Latest ups and downs of a panic attack sufferer...

[Tony1980]

Hi everyone,

Been having counselling for a month and a half now after 13 years of panic attacks and feel I'm gradually heading in the right direction...

A while back I was afraid of driving on motorways and lately have done some long(ish) trips on the M62, M53 and some A roads for days out without having numerous panic attacks at the wheel.

Also was afraid of walking in open spaces indoors like shopping centres, hospital corridors, train stations. This week had a good day walking through hospital on way to partners clinic appointment, sat in open plan cafe for lunch there and also up and down escalator to shopping / food court floor of hospital which used to be a bugger for me when I used to work there!
On the downside, went to Trafford Centre (Manchester) yesterday and completely capitulated being over awed by the sheer openness and size of the place. Lost all my confidence there, calming techniques felt useless, nearly ended my relationship with my girlfriend cos I became so fed up and in the end had to go back home. My counsellor said the Trafford Centre is like me being a learner thrown in the swimming pool at the deep end so I'm just disappointed I couldn't have dealt with the place better and had more confidence.

I just look at other people walking about seemingly without a care in the world laughing and talking to each other, and I can't do a simple thing like walking from one place to the next in a big shopping centre...absolutely soul destroying. Am gonna try it again though and use some of my control techniques to see if I can do it and face my fears...

...Never Give Up

[PUGLETMUM]

well done tony we sound a bit similar in as much as i can tcope with motorways - the trafford centre yes, late on when its a bit quieter, but not at a weekend or in a busy period, and then after being in ther its the journey back i cant stand. but at the weekend we came home from anglesey on the easter monday around 2pm and it was really slow and sometimes threatened to stop - i didnt have a panic but i was tense and if it had stopped i would have panicked - but no escape i find makes it easier? anyway then we got on the motorway at stanlow and it looked as though it wasnt moving - i started to swear a bit coz id asked if we could go the a road way, which i could have driven - so anyway i said when can we next get off and he said runcorn, but it moved okay - slowly and alot of traffic but okay so we didnt get off at runcorn and we made it home. so this would have been unimaginable a few months ago - i havent been on a motorway except that one for years and years - i truly hate them! anyway what im getting at is that you have to keep trying it a little bit at a time? maybe plan wha tyou are going to do at the trafford centre next time? maybe only go to one area and dont venture out of there until you feel better? so dont tackle the whole of the trafford centre in one go, and also get a guide so you know where everything is - personally i dont like the trafford centre coz of the way you have to wait for an exit to get out? and then its really hard to find your car - actually the place does my head in! and the other thing is i struggle really badly with eating out anywhere out of my comfort zone - so eating out at the trafford would be really hard for me - id prefer to go to cheshire oaks where your more 'free'.anyway well done on your progress, just wanted to let you know how similar alot of our feelings are

[Tony1980]

Hi Emma, yeah, that's the plan for next time anyway, just to start on the ground floor next time and explore bit by bit! We ended up going up the escalator to the floor above and it was a case of too much too soon I reckon so it hit me as a shock rather than giving me a chance to settle in to things.
I like it when the traffic slows down on the motorway occasionally. I find it just gives me a chance to have a breather! Other days I can just drive and drive no problems and prefer to go all the way rather than slow down.
I'm like you in the fact that I'd take an A road any day over a motorway. In fact on the AA Routefinder map I always look for a way out of going on the motorway and then realise that I'm never gonna come to confront my demons if I keep avoiding them!
I've only struggled once when eating out and that was on holiday abroad so I'm not too bad there...occasionally I can feel a bit "funny" when standing in a queue at a restaurant etc. The worst for me used to be when I had exams in uni and we were in a large open space hall and seated at individual desks apart from each other....nightmare!
I agree that Cheshire Oaks is far more fab to shop at. I love the fresh air and can handle the food hall great too.
Nice to hear from someone else with similar feelings to so thanks for that!

[PUGLETMUM]

hi tony, yeah its good to share stories so we know were not weird! and also i wanted you to know that although you live like this - planning stuff and avoiding things - you do still have a life!!! and have acheived alot but like me you want to confront the fears and so move through them and recover? i think this is the key - you know that you are taking the easy option, but you say to yourself,'well im not going to let it drop, i will tackle it, but i want to make it managaeable'? that is okay - it means you succeeed more often and so you become more confident - obviously though panic can and does strike unexpectedly, so also in recovery we do need to feel IT to know it cant harm us - anyway all the best to you

[Tony1980]

Got offered a new job yesterday working in Alder Hey Children's Hospital which is fab cos I'll be getting paid again! Yippee!
Went out by myself today to the shops...had a look around Next for some clothes and was fine with no panics and then went into Tesco's Home store and up the escalators to the 1st floor where I've panicked before and I was pretty much OK. Bearing in mind I've just added Magnesium yesterday (300mg per day) to my Propranolol (which i'm not convinced is any good at all) and today's been a good day. Planning more trips out by myself to boost confidence and hopefully the road to recovery is well underway. Plus I'm now wondering if the Magnesium is having a positive effect as people on here have previously mentioned???? Fingers crossed it is!

[PUGLETMUM]

that is brill tony - i am so pleased for you - having a job will make alot of difference to your confidence i think? what is it you do btw if you dont mind me asking? also the magnesium is helping me even though apparently the one im taking is no good! but i also take multi-vits and omega 3 high strength, and starflower caps too - but i do feel loads better and i think these supplements do work, as well as healthy food and exercise - but it all takes work and commitment - butfor me its the only way and i feel totally in control of how i feel anyway well done on the job! let us all know how you get on

[Tony1980]

Well, I used to work as a Senior Assistant Technical Officer (SATO) in the Royal Hospital Liverpool doing ECG's on the heart and lung tests, then I went into Primary School teacher training and didn't enjoy the workload as I wasn't seeing my daughter as much as I wanted to...so now I'm doing HCA work in the Neurology Ward in Alder Hey soon so we'll see how that goes! As well as that I'm shortlisted to be a paramedic so I may be moving on (again!) in the next few months once more!
As for medication, I think a lot of things to do with panic are more to do with being all in the mind which is why I'm gonna come off the Propranolol this month. Will keep taking Magnesium to see if the good times last! haha!

[sagey]

Hi Tony and emmas, it's interesting to me to read your experiences in big shopping centres. I haven't been to one in years, last one was in Peterborough, reallly spooked me. There must be something about these great cavernous devolpments , so much space above, so many echoes, so much rushing about. I'd like to know if anyone has conducted research into incidences of panic in these places.
I think you are both courageous , gutsy people to actually go there.

[PUGLETMUM]

cheers sagey - well i havent actually been to the trafford centre since i got married 5 years ago! but i could, i just dont like the place and would rather go to somewhere more open and 'natural'?! err like ahigh street where i can actually b-r-e-a-t-h-e anyway i am a member of the nationalphobicssociety in manchester and you get a quarterly newsletter - one i got some time in 2006 had an article about city centre planning for panic sufferers!!! so a university were doing a study into it to do with plannning of urban spaces - so we are not completely forgotten afterall - there is alot of research going on allthe time

to tony - i have had 2 experiences with propranolol - i took it for 2 years with prozac and everything was rosy (well i thought so a tthe time - it wasnt really!) and then i went on them for about a year but they had no effect on the mental symptoms of anx - the thoughts and fears? so i would say, weigh up whether they are benefitting you at all? from wha ti know they are purely to slow the heart? amybe this is completely wrong i dont know? i thought i was given them for palps - anyway i suffer palps almost permanently - i can ge them when tired, after eating, when ill, excited, scared you name it and i get them so i just put up with it and i know they cant harm me - id rather do that than take a med and not feel any better anyway?

the job sounds brill - very intersting, i envy you having a career, so hopefully you can feel alot more positive about your future now? also sounds good about the paramedic job - i totally admire those guys and it makes me sooooo angry that ppl could abuse them - the mind boggles take care, emma

[Tony1980]

I think the Propranolol just reduces the amount of adrenalin in your system as well as slowing the heart rate down, so I believe it's purely for the physical effects. My counsellor told me it's a bit of a placebo if your only taking it in the hope of curing the mental side of things.

On the job side, have been offered the chance to work long days which would mean just 3 days on and four days off which would be fab!

Thanks for your support with all this emma and sagey!