defeated

[paradox]

I don't think I can face the outside world any more. I've had it with the fight. I'm giving up.

The fear of rejection is overwhelming and I'd rather not put myself in a position that causes me such extreme anxiety. I don't trust people. I was bullied at school. Bullied in the workplace. Had an ex husband with a violent temper (though I did push him to the limit of human endurance - he just didn't know how to cope with me).

I've recently come to a conclusion. I am the common denominator here. There's actually something wrong with ME. Not them. ME.

I'm just deeply unlikeable.

I can't see the point of making the effort with people any more. I've never had the ability to make decent relationships. I blame it on being ugly, but I think it's more deep rooted than that. It's my personality that's truly ugly.

I live alone. I no longer have any friends. I feel so set apart from the world. I don't even open the blinds in the house any more because I just want the outside world to disappear.

Meds don't help. Councelling doesn't help. And I'm too lazy to help myself. I'm in my forties and wonder how I'm surviving a life that I've allowed to defeat me.

Even online I never seem to fit in. People generally ignore me. What's wrong with me? Does anyone else feel like this?

My self hatred is so suffocating I can hardly bear to breathe.

Apologies for all the whining.

Take care ♥

[Hope 2]

Hey Paradox

I admire you for saying how you feel especially as u fear rejection . I am similar and have major self esteem issues which manifest in different ways but can defo relate to the hiding away . I go out cos of school run and thats it , well since the start of this year anyway . Normally I only close myself away for a day or two at most but I still live in a kind of bubble .

It sounds really bleak in your world at the moment , I hope u can get some comfort and support from folks on here . No advice really , (brain blank ) , just know I am thinkin of you .

Hang in there
Give me a shout anytime
Love Hope xx

[Liverbird67]

Hiya Paradox
don't ever give up hope hunney, you never know whats around the corner, today might be your day, if not maybe tomorrow.
I know some people are horrible and not what we need, but there are plenty of nice people in the chatroom on here, nuture yourself sweetheart you need to be your own best friend for a while, do what you want, look afteryourself and think of number one for a while, those that reject us are not worth it anyway.

Thinking of you

Liverbird
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Lilith1980]

I've recently come to a conclusion. I am the common denominator here. There's actually something wrong with ME. Not them. ME.

I'm just deeply unlikeable.

Hi Paradox

The above statement is not true at all - this is your perception and nobody else's.

I used to feel exactly the same as you. I used to think there was something inherently bad in me and that is why all the bad things had happened to me in my past. Not so.

You are far from being unlikeable hun, you think you are unlikeable because you have no faith in yourself. Your core belief is that you are unlikeable but this does not equate to other people not liking you.

Your life hasnt defeated you - if it had, you wouldnt be here now hun, so you keep hanging on in there.

I'm sure you are not too lazy to help yourself, it is because you are feeling so down. When people feel so low, the smallest task can be a real struggle, but it doesnt mean that they, or you, are lazy.

Keep posting here hun because no one judges you, no one thinks you are ugly. You are NOT ugly in any way. You are an extremely strong person to be going through this and persevering.

You will always fit in and be welcome here hun

Jo xxxxx

[Richie]

Hi Paradox,
What lilith said is very true, and although its hard , and i can't get through that block either, in fact it could be me writing your post exactly the way i feel right now, drawing the curtains, hiding away, staggering out of bed drugged up to the eyeballs, medication doesn't help.
But then there are days when things seem better have been away for 2 weeks with family and it is always a true respite not because they understand or do everything for me (i do love them dearlyxxx) but changes of scenery seem to do wonders for me.
So amongst the bad there is the good, if only very small things.
Reading your post i'm sure so many can relate to.
Writing on this forum also helps
lots of love Richie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[paradox]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. It means a great deal to me that you would take the time to respond so warmly.

I'm not in a good place just now but I'm right in the middle of a med change, so I'm guessing this isn't helping matters. Just wish I could keep a sense of perspective when I'm feeling demented. The mood swings are vicious.

My thanks again and ...

take care ♥