems so hard, but now he has the final say. So I have to pull something out of the bag, and like it says above, become my own best friend. i find this so hard - i loathe my clingy behaviour and the pressure I'm putting my husband under. Sometimes i think I'll just end it all as I can't face it going on forever like this. But I still have a vestige of self-respect not to do that. It's good to come on here and see that other people do it, so i can too. thanks, guys, for 'listening'!Janey

[Pickle]

Hi everyone what a great thread and like most of you I didnt realise monophobia was so common.

Mine started about 4 years ago, 2 years after my mum died. For the first two years I was the strong one in the family - looking after my dad, my two children, my brother and numerous other family members, as well as keeping a full time job going. Once everyone had worked thro their grief and started lrarning to live their lives again I found myself emotionally alone - my thoughts only, because althought everyone was there for me, I just felt that if they had started to get over losing my mum then I should have, despite the fact that I hadnt even started grieving.

The monophobia got so bad that my ex partner moved into my home just so I wouldnt be alone. Some nights I sat up till the sun came up just so I would know if anyone left the house.

It even got to a stage that I would drive to a friends house at 5.30am and sit in my car until it was time for me to go to work (my ex partner starts work at that time)

Four months ago my family was plunged into a nightmare when my brother had some kind of problem in his throat and despite being in A&E suffered with hypoxia - that was my sink or swim moment.

I have had to be alone during that time and despite the fear and terror I had, I survived. It wasnt easy and some days I still get that fear, usually first thing in the morning, but I just accept it now and tell myself that there are people I can call if it gets too bad. I do have friends who will always be there for me, no matter what time of day or night.

I can relate to so many of your stories and exeriences and can only say that altho I still have 'wobbly' moments, it does get better, it takes time but with determination we can all do it.

Janey , thank you for starting this thread, and thank you everyone else for sharing your experiences

x