No one to help, because no one understands.
I feel so alone, and so in need to talk to someone, but I don't know where to find anyone who will understand my situation. I know, that somewhere out there, that other women have been through the same as me, but it's finding them. I have searched the internet, over and over again, but come up with nothing.
I am feeling very very anxious now, because to maybe get the help I need, I have got to tell my story, and so many people tar me with the same brush, but I want to let you know, that I am not like him...I, in my own way am a victim too.
Seven years ago I met a man, and a few months later moved in with him. Within a couple of weeks I was pregnant with my 5th child. My son was born in 2002 and, four weeks later I was pregnant again, and in the same year I gave birth to my 6th child. Eventually we got married, but six months later we split. He had become very obsessive, and kinda weird. He moved out and me and all my kids lived in the house we had brought.
One day, my daughter who was 17 at the time said she had got a text message off him asking her to have sex with him. I confronted him straight away and told him that he was sick and a pervert and that she was my daughter, my flesh and blood and that he was to stay away from me and all my kids, although eventually, he did get visiting rights to the youngest two)A week later, he got arrested..turned out he had been sending similar text messages, with pictures to my next door neighbour. He was cautioned, and told not to have any contact with her either directly or indirectly.
In November 2006, I moved to Stoke on Trent leaving him in Kent, although, he did have regular contact with my three youngest children i.e. he would come up for weekend visits or the kids went there for school holidays, but I knew his mum was always there to help out. In May of last year, he was arrested and charged with voyerism (sorry if I have spelt it wrong). In June of last year he went to court and was fined £150 and was put on the sex offenders register for 5 years, which I found a bit odd as he had never physically touched anyone. A week later, I had Social Services turn up at my house, asking if they could come in and speak with me. They asked if I knew anything about my husbands past, so I told them everything I knew from the text messages to my daughter etc. They then told me, that just before I met him, he had been released from prison after serving three years of a nine year sentence. I couldnt take in what they were saying, nobody had told me this. He had been in prison for two accounts of indecent assualt and one account of gross indecent assualt on an 8 year old girl. They told me there was more but they couldnt go into all details.
Nobody, not his parents, not his sister or him had ever told me this. They all lied to me. They let me move in with him, a woman with children, they let me have more children with him (who incidently, I dont blame, I love those kids to pieces) and they also eventually let me marry him. I cannot begin to explain the whole range of emotions and feelings I had towards him and his family...to name a few there were disgust, anger, disbelief, hatred, hurt and so on.
Social Services have now got an order against him, so that he can have absolutely no contact with my youngest kids who are 10 (not his child but still not allowed contact) 6 and 5 until they are 18 years of age. They also told me that if they discovered that I let him have contact, then my boys would be put on the at risk register and I could lose them, but one thing I am not ever gonna do is let him near them. I know all parents are protective towards their kids, but I know that I am now more so.
It has broken my heart seeing my boys crying and asking why they can't see 'daddy' I had to tell them that he was too busy working, what else could I say? Before all this came to light, they would talk with him on the phone every night, but even that has had to stop. Admittedly now, almost a year later, they do not ask about him hardly at all, but sometimes something will remind them of him and they ask and it kills me. I hate them having the same surname as him, but I cant change it, because to do so I have to have his permission and I know he wont give it.
I have lost all my old friends because of this, even though I have done nothing wrong. I am also now suffering with panic attacks and agrophobia, again...something which I thought I had conquered over 12 years ago, but I am convinced that because of all this its come back again,while he on the other hand can live a perfectly normal life, which makes me sick. I know he has been seeing another women since August of last year and I also know she has a 5 year old daughter for gods sake and its making me so ill. She has been drawn into his world of lies, just like I was and I know that his family are all keeping quiet yet again too. I admit, I did tell social services about his new girlfriend and her little girl, but they said if I didnt have a name for her or her daughter, then there is absolutely nothing they can do.
I know, deep down its going to happen again and I cant do anything about it.
As far as I am aware, he never once laid a finger on my boys, but, my 10 year old is going to be starting counselling soon (due to the death of his own dad) and if it ever comes out that my ex laid one finger on my boys, I know I wont be responsible for my actions.
I know I have rambled on, but I am crying out for help....I need someone who has maybe been in my situation, someone who unknowingly married a pedophile just as I did.
I worry about my boys in the future. How are they going to feel?? Knowing what their dad is? Are they going to hate me for bringing them into this world? I love all my children so much and it kills me to know they are going to be so affected by all this.
Right now I am shaking so much, I feel physically ill. I need to get this out, I know its making me ill but how do I do it? My parents just tell me to forget him but how can I when this is playing on my mind every day and every night? I have had to get my two eldest boys who are 23 and 20 to promise me that they wont go near him, that they wont do anything stupid, because I dont want their lives ruined too.
I just dont know where to turn. Please help me.
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I am nothing special...I am just me!
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