Daughter - sorry if long

[Trabecca]

I witnessed my first panic attack this weekend. My daughter, 14, husband and I went to her friend's 15th birthday party. It was a big production with band, etc. There was a group from our neighborhood (6 boys) there, among others. A lot of adults and young children were dancing. I noticed my daughter would get up and dance for a minute or two in the group dances (line dancing, etc., but then sit down immediately). My husband and I were out dancing and I look over and my daughter is standing on the dance floor with 1 of the boys. They walk up, stand there for 5 seconds and walk off. I asked her what happened, and she said "I can't dance." I talked to her about it because she has gone to 4 school dances so far and she said all her friends dance together and no one really cares. She apparently felt a lot of pressure in that the boys from the neighborhood were watching, which they were. She kept saying she wanted to leave, though we had not been there that long. I obviously wasn't assessing the situation very well. We were sitting down and she starts crying. She starts hyperventilating and tears are flowing down her cheeks. She said "He's coming. He's coming over to ask me to dance again." I tell her to say no. She is very, very sensitive to others and says, "No, I can't say no. I know how hard it is for him to come over and ask me to dance. If I say no, all his friends will give him a hard time." She literally starts shaking. I stand up to take her to the bathroom and by that time the boy is standing behind her. She gets up to go dance with him. I told her to go on the other side of the dance floor where the group couldn't watch her. Of course, all the boys at the table were giving the high-five signs and thumbs up. Part of me wanted to go snatch her off and part of me was saying she needs to work through it. When she came back, she was a little calmer. Then about 10 min. later, she said, "Here he comes again." Tears were again coming down her face and she started shaking again. We left immediately. I tried to find out if there was some underlying meaning in the situation, she was scared of the boy, etc., but it had nothing to do w/him in particular. It was the situation. I have spoken only briefly with her about it, but this is something I don't want her to fear in the future. She is a self-confident, self-assured child, so this really threw me for a loop.

I know I need to speak in detail with her about this, but I don't want to put any suggestive thoughts into her head.

My heart ached and I don't want this to be something that she has to fear for the rest of her life.

Any suggestions would be grateful. Concerned mom.

Tracy

[nomorepanic]

Hi there. I am pleased that you care so much to post a message here. I am not convinced that she is suffering like you may think she is. When I was about her age I went to a school disco and all my friends were sitting kissing the boyfriends (I was probably 14/15) and I was totally terrified of the thought. So much so that I got up and ran out and ran home. The boyfiend called my home to see if I was there and I got in a lot of toruble with my mum cos she thought I had gone missing. I was just totally terrified of this guy wanting to kiss me and the pressure to do it because all my friends were.

Can you understand that I am saying this could be normal teenage behaviour and not in any way a panic attack.

Don't try to force her to talk about it - I was too embarrassed - it may be that she likes this boy and is getting teased about it. Does she show any other symptoms of anxiety/panic.

I hope it is all ok, but please post again if you have any worries.

Nic

[bruce]

i agree with nic that this probably isnt panic but it may very well be. i would be VERY wearly of any medication, espicailly strong meds and long durations becuase of her age and her maturity level. dont do anything too rash. perhaps she has some anxiety becuase she is not a good dancer, at lreast in own mind, and she is afriad that people will notice that she doesnt know what shes doing on the dance floor. this could be just a ridiculous notion and can be cured by some dance classes or it can be something deeper. perhaps she constantly worries about what others will notice, all girls do this however and especially with the age factor she may be dealing with normal changes. i was really struck by the fact that she said that she didnt want to say no becuase she knew that it took courage on his part to ask her, this is kind of cool and perhaps since she can recognize courage on his part she czn also recognize it in herself and overcome such anxiety. i am thinking that if she were to become interested in things such as dancing, music, etc and then became talkative about and then herself became confident enough to ask others to dance this would enhance her already existing self confidence. i wouldnt let this believed panic attack to cause me too much worry, hold off on this unless it happens consistently, it was a social event and she was nervous of looking out of place, shes worried about what others will think of her, what girl isnt? be calm, dont make parenting challenge for yourself as it is already one on its own, bruce.
ps, if your daughter is having people come up to her and ask to dance at such a young age then she is probably a very attractve female and will learn to like others interest in her, she should be happy about this, too many young women suffer from rejection and others interest in her is not to be looked at as a curse, so many girls would LOVE to be asked to dance by guys at dances.

i am here as a result of my continuing efforts to lead an anxiety free life