Positive outcome from the Doctors.....

[kmp001]

I spoke to Alice before we went in and I reassured her that it is not because she is abnormal but that we were there to ask to see a special doctor who would help us both understand and give her the answers that she doesn't have. I gave her the choice of to come in or waiting outside and I promised I would tell her everything after - at this point she got upset but she decided to come in. Anyway the doctor was very good. I started off by telling her straight away that I was there for a referral expecting to be put off but she asked why and I told her and she said it sounds very much like anxiety/panic attacks. She asked if it stopped her going or was she ok when she got there. Asked how home/school/friends are etc. Anyway she said that CBT is not recommended for children (Still don't know what that is!) but she would refer her to a child counsellor. She said that on the NHS there is a 6mth at least waiting list, or she knew a very good counsellor who deals with this privately in Brighton (Apx20mins away) I have asked her to refer to private as I don't really want Alice waiiting that long. My only concern is that she said that she would help find the underlining problem which I agree is important but will a counsellor be able to help her deal with it and help her manage it for the future. I want Alice to be moving on with this rather than raking all back through her childhood - is that the wrong way of looking at it - i'm not sure. After I told Alice that she did really well and that only people whom she choses will know and if there is anything worrying her she can always talk to me or Darren (DH).

[benoo5]

hi karen,

i think thats great news all round,you were so lucky to find such a good understanding doctor.

theres a great clinic in brighton,be interesting if its the same one!

well done to you both,your on the road to freedom...best wishes...bryan.

[Meg]

Hey Karen,

That went well in all ways then...Good news. Greta that she went for referral without a murmur.

Couple of things for when you get to the counsellor.

Ensure she's really child experienced - not an adult one who takes the odd child here and there.
Be aware that many child 'helpers' may have precoceived ideas that all children are really fine - it's the parents who need the help.
Ask about her style and theory of counselling. ie CBT- TA- etc and what time frame she wants to try out with .

You should be able to do this on the phone with him/her previsit. Once you go the counsellor will probably want you to push off and wait outside so arm yourself with a book.



As regards your question about raking back .There will need to be a certain amount of history taking from Alice.

Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[kmp001]

What is CBT and TA? she did mention CBT but said that it was not appropriate for a child but never actually said what it was!

[Meg]

Hi Karen

Lottie already answered CBT for you really well so I won't go through it again. Look back at your recent posts...

TA is transactional analysis - another form of therapy theory...

Additionally if you go to the home page and the research bit there is stacks there.






Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[kmp001]

Really sorry - I only just found Lotties last posting - I forgot to click on page 2 andjust scrolled down and assumed that was all the posts - guess I have a lot to learn on PC's too LOL

[Lottie32]

Excellent news about your very supportive doctor!!! Hopefully you will get the ball rolling soon, and Alice will start to learn to deal with her problems.

I agree about the childhood. I don't think it helps at all. I want help with dealing with now, not an incident that happened when I was two!!!

If it's any help, I have discovered my "causes" through councelling and therapy.

1. Part genetic - my gran and mum are both anxious sorts of people (my gran particularly)
2. Part learnt behaviour - my mum was a bit neurotic, and obsessive - for example making us use the bathroom before we went out on a trip. (Fine when your a tiny tot - but not so good when you get older!!!)
3. Personality type - lacking in self confidence and having a desire to please everybody all of the time
4. Having very dominant parents - my mum in particular is very opinionated, and can only ever see one side of an argument. Her views are the right views!

Actually I had a happy childhood. My mum and dad had a long and happy marriage, I had loving grand parents and great grandparents. We lived in a nice house, with plenty of space to play outside, with enough toys etc without being spoilt.

My parents were loving and kind, I was just very different to them, and this is where some of my problems stem from.

A kid with more self confidence, would have just argued with their parents, or said no, but I aquiesed every time due to my desire to please, and as a result ended up playing musical instruments and taking classes purely to please my mother (she never had the opportunity when she was younger, so therefore didn't want to deprive me!!)

In most peoples eyes I had an ideal childhood, but in someways it wasn't as I was never allowed to become me, just try and be the person my parents thought I should be!

This sound really horrible, my parents were never nasty or unkind, just trying to to the right thing (it just happened to be the wrong thing for me)!!!

I don't know enough about this to really comment, and theres nothing worse than a text book psychologist, but do you think Alice is upset about the divorce. Could it be she wants the love and security that you provide, but doesn't want to let her dad down by not stopping with him, but worries because your security is not there when she is with him? She maybe also doesn't want to hurt you by having a good time at her dads? I know got myself terribly knotted up by trying to please everybody all of the time, which as you grow up you realise is impossible. Maybe it could be worth talking to Alice about this? I hope you are not offended by this suggestion, it was just a thought that I had!!!

Best of luck, I hope you and Alice are starting to feel a bit better, now you know help is round the corner!!!

Charlie

[kmp001]

I'm not offended at all. My husband's parents spilt when he was young (Alice was 14mths)and he said that he remembers having to try and please everyone and not wanting to upset everyone involved so he just went along with things and he had to watch every word he said so as not to offend. Which is why Alice probably finds it hard to talk to me and I understand that. She has never asked the 'Why' question with regard to her Dad. He has been with the same woman since he left and Alice was 2 when I met my husband so she doesn't really remember it any other way but that doesn't necessarily mean it hasn't affected her. I will let you all know how I get on when I have got in touch with the counsellor thank you all incredibly for your support and openess.

[Lottie32]

I too used to find it hard to talk to my mum and dad (fear of offending again) if I had a problem. So I used to off load on my gran, who was also one of my best friends. Sometimes it's easier to discuss things with a caring relative, but one who you don't have 24/7 contact with. Does Alice have a gran or auntie that you could encourage her to talk to (if she wants to?)

I'm sure that there are lots of people out there that will disagree, but I honestly think that I was born this way, and will always be like this. The most important thing that I have learnt is to accept that this is what I am like, and to discover ways to cope. BUT THAT THE PANIC/ANXIETY IS ONLY A PART OF ME. And that I have lots of redeeming features. This must be true, because I have lots of friends who love me lots, and who just completely ignore my neurosis. If I don't feel up to going up town, nobody is offended, they still go, and ask me again next time they go up. If I insist that I have to drive somewhere and couldn't possibly have/give a lift, they let me.

Being like this has its advantages too!!! When we go anywhere, I always get anxious, and pack loads of things. Everybody (in a nice way) takes the p**s out of the amount of things I've got - but you can guarantee within one hour of arriving, at least one person has come and asked to borrow something from my excessive supply of equipment!!!! And we've never been camping and run out of loo roll yet!!!

I'm not suggesting for one minute that your divorce is the root of Alices problems, but that it could be a contributing factor. I'm sure some will disagree with me again, but I think you are right, if you know Alice has never experienced a major trauma in her life to concentrate on techniques to give her the skills to cope and accept her behaviour, not keep dredging up what has happened in her past. I'm sure Nicola has said that she didn't find the childhood regression helpful and stopped it.

At least when Alice looks back, she will know that you have done the most possible to help and support her, and with good support behind you, it's possible to do anything. I know, my friends have been brilliant, and without them, I really think I'd be a recluse who never came out!!!


Charlie

[kmp001]

It's good that you have a lot of supportive friends with you. It's nice to see that you have a positive outlook on it and it encourages me that this will not hold Alice back too much for her future. Your are right it is only a part of you! I never knew anything about this before I came on to this website. Had my friend (Alices Godmother) not suggested it after seeing it for herself I would still be fumbling my way through it. She picked up on it because her sister who I have met many times over 10years suffers from panic attacks and I never knew!!