Here we go again.

[halfwayhome]

So, I've posted a few posts already in the "OCD" section of the forum, because that is where the gist of my anxiety is coming from, but.. tonight, I decided to not follow one of my compulsions. I was proud for about three seconds and then the panic set in. Then, all these new compulsions came to me. Like.. a million of them. And I started freaking out. It was a quiet panic attack though.. does that make any sense? Like.. I wasn't screaming or gasping for air or anything.. which HAS happened, trust you me.. but it was more that I was lying there, crying, and literally feeling like I was unable to move. My fiance (who is the target of my OCD right now. If I don't follow my compulsions, all of them, however difficult and confusing and whatever they may be, he will supposedly leave me.. according to my OCD.) asked me if I was breathing. That's how upset I was.

I don't know what to do. It feels like there's no way out. Trying to get an appointment with my doctor for ASAP, but in the meantime.. I don't know. I have some Ativan.. it calms the panic, but then it doesn't cause the OCD behind the panic and so I still feel like I need to do all of these things..

I hate letting it win. I really feel like that's what I'm doing. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it sure as hell feels like it is.. I really hate this. I am not one for self pity, but right now, I just feel like throwing a temper tantrum.. is that a bad thing?

[Hope 2]

Hi there

I have ocd , and I have and still do carry out certain tasks as I feel something dreadful will happen to my daughter if I don't , so similar to u in a way . When I was much worse with the ocd side , I was totally consumed with it and it ruled my life . Nowadays I am much better . The main thing I would say that has contributed to my part recovery from ocd is the fact that NOTHING has ever happened to my child DESPITE stopping doing some of the compulsions . Only time has proved that the voice of ocd was just that , a voice in my head that causes a fear in my heart . The fear only subsides when we begin to realise that the compulsions are a waste of our time and energy . I get mad at ocd too , people have said the best way is to accept and let go rather than get mad at it . I don't like to go on about me so much as a rule but I have shared with u in the hope u can see that this can be overcome to a degree for some and completely for others . But anything is better than where u r at right now eh xx

Something to think about ....... when you resisted the urge ............ and you went into a panic , did anything happen as a result of you not completing the task set out by ocd . Cos this is a small but significant step you can use to prove to your rational side that the ocd is a big fat liar . If you can keep trying to resist the urges then in time you will recondition your mind to believe you and not the ocd .


Well done
Love Hope xx