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Thread: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

  1. #1

    Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    I have an online friend. Something always seems to be bothering me and getting me down about this 'friendship' yet i am totally obsessed with the guy and the idea of having a great offline friendship with him. He knows i want to meet offline and he insists we will meet when he is ready. It's been over 3 years now that we've known each other and i think if we were going to meet we would have by now. He has a myspace page which is set to private and i am not allowed to be on his friends list and see the page. The reason for this is that he has a girl he speaks to who he is obsessed with the way i am with him and he uses it to speak to her. He doesn't know that i know this and that i've seen her myspace profile so he continues to lie to me. Now part of the reason why he isn't ready to meet he claims is because he is not confident enough to meet people yet having been housebound apparently with agoraphobia for a number of years. But he is getting out more now and has met up with the girl once. on a message on her myspace wall he speaks about meeting her again when he gets his college date through. I think this means that he plans on going to a college near her and moving up there to be near her to 'hang out'

    This is all none of my business perhaps BUT the thing that is making me angry is the lying that seems to be happening here, or at least the not giving me the whole story. He tells me he isn't ready to meet people yet but at the sametime he is making plans to meet up with someone else and to attend college. I wonder what he would say if i told him i have seen these posts. After all this time we been friends i feel i deserve some honesty from him. If he wants to meet other people that is his business but if he never intends to meet me he should be honest and tell me not keep stringing me along when he knows how important it is to me. I am wondering what he is getting out of all this. But it seems clearer than ever now that he has little regard for my feelings about anything and that he doesn't want to be honest with me. Is it time for me to move on?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Thumbs up Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Hi Mustard, I had a Ladyfriend until recently, I had to work very hard at keeping it going ...... just a little too hard.
    A few years have past, I now realise she doesn't need my friendship, time for me to move on.

    Dave
    __________________
    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Hi Mustard,

    As hard as it might be, I think you know this guy is stringing you along.

    Thats the trouble with the internet, you only know what that person WANTS you to know. I think you know enough and after 3 years if you were going to meet up you would have by now.

    There are lots of honest people out there but they are few and far between on the internet I'm afraid.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh but its best to be truthful

    Take care
    __________________
    SUE

  4. #4
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    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Hi Mustard

    I'd be inclined to agree with Sue on this one. I think after 3 years he would have been ready to meet you. The fact that he has said he's not ready and yet is meeting this girl is in total contradiction.

    You deserve a better friendship than this - at the moment its all one-sided and you arent getting anything back.

    I think you should stop contact and let him get on with whatever he is doing - you will find better people out there hun

    Jo xxxxx
    __________________
    If I could write words
    Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
    What a bonfire my letters would make.
    If I could speak words of water,
    You would drown when I said
    "I love you."

  5. #5
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    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    I agree Mustard. If he won't even let you into his social network alarm bells should be ringing. Sounds like excuses and fobbing you off to me
    __________________
    Jo

  6. #6

    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Hi mustard

    i tend to agree with everyone on this.

    I think maybe its time for you to sit off a bit, maybe not move away from the friendship for the moment because you are obviously very close to him. I think that maybe its time to make new friends and i think that you are already on the way to wanting to do this by talking to us.

    Its obvious that you are a great friend because 3 years is a long time so you will have no problem with this.

    i had an online female friend and we became very close, then one day she told me that she had been talking to someone else and she did not think it was fair on him if she continued talking to me. Ok it happened and we both moved on. At first it did hurt but i did convince myself that it was only an online relationship, (we had never met as she was from Australia).

    The chat site i met her on was called 'paltalk' i was an admin in one of the rooms so i kinda just went quite for a time, sat off.

    As in any chat room or site you will meet both nice ppl and ppl who just abuse your friendship, players as they are called. When i met my female friend it only started out as friends, i have never gone into a chat room for any other reason than to make new friends, this time it went a little further but there is always the chance of this happening.

    The one thing a chat room allows you to do is be yourself and that makes it exciting, you my friend have done this for 3 years and its obvious from reading your words that you are very genuine. However your friend seems to be a little aprehensive on things, there could be many reasons for this and i am not here to judge him.

    I feel it is time for you to move on, i know it wont be easy for you but what i can promise you is that in a few weeks time you will feel better and be enjoying your new opportunity to make new friends, friends who will not play with your emotions.

    I wish you all the best
    pompey

  7. #7

    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Hi there,

    I also agree with the others. Plus it seems as though your intuition or as they say here in the States
    " Your gut feeling " is telling you the right thing about this guy.

    Don't let him take advantage of you any longer, you sound like a very nice person and you deserve to be treated with respect .

    Take good care
    ~Rebecca

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    274

    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Online or offline, there are always situations where people do not engage in full disclosure for one reason or another. The reasoning behind your online friend's actions really isn't that important - but the end result of those choices is very important.

    The time and energy you have invested in this friendship can better be utilized to care for your needs, and also to cultivate friendships offline and online with people who will enrich your life, rather than limit it. I'm with everyone else here - wish him well, cut him loose and find a new friend who will appreciate you for all you have to offer.

  9. #9

    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Thanks for the replies.

    I'm really totally obsessed with this guy and its making my life a misery. I can't function properly i'm just focused on him all the time. I'm sick of waking up every morning and thinking about him all day. It's taken over my life and i want it to stop. I don't know what to do. i went to see a doctor who sent me for an assessment for CBT and they said i wasn't suitable for it. I've had counselling which only helps for a short time. i talk things thru and i feel a bit better for a few hours for getting it off my chest, but then it doesn't last. I have tried getting offline more and going out more. I have been speaking to him much less lately. But it isn't really helping. I still have the urge to speak to him constantly. I want to move on and be happy and meet proper friends and not keep clinging onto this guy. Its never going to get any better with him, its never going to progress further than it has i realise that now. I always kinda knew but i cling onto the hope that i was just being paranoid and insecure but lately i've been realising that my concerns are reality.

    But the facts are that he knows how attached i am to him and he has been allowing me to believe that we will be mates offline. i have given him plenty of opportunites to tell me honestly if we are never going to meet and he has said we will. I think he is just using me and this whole situation to his advantage. He probably thinks that i am cool enough to chat to online to pass a few hours and maybe he likes having someone there who likes him so much. And he knows that i want to meet so each time i bring it up he lets me believe it will happen. I wonder if when the day comes when he doesn't need me to help entertain him anymore that i will be cut out and left sitting in despair [even more so than i am already that is] . But i would much rather get out now and be the one to cut him out and move on first.

    The whole thing is wrong. I know it, everyone i ever speak to about this knows it. No one has a single postive thing to say about the whole thing. I know he will never be the great friend i want him to be. I want this nightmare to end. I'm hurting myself more than he is hurting me because at the end of the day it is up to me to change things for myself. Its my life, my mind, my obsession and its down to me and me alone to take control and deal with it. But it doesn't change the fact that he has been stringing me along which is a very cruel thing to do. Even he himself says he can't see what it is i think is so great about him. i have put so much into being friends with this guy and i get nothing back.

    It's time to move on but how do i do that? I just don't know how i can do it. How do you move on from an obsession that has taken over and is running [and ruining] your life? It's time i stopped talking about him and focused on me. This whole obsession is dragging me down and preventing me from meeting people who i could have something so much better and real with. I want someone to hug me and make me laugh and to care about me as much as i do them.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    274

    Re: Being lied to by online friend and sick of it

    Mustard, this may help you.

    At times in my life when it was absolutely necessary that I let something go for my own good, I have set little goals on the way to eventually doing that. Using your situation with your online contact as an example, what would happen if you set a goal to not talk to him anytime tomorrow morning? And once the morning was over, set a goal to not interact with him tomorrow afternoon?

    And during these periods, fill your time with other things, such as writing a note to an old friend you have not seen in awhile or making a telephone call to a friend or relative.

    Letting to is very hard to do. But if you can move away an hour at a time, and find other activities to fill the time you normally would spend interacting with this person online, it will become a little easier as you go along. Be patient with yourself, but be sure that you take a couple of steps forward each day, even if they are simply baby steps.

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